


Invincible Summer

by vinegar-and-glitter (vinegarandglitter)



Series: One of a Kind [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Clones, Blood, Gen, Gus and Connor's summers, Gus is learning to be a person, Implied/Referenced Suicide, One of a Kind Universe, Other, Pampushka is a delight, Pampushka is the best doggo, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-09-13
Packaged: 2019-05-15 07:54:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 59,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14786498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinegarandglitter/pseuds/vinegar-and-glitter
Summary: In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger – something better, pushing right back.- Albert CamusGus, Seamus, Pampushka, and Connor spend their summers together.One of a Kind universe, set between the THEN and the NOW and post-canon.





	1. Summer 2018

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't read One of a Kind, this fic won't make a ton of sense, but if you have, you'll recognise all these characters I love so much. The first three chapters fic take place between the THEN and the NOW of the main One of a Kind fic, whereas chapters 4 and 5 take place between Chapters 99 and 100.

When Connor gets off the plane, he turns on his phone to see a message from Seamus. It’s short and to the point and explains that he won’t be picking up Connor himself but has organized a ride. There should be someone holding a sign with his name on it once he gets out of the baggage claim area. 

 

Connor heads to get to his suitcase and his mind is still buzzing with thoughts. The same thoughts that have been going round and round in his head for the past 12 hours. 

 

He got a call from Seamus at about three in the morning, which was an immediate sign that something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. 

 

It had taken a while for Connor to understand what was happening because Seamus was obviously crying, and his accent was thicker, and the words he was saying just didn’t compute in Connor’s brain. Until they clicked, and he realized what was happening. 

 

Seamus had found Gus in the bathtub, covered in blood and barely conscious. 

 

Pampushka had woken Seamus up to let him know. 

 

Gus’s puppy probably saved his life. 

 

It’s still too dangerous to take Gus to a hospital but Seamus has managed to keep him from bleeding out. Bandaged him up enough to keep him stable. But he’s still in pretty bad shape. 

 

Gus almost died. 

 

Gus wanted to die. 

 

“I wanted you to know,” Seamus had said. “He’s… he’s not doing so good, son. I think it would… I know it’s a lot to ask, but I think it would be good for him to see you. He misses you.”

 

Connor’s first thought had been that it wasn’t a lot to ask at all. 

 

There wasn’t even a question in his mind. 

 

Seamus booked him a flight, right then and there over the phone. 

 

Connor hasn’t slept since that three am phone call. He spent the early morning packing, cleaning the apartment, cleaning out the fridge of any perishables and basically making sure the place was ready for him to disappear for however long he’d be in Wisconsin. 

 

That’s where Seamus and Gus are, apparently. Somewhere in Northern Wisconsin. He’s actually flying into the Twin Cities in Minnesota and it’s a bit of a drive to where they’re staying, but he doesn’t care. 

 

Connor doesn’t care about any of that. What he cares about is seeing his twin. 

 

There’s a woman with long black hair holding a sign that says ‘Connor’ on it, and he heads toward her. It’s weird seeing his name, especially after a year of being Ben, but it’s kind of comforting. She smiles when she sees him, her face gentle. “I’m Mathilde,” she says, her voice soft with a faint trace of an accent, holding her hand out to shake his hand. “You must be Seamus’s other son.”

 

They get in a car and drive for what feels like hours. Mathilde doesn’t ask a lot of questions, which Connor is grateful for. Instead, she puts on some music and Connor kind of drifts off to the sounds of a female voice singing in what he thinks might be French. 

 

They pull up to a house that’s smaller than the one Connor grew up in, but not necessarily tiny. It’s surrounded by trees and grass and there’s a tire swing attached to a big tree at the front of the property. Connor looks around and realizes that there aren’t any neighbors nearby. Not really. It’s relatively isolated. Quiet. Peaceful. 

 

The house itself has a red front door. Connor takes his suitcase out of the back of Mathilde’s car and heads to the door, which opens before he can knock on it. 

 

Seamus has him wrapped in a tight hug before he can even think of saying hello.

 

“I’m glad to see you,” says Seamus, his voice rough. 

 

Connor squeezes tight and lets himself enjoy the contact. 

 

He’s missed Seamus. More than he cares to admit. 

 

“How is he?” Connor asks quietly as they finally pull apart. 

 

Seamus’s face is the picture of pain. “Not great,” he admits. “He’s barely said anything all day. He’s kind of spaced out. He’s sitting in the living room watching TV, wrapped up in a blanket. He didn’t even want to eat anything and that’s… that’s not like him.”

 

Connor frowns. “No. It’s really not.”

 

Gus loves food, this much Connor knows. Gus will eat basically anything, including that frankly terrible pickle soup he made that one time, and has a wicked sweet tooth like Connor’s never seen before. 

 

But it makes sense that Gus loves food. Gus has been starving for most of his life.

 

Connor doesn’t like to think about it. It breaks his heart. 

 

Seamus has obviously been making sure Gus eats and sleeps and gets what he needs, but knowing that he doesn’t want to eat right now… it’s a sign that things are very, very wrong. 

 

Seamus takes Connor’s suitcase, despite his protests, then leads Connor into the living room.

 

Connor’s heart leaps to his throat at the sight of his twin. 

 

He’s pale, he’s thin and his face is tight with grief. He’s staring blankly at the TV screen, but it looks like he’s a million miles away. 

 

Connor just stands there for a moment, not sure what to do or say.

 

Until his reverie is interrupted by the sound of a happy bark. 

 

Gus’s attention immediately snaps back and he sees Connor and gives him the tiniest smile. Connor smiles back and a ball of white fluff barrels toward his ankles. 

 

The dog puts her front paws up against Connor’s legs and barks happily, and Connor reaches down to scratch her head. “Hello,” he says gently. “You’re beautiful.” He looks at his twin and tries to remember. “Her name is… Pushka?”

 

“Pampushka,” Gus corrects him. 

 

“Pampushka,” Connor repeats, trying to get his head around the unusual word. 

 

“Is very good girl,” says Gus quietly. “Very smart.”

 

“Seamus said she saved you,” Connor says, as gently as he can as he heads toward his clone. 

 

Gus looks devastated. Utterly, one hundred percent devastated. He looks at his lap and Pampushka barrels toward him and climbs up to sit on him. “I do not mean to upset,” he says quietly. “I do not mean to cause pain to others.”

 

Connor sits down on the sofa next to Gus and places his hand gently on his twin’s shoulder. Gus starts quietly sobbing, and Connor pulls him into a hug. “I’m glad you’re alive,” Connor says quietly as Gus sobs. “I’m so fucking glad you’re alive, Gus, you… you scared the shit out of me, I’m just… I’m so glad you’re alive.”

 

“Glad you are here,” says Gus into Connor’s shoulder. “Most glad. Good to see you.”

 

“Good to see you, too.”

 

They sit on the sofa and hold each other for a long, long time. Eventually, Gus’s sobs subside, but it takes a while for Gus to let go. 

 

Connor doesn’t mind. He’ll sit here on this sofa forever if it’ll make Gus feel better. 

 

“Flying is good?” Gus asks when he finally reluctantly pulls away. He goes a little pale. “I do not like to fly. Do not like box.”

 

Connor kind of starts at that, and looks at Seamus, who looks deeply, deeply sad. 

 

“I had a chair,” Connor assures him quietly. “The flight was okay.” He tries to smile at his twin. “Do you know what sounds really good? Hot chocolate.” He turns to Seamus again. “Do you, uh, have stuff for hot chocolate?”

 

Seamus nods, and he looks so pathetically grateful to have something to do that it makes Connor’s stomach wrench a little. Gus kind of shrugs, but then nods. Connor takes off his shoes then gets comfortable on the sofa next to his twin. 

 

Gus practically glues himself to Connor’s side, and it’s a little weird but Connor finds he doesn’t really mind. He thinks Gus might be a little touch-starved, which he kind of gets. It’s not like he grew up with a particularly physically affectionate family, and when things started getting hard for him it felt like everyone was pulling away. Like they were disgusted by him. 

 

So having Gus sitting so close, kind of curled up against him… it’s nice. It’s kind of comforting, and it feels weirdly familiar, and Connor doesn’t really get why it feels so familiar because it’s not like they’ve actually spent that much time together. 

 

Maybe it’s that they spent nine months together in the womb. Maybe it’s some kind of weird sense memory from before they were even born. 

 

Back when they were together like they were always supposed to be. 

 

Seamus comes back with two mugs of hot chocolate, covered in whipped cream and mini-marshmallows. Gus kind of holds his mug for a while, looking at it, and Connor takes a sip of his to hopefully encourage Gus to do the same. 

 

It’s tooth-meltingly sweet. He thinks Gus will like it. He takes another sip, despite it being way too sweet for him, and looks at Gus, who somewhat reluctantly takes a sip himself. 

 

Gus smiles and keeps drinking his hot chocolate. 

 

Connor lets himself relax a little. 

 

Seamus joins them on the couch with a hot chocolate of their own before picking up a remote and queuing something on Netflix. It takes Connor a moment to recognize it, but Gus smiles even brighter, and Connor realizes they’re watching Space Jam. 

 

Again. 

 

Which isn’t a problem. 

 

He’ll drink hot chocolate that’s too sweet and sit on this sofa and watch Space Jam with Gus if that’s what Gus wants. 

 

After everything Gus has been through, he deserves something simple. 

 

Something nice. 

 

Gus finishes his hot chocolate and Connor takes the mug from him just in time for Gus to fall asleep on his shoulder. He’s tired, too. He hasn’t slept properly and it’s warm and comfortable and he’s exhausted and it doesn’t take long until Connor’s asleep. 

 

When he wakes up, it’s dark outside but the room is dimly lit. Gus is still asleep against Connor, and Seamus is sitting in an armchair nearby. He’s drinking what looks like a glass of scotch and he looks exhausted. Connor catches his eye and Seamus tries to smile, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. 

 

Seamus looks utterly drained. 

 

“How are you doing?” Connor asks. “Are you… are you okay?”

 

Seamus rubs his face and laughs humorlessly. “Honestly? No. No, I’m not. I…” Seamus looks at Gus, takes in a deep breath, then closes his eyes. “I could have lost him and I only just got him back.”

 

“What happened?” Connor blurts out, despite himself. “He was… he seemed to be doing okay. He sounded okay in his emails, and there were photos, and he’s got Pampushka, and… he was doing better.”

 

Even as he’s saying it, Connor knows that’s not how it works. 

 

He knows better than a lot of people. 

 

Seamus sighs. “It was never going to be easy,” he says, his voice rough. “I’d just… I’d hoped…”

 

Connor looks at Seamus and blinks back tears. “What happens next?” he asks, his voice small to his own ears. 

 

Seamus wipes his eyes and looks at Connor, his expression determined. “We all keep living,” he says, his voice firm but shaky. “We take it a day at a time and we make sure Gus knows that we’re here and we care about him.” He wipes his face again. “I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“I’m glad I’m here, too.” Connor clears his throat. He’s suddenly remembered something Gus said. “Did, uh… did he say he didn’t like the box? When I talked about my flight?” Connor shuts his eyes for a moment. His brain doesn’t want to piece together what he thinks his twin is saying. “Does that… does that mean they fucking shipped him here? Like cargo?”

 

Seamus is definitely crying again and Connor hates it. Seamus kind of coughs then wipes his face yet again and shrugs a little. “I think so, yeah. It wasn’t… it wasn’t clear. We were going to fly here but instead, I bought a car and we just drove. He was just too freaked out by the idea of flying. He kind of panicked and said something about a box and it being dark and cold and he was alone and just…” Seamus clears his throat, takes a deep breath and pointedly doesn’t look at Connor. “I’m pretty sure that’s what that means. Fucking Christ.”

 

“Do you think they’re looking for him?” Connor asks hesitantly. “The people who… the people who did that to him?”

 

“Gus said he knew others,” Seamus says, his voice growing a little stronger. “But it was mostly him and Tatiana.” His eyes narrow at the mention of that name. “That’s the bitch who killed Jerome. Who tortured him. Who taught him how to kill, told him he had to cut himself, starved him… her name was Tatiana.”

 

“I’m glad you killed her,” says Connor, and he can hear his voice is stronger as well. He doesn’t think he’s ever believed anything more in his life. “Tatiana deserved to die. For what she did to Gus.”

 

“If I could bring her back to kill her over a thousand times, I would,” says Seamus. His voice is dark and angry and full of pain. “What she did… what they made him do… they all deserve to burn for an eternity.” He looks at Connor, eyes blazing with sorrow and fury. “If there’s a hell, she’s there. Paying for everything. If there’s any fucking justice in the universe.”

 

Connor can’t bring himself to disagree. 

 

“What time is it?” Connor asks instead. 

 

Seamus looks at his watch. “About nine. Are you hungry? Do you need anything?” He looks over at Gus, still asleep on Connor’s shoulder, and his entire face softens. “I don’t want to wake him, but it’s probably better if he sleeps in an actual bed.” Seamus face kind of shifts, as though something has occurred to him. “I don’t have a bed for you.”

 

“I can share with Gus,” Connor offers immediately. Seamus looks a little surprised, so Connor kind of feels like he has to justify himself. “I don’t…. I just want to make sure he’s not alone, you know?”

 

Connor also feels like he can’t let his twin out of his sight right now. Not if he’s going to try to hurt himself again. 

 

“Okay,” says Seamus with a nod. He looks at Gus again, then back at Connor. “When did you last eat?” Connor thinks back. He can’t remember. He shrugs. Seamus sighs. “Okay. I’m gonna make some grilled cheese.”

 

Seamus heads out of the room into what Connor assumes must be the kitchen, and Connor watches Gus sleep for a little while. Gus looks very, very young all of a sudden. 

 

Connor thinks about Zoe. 

 

He thinks about when they were little, before things fell apart, and how they used to curl up on the sofa and watch TV. How Zoe would always fall asleep and Connor would try, very hard, to stay awake, because he was the older brother and he was supposed to look after her. 

 

Fucking hell, was he shit at that. 

 

Things were so much easier with Zoe when they were kids. They’re probably easier for Zoe now that he’s gone.

 

He remembers the days when it was him and Zoe against the world. Stupid shit like being convinced they were going to get coal for Christmas. Or playing rock stars when they were tiny. Or Connor learning how to braid Zoe’s hair and being as gentle as his little hands could manage. 

 

He’s never going to see Zoe again. 

 

He hopes she’s safe. 

 

He hopes she has someone looking out for her. 

 

The way he should have. 

 

Seamus comes back with a large plate of grilled cheese sandwiches and just kind of looks at them for a while, a sad smile on his face. Then his face goes pale. “Before we wake him up,” Seamus says quietly, “I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t cleaned the bathroom yet.”

 

Connor blinks as the words sink in. 

 

The bathroom.

 

The bathroom where Gus tried to kill himself. 

 

“I don’t know what to do,” Seamus says, a little helplessly. “My first thought was bleach to clean it up, but I don’t keep any in the house.”

 

Seamus doesn’t say why he doesn’t keep bleach in the house. He doesn’t have to. They all know. 

 

They all know that Tatiana used it to torture Gus for years and years, telling him it was holy water and would cleanse his sins. 

 

Thinking about it all makes Connor feel sick. 

 

“The toilet is in a separate room,” Seamus says quietly. “And there’s a sink in there as well. So I’ll… shut the door of the main bathroom and figure out what to do in the morning. I just didn’t want you to see it.” His face goes even paler. “I don’t want Gus seeing that, either.”

 

Connor and Seamus exchange a look, then Connor looks over to Gus. He kind of shrugs his shoulder a little, hoping to jostle Gus awake gently. 

 

It doesn’t work. 

 

Connor puts his hand on Gus’s shoulder and shakes a little. “Gus,” he says quietly. “Hey. We need to-”

 

Connor doesn’t have a chance to finish that thought before he’s flat on his back on the floor in front of the sofa with Gus’s hands around his neck. Gus’s face is wild and crazed and something in his eyes tells Connor that he’s… not really here. “Hey,” he says, trying not to panic, as gently as he can. “Gus. It’s me. It’s Connor.”

 

Gus blinks a few times, then lets go of Connor. He looks like he’s about to bolt and run out of the room when Connor reaches out and grabs his arm. “It’s okay,” he says firmly. “S made grilled cheese. You need to eat something.”

 

Gus’s face crumples, and he won’t look at Connor. “I hurt you,” he says quietly. “I am sorry.”

 

Connor shakes his head. “That’s not important right now,” he says, gracelessly climbing back onto the sofa and gesturing for Gus to join him. Gus kind of looks at him for a while then sits down on the sofa next to Connor and bursts into silent sobs. Connor puts his arm around Gus and Gus quietly cries for what feels like a very long time. 

 

That night, Connor doesn’t really sleep. He’s too busy listening to the sound of Gus breathing. 

 

Making sure he can still hear it. 

 

Making sure his twin is still alive. 

 

He only starts to properly drift off as the early light of dawn starts to creep through the window.

 

* * *

 

When Seamus wakes up, it’s nearly 10 am, and he’s a little surprised at himself. He doesn’t usually sleep in this late, but then again he didn’t sleep much the night before and it had taken a while to finally get to sleep, even with the knowledge that Connor was right there in the room with Gus. 

 

Even knowing that Connor would keep Gus safe, it was still hard to let go. 

 

Gus could have died. 

 

Gus should have died. 

 

On his way to the kitchen, Seamus looks in on the boys. They’re both fast asleep, facing each other, and even in sleep, they both look exhausted. 

 

Seamus thinks it’s going to take a while until they’re all fully rested. It might be a rough couple of days as they get themselves sorted. 

 

He makes some coffee, then opens his laptop and starts looking up ways to clean up blood that doesn’t involve bleach. The internet is full of a lot of different ideas, but he decides to go with baking soda and vinegar, simply because he knows that he has them and won’t have to leave the house. Then he puts on some rubber gloves, braces himself and heads into the bathroom with his makeshift cleaning supplies. 

 

He’s almost sick at the sight and smell of blood and has to take a moment to steady himself. 

 

As he looks around the room, he realizes that it could be a hell of a lot worse. There are bloody towels all over the floor, as well as blood-soaked clothing, but most of the blood is contained in the bathtub. 

 

Seamus is hit with the memory of Gus, barely conscious, saying something in Ukrainian at first, then correcting himself and speaking in halting, broken English. “Bath. Less mess.”

 

His kid tried to kill himself in the bath so Seamus wouldn’t have as much to clean up. 

 

That’s horrific. 

 

Seamus sets about putting all the blood-soaked fabric in a plastic bag, making a note to figure out the best way of disposing of it safely, then sets about using the baking soda and vinegar to clean the bathtub. It’s easier to clean than he thought it would be and he tries to focus on the task at hand instead of thinking about Gus, bleeding out in the tub. 

 

Gus had cut his femoral artery at the top of his leg and there’d just been so much blood. Seamus had dragged Gus out of the bathtub, laid him on the floor of the bathroom and gone to put pressure on the wound when he’d seen something completely unreal. 

 

The wound had closed up in front of him. 

 

It had been large and gaping and bleeding and right in front of Seamus’s eyes, it knit itself back together. 

 

He’d put pressure on the wound, of course, and held it there for a while, but noticed that the blood wasn’t soaking through the fabric, and when he pulled away… 

 

It was a jagged white line. 

 

Not an open wound. 

 

A jagged white line. 

 

Seamus was too terrified to know what to think, so once he realized that Gus wasn’t bleeding anymore, he’d run to Gus’s room to grab him a change of clothes, got him out of his blood-soaked sweatpants and shirt, basically dressed him as he was more or less unconscious and then carried him out of the bathroom and onto the sofa in the living room. 

 

It was far, far, far too easy to carry Gus. It shouldn’t be that easy to pick up a 6-foot tall eighteen-year-old. 

 

Gus is still too thin. He’s thin and he’s malnourished and he only ate half a sandwich last night, and Seamus has got to make sure he eats, because if he’s lost his appetite then this is seriously not a good sign. 

 

As he finishes cleaning the last of the blood from the bathtub, Seamus thinks about what he’s going to do next. 

 

If DYAD can perfect human cloning, then Gus having some kind of regenerative ability isn’t completely outside the realm of possibility. But it’s not the kind of thing he wants to talk to Gus about. Not right now, at least. 

 

Seamus wonders if Connor has it, too. 

 

He wouldn’t be surprised. 

 

The bathroom looks less like a crime scene now, although it smells pretty strongly of vinegar. It’s better than bleach, Seamus is certain, so he opens the window as far as it will go in the hopes that it’ll eventually air out. Then he double-bags the blood-soaked towels and clothing, along with his gloves and puts the bag in the garage until he figures out what to do next. 

 

He might need to burn them, he realizes. If Gus managed to heal an open wound, then who knows what kind of weird things would show up in his blood? 

 

No one can find it. 

 

No one is going to find it. 

 

Seamus is going to keep his son safe. 

 

He goes back into the house to find Pampushka waiting for him. Seamus checks in on Gus and Connor, who are still asleep, and puts out some food for the puppy, who eats it happily. Seamus kneels down to pet her as she eats and realizes with a sickening feeling in his stomach that parts of her fur are stained with brown. 

 

Dried blood. 

 

She’ll need a bath. 

 

Seamus will see how Gus is feeling. Gus likes washing Pampushka and he’s much better at it than Seamus, who doesn’t seem to have the patience required. Maybe actually doing something like washing his dog might make him feel better. 

 

It might not, though. It might just upset him, realizing that his dog is covered in blood. 

 

Seamus makes a decision. As Pampushka finishes her food, he picks her up and she lets out a surprised little bark. Then he takes her into the bathroom that still smells like vinegar and puts her in the now clean tub. He gets the doggy shampoo from out of the medicine cabinet (it smells like peppermint and Gus likes it) and sets about washing the slightly agitated puppy. 

 

It takes him a moment to realize someone’s in the doorway. He looks up and sees Gus, who looks amused, albeit tired. “I can do this,” he says quietly. “I can do bath for Pampushka.”

 

Seamus nods, and Gus comes over and kneels down, then pets his dog who immediately calms down a little. Gus takes over, methodically rinsing the shampoo from her fur, talking to her softly in his native language. Seamus stays, just in case. He doesn’t want Gus alone in here. In the bathroom where he tried to kill himself. 

 

“Messy puppy,” says Gus fondly. “Much dirt.” He looks at the water, which is a muddy brown color, then looks at Seamus and his face falls. Seamus can see it on his face the minute he realizes why his dog needed a bath. “ Vybachte, Pampushka. Vybachte, S.”

 

“Vybachte,” Seamus repeats, as close to Gus’s pronunciation as he can. “What does it mean?”

 

Gus looks at him with wide, sad eyes. “Sorry. I am sorry.”

 

Seamus puts his hand on Gus’s shoulder and squeezes gently. “I’m sorry you’re in so much pain,” he says as calmly as he can. “I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I’m sorry for everything you’ve gone through. But I love you, and I want you to be happy and healthy and safe. We’re going to work together to help you feel better, okay? You and me and Connor. We’re all going to work together.”

 

Gus takes in a shuddery breath and nods, looking back at his dog. Seamus hands him a towel and Gus lifts Pampushka out of the bathtub and dries her off, talking to her softly in his native language. Seamus empties the bathtub and rinses it again, watching the last bits of brown disappear down the drain. 

 

That’s enough thinking about blood, he decides. 

 

“Is Connor still asleep?” Seamus asks. Gus nods as Pampushka wriggles contently in his arms. 

 

“He is very tired,” Gus says, his voice a little guilty. “I think he stays up to keep watch. It is… it is kindness.”

 

Seamus isn’t really surprised, but he smiles at Gus and they head back into the kitchen. “What do you want for breakfast?” Seamus asks. He looks at his watch. “Well, it’s more like lunchtime now. I can make whatever you want.”

 

Gus shrugs. “Not hungry.”

 

Seamus frowns. “You need to eat, Gus.”

 

Gus doesn’t look convinced. “These months, I have eaten much. Is okay if I do not eat for a time. No matter. Can have many days, not eat.”

 

Seamus closes his eyes for a moment. He really doesn’t want to start crying again. Then he opens them and looks at Gus intently. “You feel stronger now that you’re eating regularly, though. Right? We want to keep you strong. It’s good for you to be strong. Even if you don’t feel like eating, you need to eat to stay strong. So we can keep you safe.”

 

Gus kind of frowns. “How does it make safe? Food does not stop danger.”

 

“No,” Seamus replies honestly. “It doesn’t. You’re safe here, Gus. You’re safe from DYAD and the Proletheans and anyone who wants to hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you, I promise you that.” He takes a deep breath. “But you can still hurt yourself, and I want to keep you safe from that, too. So we need to keep you healthy and strong in your body, because it’ll help us when we’re working to keep your mind strong, too. Does that… does that make sense?”

 

“Food for strength,” Gus says, like he’s trying to process it. “Strong body, helps for strong mind. Okay.” He kind of frowns. “I do not know this. It is very strange.”

 

“Do you trust me to keep you safe, Gus?” Seamus asks seriously.

 

Gus looks at him for a moment, then nods. “I trust you.”

 

“Then trust me on this as well,” he says. “Okay?”

 

Gus nods again and offers up a tiny smile. “Okay.” Gus lets Pampushka down and she barks a little, then bounds off in the direction of the room Connor’s still sleeping in. Seamus can hear muffled swearing from the room and laughs a little. Gus sighs and smiles a bit wider, following his dog. “Let Connor to sleep, Pampushka!”

 

Seamus heads to the fridge and starts pulling out ingredients for a good old-fashioned fry-up. He’s feeling a little nostalgic, for some reason. He knows the boys don’t have huge appetites today, but he could definitely eat, so he’s happy to go to the effort and cook up something that’s properly Irish. 

 

Soon he’s lost in the familiar routine of wrangling all the different components of a proper Irish breakfast and settles into the rhythm of getting the timing right so everything’s ready at the same time. Gus and Connor emerge from their room just as Seamus thinks it might be time to go get them. 

 

They both look tired, but a little happier. Seamus thinks it’s good for them to spend time together. 

 

He knows Gus has missed Connor and he suspects Connor’s felt the same from the way. They seem to relax a bit in each other’s presence, which is nice. 

 

It breaks Seamus’s heart that they didn’t get the chance to grow up together. 

 

That he didn’t get the chance to raise them. 

 

He thinks about it a lot. He thinks about Anthea, and how she would have absolutely doted on her boys. She’d be heartbroken if she knew what Gus had just tried to do. What Seamus is absolutely certain Connor’s tried to do in the past. Anthea wouldn’t have let them get away with any shit, but she would have loved them. Fiercely and passionately and more than anything. 

 

She never got a chance to see them grown up. 

 

That hurts more than Seamus realizing everything he’s missed. 

 

He’s been thinking about the twins for years. Ever since he gave August to the monastery, ever since Anthea and Dorian disappeared. Even when he found out that Anthea was dead, he still didn’t give up hope that one day, he’d find his boys. He’d find them, and he’d take them somewhere and give them the life he’d always wanted to give them. 

 

Well, no, Seamus realizes as he serves up three plates of a full Irish breakfast. If they’d been somewhere safe and happy, he’d have… let them go. He wouldn’t have wanted to uproot their lives, make things complicated for them. After all, they’re not blood. 

 

Not that blood is everything, of course. 

 

But…

 

As awful as what’s happened to his boys is, he’s grateful that he gets the chance to be with them. To spend this time with them. For them to be his boys. 

 

August and Dorian, now Gus and Connor. 

 

Kids who have been through so, so much. 

 

But still Seamus’s boys. 

 

“Much food,” says Gus, his eyes a little wide. 

 

“Are there beans in this?” Connor asks, looking at the plate a little skeptically. 

 

“Proper Irish breakfast,” Seamus announces. “Toast and eggs and bacon and sausage and beans and fried tomato. Sorry, you’re missing out on black pudding, but there’s only so much I can do here in America.”

 

Gus picks up his plate and starts eating. Seamus is pleased to see that his appetite seems to be back, and he gets stuck into it with gusto. Connor looks at it, shrugs and then starts eating, nodding in appreciation every now and then. Seamus starts in on his own, and they sit around the kitchen counter, not really talking but just enjoying each other’s company, the food, and the morning sun. 

 

The rest of the day goes by in a bit of a blur. Gus and Connor both seem tired, and Seamus knows he definitely is, so they all park in front of the television and watch some kind of cartoon. Seamus doesn’t recognize it, and he’s not sure if the boys do, either, but they’re content to kind of just… sit. Seamus makes hot chocolate in the middle of the afternoon and pulls out a packet of cookies, which they work through together, and that evening orders pizza. 

 

The boys go to bed relatively early, both looking absolutely exhausted, but Seamus stays up, trying to figure out a game plan. 

 

He knows Gus needs help. More help than he can give him. Professional help. But it’s not like he can just go out and find a therapist who specializes in the kind of trauma Gus has gone through. Not to mention the fact that Gus has…

 

Gus has killed people. 

 

Seamus has watched Gus kill someone. 

 

Seamus has killed someone himself so Gus wouldn’t have to carry that weight ever again. And Seamus knows that if he has to, he’ll kill for Gus again. 

 

He’s killed for Gus before. 

 

It was 2008 when Seamus finally decided it might be safe to go back for August. He’d spent a lot of time hiding his tracks, building up his resources, making things as safe as he could possibly manage. Eight long years of favors and jobs and scrimping and saving. Getting enough together so he could retrieve his son and give him the kind of life he deserved. Not just money, but contacts. People who could help them disappear. 

 

When he arrived at the monastery, the monks told him that August was gone. 

 

He hadn’t understood at first. He’d been assured that the monks would keep him safe. He’d been so sure he could trust them… 

 

Seamus didn’t react well. He’s not proud of himself of how he held a gun to the head of one of the fathers, demanding to know what had happened to his son. 

 

He’d explained that August had been taken. 

 

There’d been a visitor to the monastery. A woman who’d said that August was special, that he had a holy purpose. They’d tried to keep her away from him, but it hadn’t worked. 

 

One morning they’d gone to wake August up for breakfast and found his room empty. 

 

Seamus interrogated them for hours about this woman, but they didn’t know much. All that they knew was a word the woman had used to describe herself. 

 

Prolethean. 

 

Seamus spent years trying to track down these Proletheans. Learning everything he could about them. Every piece of information, every story, it just made him more and more terrified. 

 

The Proletheans were religious extremists. They’d been founded by an ex-DYAD scientist, in the wake of the Phanes project. He’d come to some kind of religious epiphany and founded a cult based on shunning the evils of science. 

 

A cult that condemned human cloning as the work of the devil. 

 

August was part of the Phanes project. August was a clone. 

 

What would they do to him?

 

It took a long time, but Seamus eventually found a lead that bore fruit. He came across some Proletheans in early 2010, living together in a sort of commune in Switzerland. The leader of this commune called himself Zachariah and talked of the crimes against God committed by science. The Proletheans took themselves away from the world and claimed they were called to live simply by God, to stay away from the evils of man. 

 

There were a lot of children in the commune. Children being indoctrinated into religious madness. Being told that they were called to cleanse the world, that God would reward them if they kept the faith, that they had to prepare to fight when the time came. To fight and to kill to protect their way of life. To fulfill God’s purpose for them. 

 

It made Seamus sick. 

 

Seamus posed as a traveler, interested in their beliefs, and spent a lot of time with Zachariah, biding his time and keeping patient. Trying to learn as much as he could about the Proletheans and their beliefs. It took a while, but after nearly a month, he finally got Zachariah talking over a large glass of scotch about DYAD. 

 

About the cursed children. 

 

“We found one,” Zachariah had said, in smooth but slightly accented English. “In a monastery in Ukraine. We took him and we gave him a purpose.” He’d leaned in closer, looking at Seamus with fire in his eyes. “We trained him like we train our own here. We’re still training him. When the time comes, he’ll hunt them down.”

 

“He’ll hunt who down?”

 

“The others,” Zachariah had said simply. “The other cursed children. He’ll cleanse the world of them, and when he’s done, we’ll put him down. He’s not human. He’s not real. He’s a demon, but he’s a demon we can use for God’s purposes.”

 

Seamus saw red. He’d pulled out his weapon, held the gun to Zachariah’s head and demanded that he tell him where the child was. Zachariah had laughed, spat in his face, and laughed again. 

 

“You’ve been blinded by the devil,” said Zachariah, sneering. “Whatever you think those children are, I promise you you’re wrong. They’re unholy abominations.”

 

“Where’s August?”

 

Zachariah laughed again. “You’ll never find him. He’s being protected by one of our most faithful. He’s being trained to be a ghost. To slip in and out and kill and leave a trail of his dead brothers in his wake. It won’t be long before it starts. And there’s nothing you can do about it.”

 

Seamus pulled the trigger and shot Zachariah straight in the head. 

 

He remembers exactly what happened after that. 

 

He finished his drink, then he woke up the woman who took care of the children and told her to take them into the city. She was frightened, but compliant. 

 

Seamus watched as the children filed out into the night, away from the commune. 

 

Then he burned the place down. 

 

He could hear screaming as he walked away, but he didn’t care. 

 

He wouldn’t kill the innocent, but there were no innocent left in that building when he set the place ablaze.

 

He’d been a wreck once he got back to Ireland days later. He didn’t have any further leads on August or the Proletheans. He didn’t know what to do next. He’d spent maybe a full week just… drinking. 

Mourning his child and what he would become. 

 

Seamus wonders, almost daily, what would have happened if he’d kept looking for Gus back then. All those years ago. After the blow of what happened in Switzerland, he’d got a message from one of his contacts about a clone in New York City. 

 

Seamus had figured out, relatively soon after he got the confirmation that Anthea was killed, that Dorian had been taken to America. And he thought just maybe… 

 

Maybe this clone in New York was Dorian. 

 

So he’d moved, got a job as a doorman in the apartment building where the clone lived, and met Ben Childs in the summer of 2010. 

 

Thinking about Ben hurts as well. 

 

He’d liked Ben. Ben was a good kid. Smart. Funny. Curious to a fault. Ben wanted to know what was happening. He wanted to know about people. Seamus remembers him asking questions about the other people in the building, and how he’d sit with Seamus for hours on end and talk and people watch with him. 

 

How he was really, really bad at magic tricks but Seamus would just play along. If Ben asked ‘is this your card?’, Seamus would just say yes. Just to see the look of pride on his face. 

 

He’d honestly thought that Ben might be Dorian. For nearly 2 years, he’d let himself think that Ben was actually Dorian. It had taken a while, but he’d finally managed to track down hospital records for Benjamin Childs’ birth.

 

And realized in 2012 that Ben Childs was an IVF baby. That Janine Childs had most definitely given birth to him. 

 

Ben was another clone. He wasn’t Dorian. 

 

But he was a kid whose parents didn’t seem to give a shit about him, and Seamus… 

 

Seamus was a parent who couldn’t find his kids. 

 

Seamus stayed in New York City. And did the best he could to be there for Ben from a distance. 

 

So many times, Seamus thought about just… asking if Ben wanted to come live with him. His parents were never there. They didn’t seem to care about him. 

 

But he didn’t. 

 

Because he knew for a fact that Ben wasn’t Dorian. Or August. 

 

Ben wasn’t his. 

 

Ben wasn’t a replacement, even if he looked exactly like what Dorian and August would look like if Seamus could see them in the flesh. 

 

Ben was his own person, with his own life, and he didn’t owe Seamus anything. 

 

Seamus tried to keep an eye on him. And when Ben was younger, it seemed to work. But as Anthony and Janine Childs became more and more distant, Ben grew more and more withdrawn. Then when he turned sixteen, something shifted and Seamus saw less and less of him. 

 

Ben looked more and more haunted every time he saw him. 

 

Seamus should have done something then. 

 

He should have said something then. 

 

Ben started his senior year of high school and Seamus knew that something wasn’t quite right. 

 

Except that Ben didn’t start his senior year of high school. 

 

Connor started Ben’s senior year of high school. 

 

Because Ben killed himself on a park bench in Connor’s hometown, right in front of him. 

 

Ben killed himself. 

 

Connor went to that park to kill himself. 

 

Gus tried to kill himself. 

 

Christ Almighty, has Seamus fucked up when it comes to these boys. 

 

He pours himself a scotch, much like that night in Switzerland eight years ago, and lets himself fall apart in the dark of the living room. 

 

* * *

 

Gus wakes up early in the morning. The light is just beginning. Connor is asleep. Pampushka is asleep. He can hear them snoring, and it is very cute that they snore in the same pattern. 

 

Gus thinks this would be a good time to try again. 

 

He does not know why it did not work the first time. He knows how to kill. He knows where to attack, where the body is most vulnerable. He knows how to make death come slowly, but he also knows how to make death quick, and that is what he did. 

 

But somehow, he is alive. 

 

He does not understand why he is alive. 

 

Could it be that God is angry with him? That God does not want him? That he still has a purpose to fulfill here on Earth? 

 

Gus does not know what his purpose is. 

 

He thinks that the things he has done have angered God. 

 

He thinks about the faces that look like his, the faces of the clones that he has killed. He sees them in his mind very often and he knows he is a monster. 

 

He knows he is a killer. He knows that killing is what he knows best. 

 

Yet he was unable to kill himself. 

 

What does it mean?

 

What does it all mean?

 

Connor makes a strange noise in his sleep, like a sneeze, and Gus smiles at his sleeping twin. It is good to see him, even though Gus thinks that Connor did not want to come. Not really.  Connor has good life in New York, learning many things and preparing for college, where he will learn and grow and create a future for himself. 

 

Gus cannot picture a future for himself. 

 

Not now. 

 

S asks him once about what he would like, and Gus cannot answer, because he does not know. He likes to do the drawing, and he does this. He has a dog now, and he likes this. This is enough for now, he thinks, but S asks him what he would like to do after. 

 

Gus does not know. 

 

He does not know what he wants, because he no longer has his holy mission, and it is hard. 

 

“You okay?”

 

Gus did not notice Connor wake up. His voice is scratchy with sleep. 

 

“I am okay,” Gus assured him.

 

Connor’s nose crinkles and he looks unhappy. “You’re not,” he replies, his voice very sad. “You wouldn’t have… if you were okay, you wouldn’t have…”

 

Connor does not seem to want to say the words out loud, and Gus understands this. It is hard to talk about death sometimes. 

 

Gus does not know if he is glad he is alive, however. But he does know that he is glad to be with his brother and his dog, in this moment. 

 

Maybe that is enough for now. 

 

“I am sorry to ruin your summer,” Gus says, looking at Connor so he knows that what he says is true. 

 

Connor blinks. “You’re not… you didn’t ruin my summer.”

 

Gus sighs. “I know you are not wanting to be here, Connor.”

 

Connor looks very startled. Then very sad. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Connor says, his voice firm. “I’m not… I’m… I’m upset about what you tried to do, Gus, but it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be here. I’d… it’d be worse if you had… if you hadn’t…”

 

Connor starts to cry and Gus feels very small. He puts his hand on Connor’s shoulder, and Connor pulls him into a hug, and then Gus is crying too because… Connor crying makes him sad. He does not like to see his twin cry, especially not because of him. 

 

“I’m just really fucking glad you’re alive,” Connor blurts out, and Gus is…

 

He is not surprised, but he does not know if he agrees. 

 

Not yet. 

 

Maybe, he thinks, he will feel this way soon. 

 

But he does not know how. 

 

They go back to sleep for some time, and Gus does not try again. In the morning, there is breakfast, and S has cooked pancakes. Connor watches as Gus eats and Gus knows that both Connor and S want him to be eating, so he eats. The pancakes are very delicious, but he does not feel like he deserves them. 

 

Not when Connor and S are both looking so sad. 

 

“There’s a visitor coming this afternoon,” S says after pouring himself a coffee, looking straight at Gus. “Gus, she’s here to talk to you. About how you’ve been feeling.”

 

Gus frowns. “Why?”

 

S sighs. “You need help, son. You… we can’t lose you, so we need to bring in some help. Someone you can talk to about your life, about your past, about what’s happened to you. So you can learn to heal.”

 

Gus frowns again, looking at his pancakes. “Talking about feelings,” he says, very confused. “This is… this is not what is done. I do not think I want to do this.”

 

“You don’t have to tell her anything you don’t want to,” S says, his voice very careful. “But I think… I think it could help. She’s a therapist, so she understands that things are hard sometimes. She can help you find ways to make things… easier. To deal with some of your… some of the bad feelings. So you don’t have to hurt yourself anymore.”

 

Gus feels his whole body tense up. He does not like to think about it. But he knows he must pay penance. He tries to keep it away from S, away from Connor, but it must be done, and he does not know another way. 

 

Maybe he can find another way if he talks to therapist. 

 

“You are wanting I talk to therapist,” Gus says quietly. “I can try. That is okay? That I try? Maybe I… it might not be good. It might be too hard, and I might… I do not know her, and what if she is not safe?”

 

“It’s okay that you try,” S says, sounding a little happier. 

 

Gus frowns. “I do not know many people,” he admits. “But I… therapist is not like Tatiana, no? Even though she is woman. She is… you think she is safe?” 

 

Gus does not think that S would bring someone who was not safe into the house, but he has to be sure. 

 

Tatiana is the only woman he knows. 

 

And he has hurt him. 

 

She is not here, but she can still hurt his spirit. 

 

“I do not want to be alone with therapist,” Gus announces, pushing his pancake around his plate. “I do not know if she is safe. Can you stay with me to be sure she is safe?”

 

He looks at S, and S looks very, very sad. But he nods. “I can do that.”

 

Gus nods, then goes back to his pancakes. He feels a bit more certain about therapist now, even though he does not know if he truly understands why talking will help. 

 

He thinks things are hard to talk about. 

 

But S seems happy that he has agreed to talk with therapist, and Gus likes it when S is happy, so… 

 

The pancakes are very delicious and Gus knows it makes S happy when he eats, so he eats many pancakes. Once they’ve finished eating, Gus helps Connor do the dishes. S tries to help but Connor says that he and Gus “got this”, so S goes to the small room and tidies up. 

 

Gus is still getting used to the many rooms in the house. He has never lived in a house before, but he likes it. There is a bedroom for S and a bedroom for Gus, but there is also a small room. S says it is an office but it does not look like the offices Gus sees on TV. It has many books in it. 

 

After the dishes are done, Gus and Connor help S bring chairs into the small room. It is very strange. Once this is done, Gus is very tired, and Connor asks if he wants to watch the Space Jam again. 

 

Gus thinks this would be nice, so he and Connor sit on the couch and watch Space Jam. When it is time for lunch, they eat sandwiches. 

 

Then it is time for therapist. 

 

Her name is Mathilde, and she has long black hair that is very shiny. Gus thinks it is very beautiful. When she speaks, it does not sound like Connor’s American or S’s Irish. It is different. Gus thinks it is maybe French, but not like the French he hears in France, and the words she says are English. 

 

It is very confusing. 

 

Connor smiles and says hello to her, and this makes Gus feel better. S explains that it was Mathilde who drove Connor from the airport. This makes Gus feel even better still, because if Connor was alone with Mathilde but still safe, then Gus will be safe also, and this is very good. 

 

Soon Mathilde, S and Gus go into the small room with Pampushka. Connor says they can be in the living room if they want, but Gus says the small room is okay. 

 

In the beginning, they do not talk much. Gus is not sure what to say. Mathilde asks him how he is, and he says that he is good, and S frowns. Gus thinks maybe it is the wrong answer, but he knows this is how the question goes. 

 

“How are you?” 

 

“I’m fine, how are you?”

 

Mathilde says, very gently, that when they are in the therapy, he must be honest when asked ‘how are you?’. It still seems a strange question, so she says she will ‘rephrase’ it. Gus does not know this word, rephrase, so he asks, and S explains that rephrase means to ‘say it simply’. 

 

Gus likes this very much. 

 

Sometimes things that S and Connor say are confusing. If rephrase means say it simply, then he can ask this and it will be okay. 

 

Mathilde asks Gus ‘how are you feeling?’ and Gus has to take a moment to think about it. 

 

“I am feeling sad,” he says quietly. “I am feeling that I do not have purpose, and this makes me sad. It makes me think that without purpose, I should not be here. I should not be alive.” Gus cannot look at S while he says this, because he knows S will be sad, and it feels like a knife in his chest when S is sad. “When I try to not be alive, it does not work. I do not know if this is sign. I think… I think I am very lost.”

 

Gus will not look at S when he says this. 

 

He does not like to see S sad. 

 

S is being very, very quiet, and Gus is glad for this. He is trying to be honest, but it is hard, and he does not like to make S sad. 

 

“Why do you think you have to have a purpose to be alive, Gus?” Mathilde asks. Her voice is gentle and soft. She is clean and her hair is shiny and she has kind eyes. 

 

Mathilde is very different to Tatiana, who was harsh and rough and always had much anger. 

 

Gus is still wary, but Mathilde is different, he thinks. 

 

He can understand different now. 

 

“I am told that I am tool, and I have holy mission,” Gus tries to explain. “With no holy mission, I am worthless. This is what I am told. Many times.” He tries to make sense of things in his head, to explain to S and Mathilde. “I know that things I am told not always true. I know I must listen to voice of God, that he is the only truth. But is hard. Because when words are said many times… they are sticky.”

 

“Sticky?” Mathilde asks. Her voice is very gentle. 

 

Gus nods. “Sticky. Words said many times are sticky and do not leave you. Even when lies, they do not leave. Sticky.”

 

“That’s a really good way of looking at it,” says Mathilde. There is warmth in her voice. 

 

Gus likes it very much. 

 

Mathilde says that they can start looking at sticky words, help to make them less sticky so Gus can focus on the truth. Gus likes this. He knows that sticky words are very sticky, and he wants to be less sad. He wants to have normal life. 

 

Pampushka is on his lap the whole time they are talking. Her fur is very soft. When Gus pets Pampushka’s fur, things are better, even if it is just for a little while. 

 

She licks his face and Gus likes this, even if sometimes her breath is not smelling very good. 

 

After therapy, S asks if Connor and Gus would like to go into the town for ice cream. It is very hot, so Gus agrees that this could be good. There are not many people in the town, but they are friendly, and Gus likes it. Connor seems uncomfortable, but he follows along with Gus and S and Pampushka. Gus thinks that Connor does not like being around people he does not know, but Gus sometimes finds it good to be near people. 

 

Gus does not like to be alone. 

 

After ice cream, they go to the supermarket to get foods. Gus says to S that he would like to learn how to make more foods. S buys some eggs and says that tomorrow, he will show Gus how to make them scramble. 

 

Gus does not know what it is to scramble but he is looking forward to learn. 

 

That night Seamus stirs and fries and there is meat and also vegetables in a sauce that tastes very good, and Gus would like to learn how to stir and fry one day, too. Not today, though. 

 

Gus is very tired. 

 

He goes to bed early and falls asleep straight away and does not dream. 

 

He is thankful for this. 

 

There are many horrors in his dreams still. 

 

* * *

 

Seamus, it turns out, is a big fan of routine. Routine isn’t something Connor’s had a lot of in his life, but he thinks it’s kind of comforting, in a way. He can see why it would be useful for Gus and is getting used to it himself. It’s nice. It’s nice to know what to expect, after a year where all sorts of weird shit just kept happening and he never knew what was coming next. 

 

The routine goes something like this: breakfast, usually cooked by Seamus, sometimes with Gus’s help depending on how he’s feeling, then taking Pampushka for a walk and heading to a nearby park where Pampushka would play, Gus would teach her tricks and Connor would read. Three times a week, Gus sees Mathilde and they meet in the afternoons after lunch.  Usually, while Gus is in therapy, Connor reads in the living room, or watches something on TV. Usually reading, though. Sometimes they’ll go to the library in the afternoons if Gus doesn’t have therapy. In the evenings, they’ll watch movies and have dinner and sometimes talk a little, but mostly just spend time together in comfortable silence. 

 

It’s nice. It’s normal. It’s… not what Connor expected. 

 

A month into his stay, the three of them take a drive to… somewhere, Connor’s not really sure where. Seamus brings Connor’s phones, which he had turned off and put in a safe when Connor arrived at the house, and tells Connor that he should be safe to turn them on and see if he’s heard from Ben’s parents or the other members of clone club. 

 

When he turns on Ben’s phone, there’s just a message from Pippa asking how his summer was going, but nothing from Ben’s parents at all. He fires off a quick message saying he’s out of town with friends and doesn’t have great reception so not to worry if they can’t get hold of him. Not that he thinks it’s going to make any difference, but… at least he tried. 

 

His clone phone, on the other hand…

 

There are hundreds of messages. Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds, all getting increasingly more worried. It turns out that Reed had actually gone to New York to check up on him just last week. Connor feels like shit and immediately calls Torpedo, who’s sent the majority of the messages. 

 

“Connor! Is that you?” 

 

“Yeah, it’s me,” Connor says in a rush. “Fuck, Torpedo, I’m so sorry-”

 

“Are you okay? What happened? I tried to track your phone and I-”

 

“You can’t track my phone,” Connor interrupts quickly. “I’m with Gus and Seamus.”

 

There’s a pause on the other end of the line, then an almost relieved laugh. “Oh thank god. Okay, I thought… shit, I thought you might have… fucking hell, Connor, tell us next time, okay?”

 

As what Torpedo was thinking sinks in, Connor feels like even more of an asshole. “I’m so sorry,” he says. “It’s just… it all happened really quickly and I…”

 

“What happened?” Torpedo asks gently. 

 

“Gus tried to kill himself,” says Connor. The words don’t feel right in his mouth. “Seamus called me and I flew out, just after graduation. He’s worried about people tracking us, so we’re… I’m calling from a completely different place, he’s really worried about being found, so… I can’t tell you where I am, but I’m safe, and so is Gus, and we’re… we’re okay.”

 

“I’m so sorry,” Torpedo says, clearly shaken. “Poor Gus, I… I know he doesn’t know me, but tell him… I mean, if you think he’d be okay with it, you can tell him that I hope he feels better soon… Jesus fuck that sounds lame, never mind, I-”

 

“I’ll tell him,” Connor insists. “I’m sorry for scaring you.”

 

“I’ll kick your ass next time I see you.”

 

“With those noodle legs?”

 

“Pot. Kettle.”

 

“Sorry dude, all I heard was pot.”

 

Torpedo snorts. “Fucking stoner.”

 

They chat for a bit and Torpedo promises to tell Reed and Lucas that Connor’s not dead in a ditch somewhere and apologize on his behalf. “Seriously, I am really sorry,” Connor says for what’s probably the millionth time. “I didn’t mean to freak you out. I’m just… I didn’t think, and I’m sorry.”

 

“You were worried about Gus,” Torpedo says, and Connor can practically hear him nodding over the phone. “I get it. Just… try to keep in touch a little better, okay? I know you can’t really from wherever you are, but when you get back to New York, just… we care, you know?”

 

“I know you do,” Connor assures him. “And yeah. When I get back to New York, I’ll be in touch.”

 

When he’s putting his phones back into the safe in Seamus’s office, safely turned off, Connor makes a mental note to talk to Torpedo about how best to keep a phone safe so he can actually have it on him when he’s here visiting Seamus and Gus. 

 

He’ll deal with that when he gets back to New York. 

 

Connor’s made his way through the reading lists for the classes he’s enrolled in for his first semester at NYU without too much of an issue, and is now just reading things for fun. Gus seems a little intimidated by the speed at which Connor reads and Connor is quick to assure him that even for a native English speaker, Connor reads freakishly fast. 

 

When Connor says that, Gus’s face falls. 

 

“I do not like that word,” Gus says quietly. 

 

Connor blinks. “What word?”

 

“Freakish. Freak. I am called a freak many times and I do not like this. I would like that you not call yourself this, okay?”

 

Connor kind of blinks again. 

 

_ “You think I’m a freak? I’m not a freak, you’re the fucking freak.” _

 

“Okay,” Connor says quietly. “I won’t… I won’t say that.”

 

It’s been nearly six weeks when Seamus asks Connor, quietly, if he’d like to have a session with Mathilde. He’s hesitant at first, because he kind of thinks that he’s… fine. All things considered. He’s fine, he’s here to hang out with Gus and Pampushka, who is getting bigger by the minute, and help Seamus with dealing with all of this, and… 

 

He doesn’t need to be seeing a therapist now. He’s got one in New York. 

 

One he can’t be completely honest with, sure, but a therapist nonetheless. 

 

“Mathilde is nice lady,” Gus says that night when they’re going to bed. “S says he asks you if you want to talk to her and you say no. I think you will find it healing.”

 

“You think so?” Connor asks absently, raking his hand through his hair which is finally getting some length. He’s not cutting it again if he can help it. 

 

“Nice lady and kind,” Gus assures him. “Very sensible. Knows things. Knows what to say, has good ideas, helps me to calm thoughts. Helps to unstick thoughts that are sticky.”

 

Connor frowns a little. “What do you mean by that?”

 

Gus looks thoughtful. “Sometimes, you know that a thought is not true, but you hear it often. So often that maybe you think it is true. It becomes sticky then. Mathilde helps find ways to unstick.”

 

Connor thinks he gets it, but he’s never looked at it that way before. Gus never ceases to surprise him. “What kind of things do you do to make the thoughts… unstick?”

 

Gus smiles, a little sadly. “Is not easy to unstick. Example? I am told I am worthless. Many times. Worthless without holy mission. This thought? Sticky. Very sticky. So I tell myself, many times over and over, that I am worth. I am not without worth. That all humans have worth. That even though I have made mistakes and have many sins, I am still worth.”

 

“You’re worth a lot,” Connor tells his twin, trying to fight the lump in his throat as he does. “You’re worth so, so, so much.”

 

The next day, Connor tells Seamus he’d like to talk to Mathilde. Seamus sets up a meeting for that afternoon. Soon he’s sitting in the office on a comfortable chair, staring down this woman he vaguely knows. She’s got a nice smile and seems utterly unruffled. 

 

“Seamus has told me a bit about you boys,” she says. “So I know it’s been a wild ride. Why don’t you start from the beginning and tell me what’s been going on?”

 

Somehow, Connor’s comfortable enough that it all comes spilling out: watching Ben die, meeting Torpedo, Reed and Lucas, seeing Gus murder Guy, seeing Tatiana murder Jerome, getting to know Gus and Seamus and understanding what they mean to each other - what they should have always meant to each other. To her credit, Mathilde doesn’t look surprised or shocked, she just looks… like she’s listening. 

 

Like she’s paying attention. 

 

Like she cares. 

 

When he’s spilled it all out, he feels kind of drained, but… better. Connor admits that right now he’s feeling pretty good, but he’s worried about school and leaving Gus and Seamus and…

 

That when they’re all together here, in the middle of nowhere, it feels like nothing can hurt him again. 

 

And when he goes back to school, he’s not sure what that means. 

 

* * *

 

“I’m thinking of taking a gap year.”

 

Seamus stares at Connor, a little taken aback at his sudden announcement. It’s getting to the stage where they should be looking at getting Connor back to New York, and Seamus knew Connor was a little antsy about it, but he didn’t realise it was this serious. 

 

“If you want to take a gap year, of course I’ll support you,” Seamus says after a moment. “As long as you’re sure this is what you want to do.”

 

“What is gap year?” Gus asks. 

 

“It’s taking a year off from school,” Connor explains. “So I could stay here. With you and S.”

 

Gus’s eyes light up for a moment, but then he frowns. “But you are wanting to do learnings,” he says, his voice a little hesitant. “You are reading all the books, and saying that you look forward to learning on them. Why would you want this to delay?”

 

Connor shrugs and doesn’t quite look at his twin. “I just… I don’t know if I’m ready, that’s all. I like being here. I like being here with you and S and Pampushka, I don’t… I don’t know if I’m ready to go back to New York and be alone and…” Connor pushes the last bite of his eggs around his plate. He’s not looking at Seamus, either. 

 

“You won’t be alone in New York,” Seamus says quietly. “There’s Reed and Torpedo and Lucas, they’re not far. And if you ever need us, you can call.”

 

“I can’t really, though,” says Connor, a little mournfully. “I’m just… I’m worried I’ll… I just want something easy.”

 

“I do not think that life is easy,” Gus says, his voice solemn. “I think that I would like you to be here. But you are thinking about this before we leave and you make decision for college and learnings, so this is what you should do. I think is best for you.”

 

“It’s up to you,” Seamus says again. “It really is. But just… think about it, okay?” 

 

Connor nods, and Seamus moves to tidy up from the meal. Connor gets up and helps, whereas Gus is still sitting at the kitchen table, frowning a little. 

 

That evening, they all watch a movie together - it’s Space Jam, yet again, but Connor doesn’t complain and Seamus isn’t about to either, even if he’s pretty sure he could quote the whole thing at gunpoint now. Connor falls asleep halfway through, right on Gus’s shoulder, and Gus looks at Seamus, his expression serious. 

 

“I would like that Connor stays with us,” Gus says, very quietly to Seamus. “But I think it is best for him to go to do the learning at college. I think if he stays here, soon he will be bored. Is simple life, but maybe not good for Connor.”

 

“I think you’re right,” Seamus admits. “But we have to let him make his own decision, son.”

 

Gus smiles. “I like when you call me son,” he says, his voice a little hesitant. 

 

Seamus’s heart is pounding. “You know that you can call me Dad if you want, right Gus?”

 

Gus’s eyes widen a little. “Maybe soon,” he says quietly. “I will think on this. Is this okay?”

 

“It’s okay,” Seamus assures him. “You need to make your own decisions, too. It’s… it’s very important to me that you boys make your own decisions.”

 

“I have never had chance to make decision,” Gus says quietly. “I like that you do this. You are good dad.”

 

Seamus wipes his face and tries not to let on that he’s crying, but he thinks Gus can tell. Gus smiles, his own smile a little watery, and they both focus back on the movie. 

 

* * *

 

It is time for Connor to go back to New York. Gus is happy that Connor will go back to do learning, but he is also sad that Connor will not be staying. It is strange, to be happy and sad all at once. 

 

It has been a good summer. There has been much pizza, many eggs to scramble, and also lots of walks in the park. Connor has read many books and Gus has begun to read more as well. He is still learning how English works for reading, and it is very different to Ukrainian, but he likes it. 

 

Gus is glad that Connor is going to do learning, because he can tell that Connor likes this. Gus would like this also, but knows there is much he has missed. S tells him that he can do some learnings by himself and prepare for taking a test that will give him opportunities. It is called GED and Gus thinks this could be very good. He must learn much for this to be possible, but he likes learning and he is willing to make effort to learn many things. 

 

The three of them and also Pampushka get into the car and drive many hours to the airport. Pampushka is a good girl in cars. She is always polite and quiet and is never distraction to driver, which Gus thinks is good. She is a very smart girl and is always knowing when Gus is sad, or upset, or when the dark thoughts are too much. 

 

Gus still has many sticky, dark thoughts. 

 

He thinks sometimes that his family would be better off if he were not alive. That he is not worth, because he is murderer and many people are dead by his hand. That he will never do things enough to make this right. 

 

He wakes up in the middle of the night and cries sometimes, making sure to be quiet so he does not wake Connor. 

 

But this does not work. It never works. Connor always wakes, and says words of comfort, and tells him that the dark thoughts can fuck right off. 

 

It is vulgar, but effective. 

 

Gus thinks that when it is just him, he will think of Connor’s words. 

 

He will be alone, but not really, for there will always be Connor, telling the dark thoughts to fuck right off. 

 

There will be reminders from Mathilde to help the sticky thoughts unstick. 

 

There will be eggs to scramble and stirring and frying, and also pizza and hugs from S. 

 

From Dad. 

 

Gus thinks that he will call him Dad now. 

 

It is what he wants to be. 

 

It is what Gus wants him to be. 

 

When they get to the airport, Gus gives Connor a big hug and tries not to cry. “Christmas is when we see each other next, yes?” 

 

Connor nods. He looks like he might cry, also. “Definitely. I’ll see you all at Christmas.”

 

“Travel safe, son,” says S, pulling Connor into a hug. “Enjoy college. Keep in touch if you need anything. I know we have to be careful, but… if you need us, we’ll be there.”

 

Connor nods, and pushes his hair out of his face. It is getting long. 

 

Gus likes it long. Long like his. But also soft and clean and cared for. 

 

“Love you much,” Gus manages to say, though it is hard to talk because he is sad to see his twin leave.

 

Connor smiles, even though his smile is a little crooked. “Love you much, Gus.”

  
  



	2. Summer 2019

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are y'all ready for Douchebag Poetry Connor? I'm not.

This time when Connor flies into Minnesota, Seamus is the one waiting for him at the gate. He smiles wide when he sees Connor and Connor smiles back, albeit it a little awkwardly. Seamus basically grabs him in a hug the minute he gets within range and Connor tries not to cringe.

 

He’d forgotten how touchy-feely Seamus could be.

 

Seamus kind of deflates a little when Connor tenses up, and Connor feels bad for a moment, but then Seamus shakes it off and takes Connor’s duffel bag, despite his protests that he can carry it just fine. Connor follows Seamus back to the car and they start the drive back to Wisconsin.

 

“So how’d the end of the semester go?” Seamus asks as they pull out of the airport parking lot. “How are your grades?”

 

“Straight As,” Connor admits with no small measure of pride. The pride wells up in his chest even more as he looks at Seamus, who’s absolutely beaming.

 

“I’m proud of you,” says Seamus, his voice a little shaky with emotion, and Connor really hopes he doesn’t cry because that would just be super uncomfortable for everyone.

 

“Where’s Gus?” he asks instead.

 

“Home,” Seamus replies, smiling a little. “He’s fine, he’s just studying. He’s got his GED test coming up soon. There’s a lot of information he needs to know and he’s been working really hard to get it all sorted.” Seamus looks over at Connor and smiles warmly. “He’s looking forward to seeing you.”

 

“Yeah, me too,” says Connor, a little awkwardly. He _is_ looking forward to Gus. He thinks. Well, no, he definitely is, it’s just that…

 

Life has been different.

 

Over the past year, life has been different.

 

He saw Gus and Seamus at Christmas for just under a week, and it had been nice but busy. There’d been a proper Christmas dinner and presents and an almost overwhelming sense of home and family without any of the awkwardness of a traditional Murphy Family Christmas and Connor had just… kind of gone along with it.

 

Then gone home and realized how fucking _weird_ it all was.

 

And how weird that it was weird.

 

That his life had been so strange and bizarre up until that point that it was weird to have a relatively normal Christmas.

 

He hadn’t wanted to talk about Christmas with his friends at college. Oddly enough, he’s made friends in his classes, in particular, his poetry class and an intro to philosophy class.

 

It’s still a weird sensation to have friends, but they all seem to get it, at least to an extent. They’re into poetry and philosophy and they’re cool. On the weekends (and a lot of weeknights, let’s be real) they’ll get together and talk about life and its meaning and smoke either weed or clove cigarettes and just… be real together.

 

Connor’s so sick of talking about stupid shit like the weather and TV shows and whatever, he wants to talk about life and the universe and existence and all that good shit. So it’s good to have friends who are on the same page.

 

Obviously, there are things he can’t tell them.

 

Basically everything about himself.

 

He can’t even tell them his real name.

 

He’s still Ben Childs.

 

He’s… well, there’s a guy he’s been seeing, on and off. His name is Vince and he’s tall and he’s angry at the state of the world and is really into nihilism and the idea that nothing matters, and even though Connor personally leans more to an absurdist view, he gets nihilism. He gets feeling like nothing matters. Like everything is terrible.

 

Connor’s seen people with his face die in front of him.

 

In a lot of ways, he feels like he’s watched himself die.

 

He’s written a lot of poetry about death and people seem to like it. Vince likes it. Vince thinks he’s deep and interesting and asked him out just after winter break and they’d spent, like, an entire weekend stoned out of their minds having sex and Connor’s pretty sure he called him Jerome at least once but Vince didn’t seem to notice.

 

He remembers one night when they were in bed, both high off their asses and without even really thinking about it, he asked Vince to call him Connor.

 

Vince had kind of laughed and then talked about how names were meaningless anyway. How everything is meaningless and a name is just a label and…

 

Connor had kissed him to get him to stop talking there, because… well…

 

He doesn’t disagree that everything is meaningless. It’s all a fucking mess. He’s got people running around all over the place with his face.

 

But names are important, Connor thinks, even though he’s not going to tell Vince that.

 

Names are really fucking important.

 

He’s not Ben. He’s Connor.

 

And Gus isn’t August anymore.

 

What you call yourself, what other people call you, it’s fucking important. Names are really fucking important.

 

But Connor didn’t want to get into a fight with Vince over it, so he didn’t bring it up again.

 

Vince is staying in New York for the summer and seemed… disappointed that Connor was leaving town. He also didn’t really get why Connor wouldn’t tell him where he was going or what he was doing or who he was going to with, and it got really frustrating, because even though Connor would never tell Vince any of the shit that he’s had to deal with since he found out he was a clone and started impersonating someone with his face, it’s not fucking fair that he has to keep this kind of weird secret.

 

To be fair, Vince had kind of dug the mystery to an extent. He’d said it was kind of hot that Connor was vague and deep and mysterious and they’d fucked pretty enthusiastically the night Connor told him he was going away for the summer. But after that, Vince had just been weird about it. Weird and distant and aloof.

 

Connor can’t really see him continuing a relationship with Vince next semester.

 

But he doesn’t think he cares and that’s…

 

That’s weird.

 

Like, that’s not normal.

 

He shouldn’t be completely okay with the fact that his boyfriend (or whatever, they’d never really done the labels thing because, as Vince said, everything is meaningless) is kind of freezing him out just because he’s going away for the summer and can’t contact him. But, like, he gets it, and…

 

Well, it’s weird.

 

It’s not that he doesn’t want to be in Wisconsin for the summer with Gus and Seamus. It really isn’t. He’s missed them, more than he cares to admit, but the more time he spends away from them, the more unreal and bizarre the whole situation that brought their lives together is, and…

 

It’s not like he’s going to forget that he’s part of a massive international cloning conspiracy anytime soon, but it’s not something he has to deal with on a daily basis anymore. And that’s kind of nice. Not having the constant reminder that he was made in a fucking test tube, that there are hundreds of poor assholes out there with his face, it’s nice.

 

So it’s not that he doesn’t want to see Gus. It’s just that seeing Gus makes the cloning thing real.

 

When he first started at NYU, he’d text relatively regularly with Torpedo and Reed, and occasionally Lucas, but less and less as the year progressed. They’re all busy with their lives. The whole clone thing is kind of on the backburner, at least for the time being, and they’re in this weird limbo where they think they’re probably safe but can never be a hundred percent sure, so… they check in, but they’re not as involved in each other’s lives as they were in senior year of high school.

 

Connor used to spend a decent amount of weekends at Torpedo’s playing video games, but he hasn’t done that since he started seeing Vince. After he and Vince hooked up, he’d met up with Torpedo that weekend and talked his ear off about him. Torpedo had listened for a while then finally said, flat out, that Vince sounded like an asshole.

 

Connor didn’t fucking appreciate that. At all.

 

So he still texts Torpedo every now and then, and Torpedo answers his texts, but there’s that whole thing hanging over them that Torpedo thinks his boyfriend is an asshole. Connor thinks it’s totally unfair - Torpedo hasn’t met him, and can never meet him to form a real opinion, so he’s just being a dick, and it’s not fair on anyone. Basically, Torpedo and his opinions can go fuck himself.

 

He texted Torpedo just as he was leaving for the summer to make sure he knew and they didn’t have a repeat of last year, and Torpedo sent him through a program for his phone that would scramble the location services so no one could track it. Connor doesn’t understand it, but Torpedo assures him he’ll be safe to have his phone on him this summer.

 

Which is probably good. It’s not like there’s a fuckload to do in Wisconsin, and from memory, there’s not a lot at the local library, so the chances are he’s going to be bored out of his mind in like a week.

 

Maybe he should have just stayed in New York.

 

The idea of just staying in New York doesn’t sit right, though. He feels like he _should_ be with Gus and Seamus. Like it’s coming home, except it’s not home, because Connor hasn’t had a home in a very long time, and the concept of home is just empty nostalgia anyway because nothing matters and nostalgia is pointless when the past can’t be changed and all that matters is the moment.

 

The ride back to the house is long and without much conversation. Seamus puts on some music after about ten minutes of silence, and Connor’s a little surprised that it’s Queen.

 

He always kind of liked Queen.

 

Freddie Mercury was kind of a badass.

 

Vince doesn’t like Queen, for some reason. He’s not really into “popular” music, he says. There’s this chick in his philosophy class, Clarissa, who’s the lead singer in a band that plays locally and is pretty good. Vince is always talking about Clarissa and her songwriting and her voice and how she writes songs that fucking mean something, rather than the bullshit you hear on the radio, and…

 

Connor feels like an idiot for it and he’d never admit it, but as nice as Clarissa is, he doesn’t get her music. Like, at all. He’s not even sure if it is music. There’s screaming and weird noises and every now and then she does this kind of growl thing that he thinks is supposed to be sexy, but he’s too gay for that nonsense.

 

He still tells everyone he’s bi, though.

 

Because Ben Childs is bisexual.

 

Correction: Ben Childs was bisexual.

 

Because he’s still technically Ben, Connor kind of… weirdly fakes interest in girls sometimes, or at least appreciation. Clarissa actually asked him out once, and he turned her down gently, then turned around and started dating Vince, which she seems okay with.

 

Connor guesses that Vince is bisexual, or pansexual, or something, but he just says he doesn’t like labels and that it’s all about who he clicks with on an intellectual level. It doesn’t really bother him when Vince blatantly checks out other people in front of him. The fact that is doesn’t bother him weirds him out, though.

 

Connor thinks he’s probably just kind of broken.

 

Connor wouldn’t be surprised if Vince and Clarissa start fucking this summer.

 

Everything is meaningless.

 

Or something.

 

As the car pulls into the driveway, the red front door swings open and out runs a very excited looking Pampushka, who’s even bigger now than she was at Christmas. Connor can’t help but smile. Even if everything is meaningless, you can’t help but smile at a cute dog.

 

Gus is right behind her, and he’s smiling, and Connor’s barely out of the car when Gus is grabbing him into a tight hug.

 

“You are here!” Gus exclaims, his voice excited. “It is so good to see you, Connor!”

 

“It’s good to see you too, Gus,” Connor replies, a little overwhelmed at the tight hug.

 

Hugging is… weird.

 

Seamus hugged him and now Gus is hugging him and they were both genuinely the last people to hug him because Vince doesn’t even like spooning and none of his non-clone friends are huggers and he hasn’t seen Torpedo in ages and…

 

It’s weird.

 

Gus lets go, looks at Connor a little strangely, but then smiles. “You have good flight, yes?”

 

“I did,” Connor agrees, going to the backseat to grab his bag, only to find Seamus has already taken it.

 

Gus takes his arm and guides him into the house, chatting animatedly about the dog grooming course he’s going to do once he passes his GED. Connor’s kind of overwhelmed and not quite catching what Gus is saying - his accent is still kind of thick and he’s talking faster these days, and even though there are more words in his vocabulary how he’s almost harder to understand.

 

“Can you slow down a little?” Connor blurts out in the middle of Gus saying something about history. “You’re talking too fast and I don’t understand you.”

 

Gus lets go of his arm like it’s burned him and his cheeks go pink. “I am sorry,” he says awkwardly. “I will try to be more slow. I am knowing more words now, so sometimes I am fast.”

 

“It’s fine,” Connor says, a kind of niggling feeling in his stomach. “It’s just… a lot. Slow down.”

 

“Okay,” Gus says, slowly and a little hesitantly.

 

“What were you saying about history?” Connor asks, that niggling feeling increasing.

 

Gus’s cheeks go even pinker. “It does not matter,” he says awkwardly. “You are hungry after flight, yes? I make grilled cheese.”

 

“That sounds good,” Connor says. Pampushka follows Gus into the kitchen and Connor could swear that the dog was giving him a dirty look. He shrugs it off, then sits down at the kitchen island and pulls out his notebook as Gus quietly gets the ingredients together and starts cooking.

 

Connor takes a pen from out of his bag and starts idly doodling. His notebook is kind of his lifeline these days. He writes down his own ideas. He writes out poems by other people that he likes. Quotes he likes. Things he thinks are interesting.

 

His own poems.

 

Gus’s eyes light up when he spots Connor and his notebook. “You are drawing?” he asks, his voice interested. “I have book for drawing also.”

 

“Writing, mostly,” says Connor, a little awkwardly. “I like poems.”

 

“Poems!” Gus exclaims. “Very good! I am studying poems also. If you are liking poems, maybe I can ask you questions on things I am not understanding. Is this okay?”

 

Connor shrugs. “Sure. Poetry is kind of subjective, though.”

 

Gus kind of tilts his head. “All poetry has subject, yes? Subject is what poem is about.”

 

Connor shakes his head. “That’s not what subjective means. Subject and subjective are two different things.”

 

Gus’s eyes widen a little. “Oh. I am not remembering this. What is the difference?”

 

Connor sighs. “Doesn’t matter.”

 

Gus frowns. “I am wanting to know this.”

 

Connor clenches his jaw. “How’s the grilled cheese?” he asks, trying not to let his annoyance show.

 

“It will be good,” Gus says, frowning even more. “Connor, what is subjective if it is not subject? I am not understanding.”

 

“Just look it up, okay?” Connor snaps. “I’m not a fucking dictionary, oh my god.”

 

Gus blinks, then puts a sandwich on a plate and hands it to Connor. “I am not hungry,” he says curtly. “You can eat this.”

 

With that, Gus leaves the room, and Connor sighs. He’s not fucking here to teach English, he’s here for a vacation or something like that.

 

He takes a bite out of his sandwich and flicks through his notebook again. There’s this Latvian poet named Sigitas Parulskis that he’s kind of into at the moment. Connor rereads the poem he’s got written out in his notebook again.

 

_I am only a shadow, sitting by the gates of Hades beside that arrogant Ulysses_

_telling stories of my grievances to my father’s indifferent ghost_

_who, from time to time, gusts an ash wind at me_

_and whispers_

_son, for the nonsense you talk pour me even a drop of life_

_this shit hole of eternity_

_suffocates terribly._

 

Connor kind of snorts. ‘This shit hole of eternity’ indeed.

 

It’s going to be a long fucking summer.

 

* * *

 

Connor is different.

 

Gus knows this. He knows that people are different after time, that it has been a year since they spent much time together. Christmas was nice, but it was fast and there was much to do and little time to talk and be together, so even though it was nice, it was not the same.

 

Connor is different now, and Gus does not think he likes it.

 

He understands that people change, that life makes many changes for people and it cannot always be understood, but he does not like that Connor is so different.

 

It is like Connor has a cage around himself, a cage that will keep Gus out, and although Gus knows cages very well, it is not like the ones he is familiar with. Connor rolls his eyes when Gus asks questions, he sits and writes things in his notebook, he reads many books and sits on the porch and smokes cigarettes that smell very, very bad.

 

Gus does not like the smell of cigarettes, but these cigarettes are smelling worse than the others. Gus asks Connor why they are smelling different, and Connor just rolls his eyes and ignores him, so Gus asks his dad. His dad says that they are clove cigarettes, and Gus looks up the word and understands.

 

Gus likes to make apple pie and puts ground cloves in his spices for apple pie, but he does not like the way they smell in a cigarette. It is a waste. Why would you put cloves in a cigarette and make them smell bad when they can smell very good in a pie with some cinnamon? Gus does not understand why anyone would want things to smell bad.

 

He understands what it is like for things to smell bad. He spends much time in places that are not clean when he is small. He spends much time where he is not clean.

 

Gus is familiar with the smell of rot and death and decay and does not like this, so when he has choice, he finds other things to smell.

 

It has been over a year now that he has choices to smell things that are nice.

 

He likes this very much.

 

His dad is patient with him, and understands when things are hard to explain. Gus is explaining that there is so much smell of death in his memory, that sometimes it is nice to have things that smell very strong and very nice so his nose will forget the way death smells. Dad understands, and helps to find things to make the house smell nice.

 

Nice smelling things for cleaning the body. He has found a shampoo that smells like fruit, and a conditioner that smells like cupcakes, and shower gel that smells like another fruit, and he likes this very much. He can even wash his clothes in things to make them smell nice and feel soft, and this makes him feel safe.

 

When he smells nice and his clothes are soft, it is harder to remember the times when all he smelled of was death and his clothes were rough against his skin.

 

His broken skin.

 

Gus has learned that to break his skin, to carve his wings, is not a way to deal with pain. He talks of this with Mathilde, who visits less now but still sees him every few weeks. He finds it hard at first, not to carve the wings into his back, because it is a habit. Mathilde says that the habit is ingrained, and will be hard to break.

 

Ingrained is a new word Gus is learning. It is meaning established, or fixed, and that is meaning that it has been done so much that it is very natural to do and very strange to not do.

 

But Gus prays for strength, and receives it, and does not carve his wings for two whole months now.

 

This is the longest he has gone without this in his life, and he likes that his skin is now smooth. He washes his shoulders and his back, and the skin is smooth and does not show any marks. He washes with a gel that smells like strawberries and feels nice on his skin, and this is very good.

 

He likes that his back is smooth and smells like strawberries, not rough and full of pain.

 

He likes it when things are smelling good.

 

He does not like it when Connor smokes his awful cigarettes. He asks him not to, and Connor rolls his eyes and stubs out the cigarette and goes for a walk to near the edge of the garden and smokes there.

 

Gus does not understand why Connor has a cage around him, why he is so closed off. Gus understands the moments where things are hard and your spirit is crushed and leaves you - he has this, and he has seen Connor have this, and he understands. But this is different. The spirit is there, but it is angry, and tries to keep itself away, and Gus does not like it.

 

Gus does not know what it is he is doing to make Connor different, so he asks his dad.

 

Dad just shakes his head and looks sad and says it is not him. That Connor will not talk to him much either. He will just read and write and smoke his cigarettes.

 

Not always, but some of the time. Sometimes he is in the house, on the couch, and Gus is at the table working on his studies, and Connor seems to have more light. They talk and they make jokes and Pampushka gives Connor kisses and he laughs, and everything is okay and Gus feels like he has his brother.

 

Then he asks a question about his studies and Connor rolls his eyes and Gus does not know what to do, so he does not ask another question, he just focuses and makes a list of things he does not understand. He can ask Dad.

 

Dad is at work now. He has new job, and works security, so much of the time it is just Gus and Connor. Gus was looking forward to this, but now that Connor is different, he is somewhat lonely.

 

He does not like that he is lonely when his brother is by his side.

 

Connor is still sharing a room with him. There is a spare bed in the office now, but when Connor is arriving, he puts his things into Gus’s room like last summer so this is how things are. Sometimes when it is late at night, they will talk, and it will not be long talks but they will be good talks, and Gus will think that maybe the Connor he knows, the Connor who is kind and fierce and helps him with his dark thoughts, has returned to be with him.

 

But in the morning, things are always back to the cage.

 

Gus feels lost and does not know what to do.

 

Things continue like this for a week. They are not completely horrible, but they are… not good. Gus doesn’t like it. Gus doesn’t know what to do.

 

He thinks maybe he should try to be more interested in what it is that Connor is doing, when he is reading and writing. Maybe he should make more effort to connect.

 

“You are writing much, yes?” Gus asks as he pours himself a cup of coffee from the plunger Connor has made (after asking if this is okay and getting a nod from his twin). “Do you write the poems?”

 

Connor blinks and looks a little startled. Then he smiles at Gus. “Yeah. Yeah, I am writing poems.”

 

This feels like a victory. Gus smiles back. “Is it okay that I read the poems?”

 

Connor goes a little pink and looks at his coffee cup. Then he looks back at Gus. “I guess. If you want.”

 

“I must do some study now,” Gus says, trying to keep his voice positive. “But maybe I can read later and we can talk about the poems you are writing. I would like this very much.”

 

Connor looks embarrassed but he nods. “You can, uh, you can take my notebook if you want,” he mumbles, passing it to Gus. “Read what you want. Some are poems that I wrote out that I liked but anything that has BC in the bottom corner is me.”

 

“BC for Ben Childs,” Gus realizes. He looks at Connor and remembers that Connor has the weight of two people on him. Maybe this is why he is so strange now. “This must be difficult. That you are always Ben.”

 

Connor nods but doesn’t look at him. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s kinda weird.” He stands up. “I was, uh, gonna go to the library in town. I can take Pampushka for a walk if you want? I know you haven’t been able to walk her as much because you’ve been busy.”

 

Gus smiles. Maybe Pampushka will help Connor feel better. Break his cage. Pampushka is a very good girl. “This is good idea,” he says with a smile. “Also, if you are in library and do not say much, you can bring her inside. I know you are liking to be in the library for much time, so I think is best for Pampushka if you do not leave her outside. They know me. They know I bring my dog always, so if you bring my library card, no one will argue that she should not be there.”

 

“That’s right,” Connor says, as if remembering. “She’s a certified service dog now. You were saying in your last email the paperwork was all through.”

 

“You are remembering!” Gus is very happy about this. “Very good!”

 

“I can, uh, bring back some donuts if you want,” says Connor. He still does not sound like the Connor that Gus knows so well, but it is closer. It is better.

 

“I would like this very much.”

 

Connor smiles a little, then gets his things together and heads out with Pampushka. He gives Gus his notebook, and Gus thinks to himself that this is a victory.

 

He will go over the algebra (which he thinks is very stupid even though he finds it easy to understand), then maybe the history days, and then he will read Connor’s poetry.

 

Maybe Connor’s poetry will help him understand why is twin is so different now.

 

When it is finally time to read the poems, Gus is…

 

Not really understanding.

 

These are not nice poems.

 

They do not make sense.

 

He does not think he understands, and does not know if this is because his English is still not the best, or that there is something else he does not yet know, but he thinks that it is… just words.

 

Gus would like to be positive, because he sees this is important to Connor, but he is…

 

Not understanding.

 

There is one that is titled ‘Vince’ and it is… very strange.

 

_give the worms their dinner, love_

_return to the earth_

_you’ll feed the flowers_

_long enough for them to die_

_like everything does, darling_

 

It speaks of love and death and Gus is knowing that love and death are very different. That love is with life, not with death. He worries. He worries that Connor is thinking so much of death, and worms eating bodies and flowers that die and this is…

 

Well, it is stupid.

 

And he does not know what Vince is.

 

He does not think that there is love in death. Not real love. He remembers thinking that death could be beautiful, but he thinks this is now not true. Not the way he has seen death.

 

The death he has seen is dark and cold and… it is an end.

 

Love must be a beginning.

 

Not an end.

 

He is not knowing how to explain this to Connor, but he is thinking that if he says ‘your poems are good’, he is being a liar.

 

Gus does not like to be a liar.

 

Connor comes back with a box of donuts and a bag full of books. Pampushka bounds in and heads straight to Gus, and Gus pets her happily, even though he is a little distracted by what to say to his twin. Connor puts the box of donuts down on the kitchen bench. “Do you want coffee?” he asks, already taking the bag of coffee from the cupboard. “When I’m studying I drink a fuckton of the stuff, so I kinda figured you might, too.”

 

“Yes please,” Gus says, picking up Connor’s notebook and heading toward him. As Connor makes the coffee, Gus sits down at the bench and puts the notebook down. Connor looks at the book, then at Gus. His expression is very neutral.

 

Gus does not know what he is thinking.

 

“So you read some of my poems,” Connor says finally as he puts hot water into the coffee plunger. “What did you think?”

 

“I think… maybe poetry is not for me,” Gus admits, feeling a rock in his stomach.

 

Connor just stares at him for a long moment, then goes back to the coffee. His face goes red, and Gus thinks he is embarrassed. “Okay,” he mutters. “You take cream and sugar, right?”

 

“I am not really understanding,” Gus tries to explain. “I read the poem called Vince and I… do not understand.”

 

Connor kind of rolls his eyes. Gus does not like it when he does this. “It’s about mortality,” he says, his voice cruel. “You’re still trying to figure out how to do, like, fucking algebra and history, of course you won’t get poetry.”

 

Gus frowns. “What is mortality?”

 

Connor laughs. It is not a kind laugh. “Exactly my point. You don’t fucking know.”

 

“I am not knowing this word,” Gus says, feeling himself get more than a little annoyed. “I will get my dictionary.”

 

He pulls out his electronic dictionary from his pocket. It is a gift from Dad for Christmas and is very good. Very useful. He can put in the word in English and it will tell him what the word is in Ukrainian. Dad says that is old, but it is still useful. That sometimes there are phones that can do this with internet, but that he does not think it is safe for Gus to have phone at the moment. Because of tracking.

 

Connor says Dad is paranoid but Gus is pleased he cares to keep him safe.

 

Gus does not know how to spell this word, mortality. He thinks he knows the word ‘mortal’, though - it is meaning human who is able to die. He knows that immortal is for gods and sometimes also superheroes in stories, which are fun. There are suggestions on his dictionary, and he thinks he has found how to spell ‘mortality’.

 

He is not sure but he will not ask Connor because he is being cruel now.

 

Gus sees the translation and feels the sting of anger.

 

“I am knowing about mortality, Connor,” he says, trying to keep his voice even. “I am knowing more than you, I think. I have seen death. Much death. I have seen life end and it is not beautiful. It is not good. Death does not love, it is opposite. Your poem is very stupid.”

 

Connor scowls. His face is dark and he is obviously angry.

 

Gus is angry, too. He does not like to be treated like _he_ is stupid.

 

He knows mortality.

 

He thinks that Connor thinks he is very clever with his college and his poetry.

 

“Obviously you’re not going to understand poetry,” Connor says stubbornly. “You barely speak fucking English.”

 

Gus takes in a sharp breath.

 

This is very cruel.

 

Gus does not like this at all.

 

“I am learning,” he snaps. “I am learning the English, but you are doing the study also in the English. Your college, is all English, yes? You study the language you already speak. How is this hard?”

 

“It’s completely different,” Connor snaps back. “It’s not about the actual language, it’s about creativity and comprehension and understanding form and emotion and-”

 

“I would like to see you learn history and algebra in a language you do not speak,” Gus interrupts. “You would find it very hard.”

 

“That’s not the fucking point-”

 

“It is very much the point,” Gus says. He is almost yelling now. “I am working hard and you are being cruel. You are thinking you are so smart-”

 

“I work hard, too,” Connor replies. He is definitely yelling. His face is red and he looks furious. “I got straight fucking A’s all year.”

 

“While you study in your own language,” Gus points out. He is not feeling kind. “I am not stupid, Connor. I am learning a new language. I have never had the chance to do the school.”

 

Connor laughs. It is a harsh sound. “You don’t ‘do the school’, Gus. That makes no fucking sense. Half of what you say makes no fucking sense at all.”

 

Gus wants to say something very, very hurtful, but he cannot think of the words in English, so he just frowns. “I am going for a walk with Pampushka,” Gus announces, gesturing to his dog. “You are cruel and I do not like this.”

 

“Fine,” Connor snaps. “Fuck off, then.”

 

 _“Fuck you,”_ says Gus in his native language, then heads out the door with Pampushka, who seems happy to be going for another walk. He walks up to the nearby woods and starts to run with his dog, hoping he will wear himself out and cool off some.

 

Hoping that when he is returning, Connor will say that he is sorry.

 

Because Connor is being very cruel.

 

Gus is not stupid.

 

It is not right for Connor to treat him like this.

 

Gus will not let him do this.

 

But he will go to cool down and run with his dog to deal with his anger. He does not like to fight.

 

* * *

 

Seamus isn’t blind to the fact that Connor’s been off since he arrived, but he’d hoped things would sort themselves out as Connor got used to being back in a family environment. After all, he’d been at school for a full year, more or less by himself, and coming back had to be a bit of an adjustment. But Seamus had been willing to be patient, and give Connor and Gus the space they need to sort things out. To get back on track.

 

He knows that Gus is struggling with Connor’s attitude, and he’s struggling as well, but he’d honestly thought that a bit of time to get settled would get his son back to normal. And it’s not like Seamus is particularly strict or anything. The twins are both 19. He doesn’t mind if they have a drink at the house. He doesn’t mind if Connor’s smoking outside (even though Gus hates the smell). Hell, if Connor had managed to successfully smuggle Reed’s mom’s pot brownies in his suitcase, Seamus probably wouldn’t have even cared if he and Gus had gotten high together.

 

But them not talking? Not comfortable around each other?

 

It doesn’t feel right. The whole place feels off kilter.

 

He gets home from work to find Connor sitting on the front porch, drinking coffee and smoking, and no sign of Gus and Pampushka. Seamus tamps down the initial panic and turns to Connor.

 

“Where’s Gus?” he asks.

 

Connor shrugs. “Took Pampushka for a walk.”

 

Seamus frowns. “Everything okay?”

 

Connor scowls. “Whatever.”

 

“That’s not an answer, son.”

 

“I’m not your son,” Connor snaps. “Not really.”

 

Of all the things Connor could have said, that wasn’t what Seamus was expecting. Not out of nowhere like that. “What happened?” he asks, instead of yelling.

 

“Ask your _actual_ son,” Connor says, flicking the cigarette butt off the porch. “When he’s back from walking his dog. I’m going to have a shower.”

 

He storms back into the house, leaving Seamus absolutely stunned.

 

He sits on the edge of the porch and waits for Gus to get back in the hope of getting his head around what the hell just happened.

 

It doesn’t take long. Gus and Pampushka return barely five minutes later. Seamus can see Gus’s face is red and he’s covered in sweat. He’s tied up his hair. He’s definitely been out running. 

 

Gus only really goes running when he’s upset about something. Seamus knows this. It was one of the suggestions that Mathilde had made, a way he could exhaust himself and push through overwhelming emotions.

 

Something he could do that wasn’t going to hurt him when he felt like hurting himself.

 

Seamus’s heart clenches painfully.

 

“What’s wrong?” Seamus asks, standing up to greet him.

 

Gus scowls. “Connor is… he is being cruel.”

 

Seamus’s heart sinks. He’s not surprised. He’s hurt, but he’s not surprised. He should have realized that eventually, Connor was going to lash out.

 

“He’s not been himself since he got here,” Seamus says quietly.

 

Gus laughs harshly. “I am not sure of this. Maybe this is what he is like, and other times are just… fake.”

 

“Gus…”

 

Gus crosses his arms tightly. “He is very good at being cruel.” He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. “I am not smelling good. I will go have shower.”

 

“I think Connor’s having a shower now,” Seamus says, a little reluctantly.

 

Gus barks out another harsh laugh. “Of course. And he will use all the hot water. Because he is мудак.”

 

Seamus frowns. “He’s what?”

 

Gus scowls. “He is asshole. I am very unhappy with him.”

 

“What did he say?” Seamus asks gently.

 

Gus doesn’t look at him. Instead, he looks at his watch. “There is time before dinner, yes? I would cook, but I will not do this while not smelling good. Instead I think I run some more. Without Pampushka, though. She is tired.”

 

“I’d rather you took her with you,” Seamus says, looking at the dog who still seems to have plenty of energy. “For your safety.”

 

Gus rolls his eyes. “I am not baby. I do not need protection.” He looks straight at Seamus. “You forget, I can kill if I need to. I can defend myself. And you. And anyone else who I am caring for.” His face darkens. “I understand mortality.”

 

It’s a weird word choice, and Seamus feels like there’s something his son isn’t saying. But he doesn’t feel like arguing is going to help. “Okay,” he says instead, nodding a little. “Just… be careful. I can order pizza if you’d like.”

 

“Make sure there are mushrooms,” Gus says, leaning down to tighten his shoelaces.

 

“Connor hates mushrooms.”

 

Gus smiles. Kind of. It’s more like baring his teeth. “Make sure there are much mushrooms.”

 

* * *

 

Connor gets out of the shower, then chain-smokes a packet of regular cigarettes on the back porch. He’s only got a few packets of cloves left, so he’ll save them for when he really wants to annoy the fuck out of his twin.

 

Who’s being a total asshole.

 

Who doesn’t get poetry. Or art. Or anything like that.

 

He’s too hung up on trying to learn the basics to get anywhere. To think anything really deep.

 

Connor thinks about what Vince said about an intellectual connection.

 

Vince wouldn’t like Gus.

 

That thought kind of makes him happy, for some reason.

 

The thought that someone would like him over Gus.

 

He’s been places in this town with Gus and everyone fucking adores the guy. On his way to the library with Pampushka, he was approached by like four different people who thought he was Gus and they were all disappointed to realize it was Gus’s twin.

 

This is Gus’s town, Gus’s place, Gus’s house…

 

Gus’s dad.

 

Of course if Gus and Connor are fighting, Seamus is going to side with Gus.

 

He’s not Connor’s dad. Connor’s dad hated him.

 

Why would his other dad be any different?

 

It’d probably be easier if he wasn’t such a sensitive piece of shit, but…

 

He’d been holding himself at a distance all summer, and then Gus wanted to read his poetry and said it was stupid and Connor was just…

 

What the fuck would Gus know about poetry, anyway?

 

Vince liked the poem Connor wrote for him.

 

He’d liked that it was about death.

 

Connor doesn’t think Vince has ever seen anyone die. He wonders if Vince would like death quite so much if he’d actually seen it.

 

Connor wrote a poem about watching someone with his face die and Vince had thought it was, like, super deep and some kind of metaphor about self and death of the author or… something (Connor doesn’t think Vince actually knows what the fuck he’s talking about, but he’s hot so whatever).

 

How’s Connor supposed to explain that it’s, like… literally literal.

 

He literally saw two people with his face die in front of him.

 

One of them killed by Gus.

 

Gus tried to kill him.

 

It’s still… it’s still weird.

 

Connor trusts Gus implicitly not to hurt him. He shares a bedroom with him, for fuck’s sake. If Gus wanted him dead, he’d be dead already.

 

Gus has been through so much.

 

There are things about Gus Connor will never understand, but he thinks there are things about him that Gus can’t understand, either, and that’s…

 

Well, he doesn’t know if he likes it.

 

Or maybe he does.

 

Maybe it’s just proof that he’s him, not just a copy of Ben Childs, not just Gus’s weird twin who shows up twice a year and follows him around like a dark shadow.

 

Seamus calls him in for dinner and Connor eats pizza in silence. There’s a half of the pizza without mushrooms, and Gus takes three of the four slices, which Connor knows he’s doing just to piss him off, because Gus loves mushrooms and Connor hates them. Connor retaliates by looking Gus in the eye and then eating a piece of mushroom pizza out of spite.

 

He doesn’t let the fact that he fucking hates mushrooms show on his face.

 

Fuck you, Gus.

 

Instead of watching a movie like they usually do, Connor grabs his library books and heads into Gus’s room and reads for a few hours, trying to get lost in a fictional universe but instead just going round and round in his head about how Gus doesn’t like his poems, how Gus doesn’t fucking get poetry, how he and Gus are too different, how everything was easier last summer, how this is Gus’s town and Gus’s house and Gus’s room and Gus’s bed and…

 

He dozes off as it starts to get dark and only wakes up when Gus turns on the light. Connor scowls and glares at his twin.

 

“Dickhead,” he says.

 

“мудак,” Gus replies.

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “That’s not even a fucking word.”

 

“Not in English,” says Gus, his voice terse. “I am speaking two languages. This is not a thing you can do.”

 

“Shut the fuck up about languages,” Connor snaps. “I get it, you’re fancy and bilingual. It’s not like English is hard.”

 

Gus stares at him. “This is joke? English is very difficult language. Many rules, all of them changing. It is very stupid language. You are lucky it is your mother tongue. To learn English is one of the most hard.” He crosses his arms. “You think you are so clever with college, but there is much you do not understand.”

 

“Well at least I got into college and I’m not fucking around with high school shit at nineteen,” Connor says, feeling his temper flare.

 

Gus is clearly getting just as angry. “You are having opportunities I am not. You are lucky. Not smarter than me. Just lucky. You could have been in very different situation.”

 

Connor’s seeing red. He’s literally seeing red. Fuck this. Fuck Gus. “Yeah, I could have spent my teen years fucking _murdering my clones_ like you did.”

 

The minute the words are out of his mouth, he regrets them.

 

Gus recoils as if he’s been shot.

 

Connor remembers that he’s watched Gus get shot before.

 

He tries to figure out something to say, to take it back, but he’s not quick enough.

 

“You are telling me you have a sister,” Gus says, his voice low and dangerous. “That you have a sister, and you are feeling bad that you did not treat her well. I am agreeing with you now. You are not good brother. She is lucky you are not there to hurt her now.”

 

Connor’s heart stops.

 

He’s sure it stops.

 

“Don’t fucking talk about my sister,” Connor snaps.

 

“Your sister should be thankful she is thinking you are dead,” Gus continues.

 

“What the fuck do you know about being someone’s brother?” Connor yells. “You killed a bunch of people with our face! You nearly killed me!”

 

“Fuck you.” It’s so completely out of character that Connor almost laughs.

 

“Fuck you!”

 

“ENOUGH.”

 

Seamus is in the doorway, his face pale. He’s clearly listened to the end of their conversation and he looks deeply, deeply sad. He turns to Connor. “I’ll set up the futon in the office for you,” he says quietly. “I think you both need to get some sleep and some space away from each other.”

 

“I’ll do you one better,” Connor snaps. “I’ll go back to New York. I don’t want to fucking be here.”

 

 _“_ Йти вперед, бігти _,”_ Gus says with a roll of his eyes.

 

Connor has no fucking clue what he just said. “Talk fucking English for a fucking change.”

 

“Enough!” Seamus says again. He picks up Connor’s bag, which is miraculously still kind of packed and escorts Connor into the office room.

 

Connor doesn’t look at Gus as he leaves, and he doesn’t look at Seamus as he sets up the futon, and Seamus doesn’t say anything, he just gives Connor a pillow and a blanket and Connor lies down on the futon and doesn’t sleep for hours.

 

* * *

 

Gus does not sleep that night.

 

He is very angry.

 

He is full of regret that he is saying things to Connor designed to hurt, but he is full of anger that Connor is doing the same thing.

 

He does not like to be made to feel stupid.

 

He does not like this at all.

 

Connor has been rude and cruel and unkind.

 

And he should apologize first.

 

Until this, Gus will not speak to him.

 

Not in English, at least.

 

He gets up early and makes some pancakes. He puts blueberries in them, which is what he likes best. He makes a plate and eats them, and makes some for Seamus as he wakes and prepares for the work.

 

“Are you okay?” Seamus asks. He is pale and looks very tired.

 

Gus is feeling bad that Seamus is upset. “I am fine,” Gus replies. “Pancakes for you and me. Not for Connor.”

 

Seamus sighs. “I know that Connor said some awful things, but you did too. I think you both need to calm down and apologize.”

 

“He is treating me like I am stupid,” Gus says, his voice determined. “I am not liking this. I will not allow this to continue. Until he is apologizing, I will only speak to him in my language. He is only speaking to me in his language, after all. Is only fair.”

 

Seamus frowns. “You’re… only going to speak to Connor in Ukrainian until he apologizes?”

 

Gus nods.

 

Seamus pulls out the coffee plunger. “Well, this should be interesting.”

 

As Seamus and Gus eat their pancakes, Connor comes into the room. Pampushka ignores him, which Gus appreciates. She is a very good girl. Connor looks at their pancakes, then goes to the cupboard and gets some cereal. He goes to the fridge and uses the last of the milk. Gus does not look at him but is annoyed. He is wanting milk for his coffee later. Мудак.

 

“Good morning, Connor,” says Seamus, his voice a little wary.

 

“Доброго ранку,” says Gus. _Good morning._

 

Connor kind of starts, then looks at Gus and rolls his eyes. “Real mature.”

 

“Ви говорите на своїй мові, я говорю в моєму.” _You speak in your own language, I speak in mine._

 

Seamus sighs. Connor stares at Gus, then sits down on the bench and eats his cereal in silence.

 

Seamus goes to work, and Gus settles in at the kitchen table to do his study, not speaking to Connor. Connor sits down on the sofa, looking like he is reading, but Gus can tell this is not what he is doing.

 

Gus is pleased, a little bit.

 

Connor is annoyed that he is not speaking English. This pleases him.

 

“Okay, how long are you going to keep up the silent treatment?” Connor snaps after about half an hour. “Or this whole Ukrainian only bullshit. I get it. I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have said the thing about the clones. But you shouldn’t have fucking said anything about my sister, dickhead.”

 

“поки ви не вибачається,” says Gus matter-of-factly. _Until you apologize._

 

“You’re being a fucking dick.”

 

“Тепер ти знаєш, як відчуваєш, що не розумієш. Це не весело?” _Now you know how you feel that you do not understand. Is it not fun?_

 

“For fuck’s sake, will you just stop it?”

 

“Я відповідаю на ваші запитання. Це не моя провина, ви не розмовляєте українською.” _I answer your questions. This is not my fault, you do not speak Ukrainian._

 

“Goddammit, Gus!”

 

Connor’s face is almost completely red in anger. Gus smiles.

 

“хто дурний зараз?” _Who’s stupid now?_

 

“Fuck. You.”

 

“ебать тебе.” _Fuck you._

 

Connor storms out of the room and Gus goes back to his English studies.

 

One of the tests is on poetry.

 

He hates this. He hates that he cannot talk to Connor on this. He hates that he is arguing, he hates that they are not speaking, but he will not be treated like he is nothing.

 

The time for that is passed. Connor must learn.

 

* * *

 

It’s been three weeks since Gus has spoken a word of English to Connor, and Connor’s gotten to the stage where he doesn’t even try to talk to Gus anymore. He just… sits around outside, smoking and reading and muttering to himself every now and then.

 

Gus still talks to Seamus in English, but whenever Connor’s around, it’s straight back to Ukrainian. Which is… frustrating, to say the least, but Seamus kind of admires Gus’s commitment in some ways.

 

He’s talked to Gus about it multiple times but Gus insists that he won’t talk to Connor until Connor’s apologized for making him feel like an idiot. And… well…

 

Gus has been beaten down and told he was nothing for most of his life. The fact that he’s standing up for himself like this is a testament to the fact that he’s come a long way. That he’s healing. That he’s got self-respect, that he’s got confidence in himself.

 

So Seamus’s heart is a little torn.

 

On one hand, it’s a little heartbreaking to see the twins at odds like this.

 

On the other hand… well, Seamus can’t help but think that Connor kind of had this coming. Connor’s been...

 

Well, he’s been a dick since he arrived, and Seamus isn’t sure why, but he’s kind of glad Gus isn’t letting it slide.

 

He just wants them to both realize that they’re wasting their summer.

 

They’re wasting their precious time together, and they’re not going to be able to get it back if something doesn’t change soon.

 

Seamus finds Connor outside on the patio, fuming in more ways than one. He’s clearly pissed off and he’s chain-smoking his way through a packet of clove cigarettes. Seamus doesn’t actually agree with Gus about the cigarettes - he smoked his fair share of clove cigarettes as a teenager and kind of enjoyed them. Seamus is, however, aware that they’re illegal, and wonders if he should say something, but decides it’s just not worth it in Connor’s current state.

 

Instead, he sits next to Connor, picks up the packet from next to Connor, takes out a cigarette for himself and lights up. Connor looks at him, his expression unreadable.

 

It’s so, so strange to see an unreadable expression on that face. Seamus has gotten used to Gus. Gus wears his heart on his sleeve and is incredibly sensitive, even after everything he’s gone through, but Connor’s… harsher, somehow.

 

Despite the fact that Gus has literally killed people, Connor’s the one who is harsher.

 

“Didn’t know you smoked,” Connor says after a few moments.

 

Seamus shrugs. “Been awhile, but I still do have my vices.” He looks over at Connor. “You doing okay, son?”

 

Connor scowls. “Like you care.”

 

Seamus’s heart sinks to his stomach but he can also feel himself getting pissed off. Idly, he wonders what emotion is going to win the day - sadness or anger.

 

Knowing Connor, probably both.

 

“Ouch,” he says instead.

 

Connor kind of snorts a little. “You’ve already got a son, you don’t need me here. What the fuck am I even still doing here, Seamus? Gus hates me. You hate me. Why won’t you just drive me to the fucking airport and go back to your perfect life with your perfect son?”

 

“I’m not driving you to the fucking airport until you’ve had a chance to make things right with your brother,” Seamus says, trying to keep his voice even. “And don’t try to spin some bullshit about my life being perfect. Or about Gus being perfect. Life hasn’t been easy for any of us, and you know it.”

 

“Yeah, well, life isn’t easy, and hell is other people.”

 

Seamus knows it’s not helpful, but he kind of wants to punch Connor hard enough that whoever introduced him to Sartre gets dizzy.

 

“Did you know that Sartre said that quote doesn’t mean what you think it does?” Seamus says, suddenly remembering a conversation with Anthea from oh so long ago.

 

Connor kind of starts and looks at him. He raises an eyebrow challenging. “Alright then,” Connor says, his tone bitter. “Enlighten me on French philosophy.”

 

Seamus once again resists the urge to punch his punk kid. “Anthea liked Sartre as well,” he says instead.

 

Connor’s face goes pale. He stares for a moment, then takes another drag of his cigarette. “You never talk about her,” he says quietly, almost muttering.

 

“Apparently Sartre himself said that people thought he meant that dealing with other people was hell because everyone’s a piece of shit, but what he meant was something else,” says Seamus, thinking back to that conversation.

 

He remembers it well.

 

Anthea, eight months pregnant and ranting about French philosophy, wild curls flying as she passionately opined people’s misinterpretation of one of the most famous things that Sartre himself never actually said. It was a line in a play.

 

Seamus thinks that might have been the moment he fell in love with her.

 

Now he’s here, trying to explain it to the son she never lived to see grow up and be a total douchebag about poetry and philosophy.

 

“Sartre meant that if you fuck things up with people, then it’s going to be hell - because when we try to know ourselves, we take other people’s opinions into consideration. He thinks that you can’t really know yourself in isolation. So if you’ve fucked someone up with someone, then… that’s hell. It doesn’t mean that people themselves are hell, it just makes it clear that other people are important. That they matter.”

 

Connor’s quiet for a long moment. He stubs out his cigarette and doesn’t look at Seamus.

 

“I didn’t mean to make Gus feel like he didn’t matter,” he mumbles. “I… I just don’t know how to make it right.”

 

“You could start by apologizing,” says Seamus frankly.

 

Connor snorts. “Right. Every time my parents made me apologize to Zoe, she just… rolled her eyes and didn’t believe me.” He rolls his own eyes. “Genuinely apologizing isn’t the way the Murphys do things.”

 

“Good thing you’re also a Sadler then, isn’t it?” Seamus points out.

 

Connor’s lips curl into a smile. The tiniest, tiniest smile, but a smile nonetheless.

 

Seamus is calling that a victory.

 

The smile falls a moment later though and Connor sighs. “Gus isn’t going to listen to me, even if I do apologize,” he says, his tone dark. “His whole ‘not speaking English’ thing is a pain in the ass. He’s being childish.”

 

“To be fair,” says Seamus, a little carefully, “Gus never really got a chance to be a child.”

 

A look of utter anguish crosses Connor’s face for the briefest of moments before his expression smooths over and it’s back to that unreadable, maddeningly blank look that Seamus doesn’t know what to do with.

 

“I don’t know what to do,” Connor says, his voice small.

 

Then his face crumbles.

 

Seamus puts his arm around his shoulder. Connor takes in a shuddering breath, then leans into Seamus and starts crying quietly. “I’m such a fuck up,” he says, his voice shaky with tears. “I’ve fucked it up. I’ve fucked everything up.”

 

“You haven’t fucked everything up, son,” Seamus says, pulling Connor closer to him. They’re properly hugging now and Connor’s properly crying and Seamus strokes his hair a bit and just… lets him let it all out.

 

“I don’t…” Connor begins, then sobs a bit more. Finally, he pulls away, rubs his face and looks at his shoes. “I’m sorry I said that I wasn’t your son. I get it if you don’t want me to be anymore.”

 

“Connor,” Seamus says firmly. “You being my son isn’t a choice. It’s a fact. There’s nothing that’s going to change that.” He sighs. “I know that I’ve put Gus ahead of you, and that must be hard-”

 

“You did what you had to do,” Connor interrupts. “I get that. I’m just… I was a dick about it, and coming back here was weird, and college was…” Connor sniffs, wipes his face again, then looks at his shoes again. “Like, it was all normal, you know? No weird clone shit, no life or death situations, I didn’t have to deal with people screaming at me all the time like before I… well… died… and coming back here is just like… it’s weird, and I don’t know what to do, and I don’t feel like I should have this, you know? Like, I didn’t earn it. Gus worked really hard to get better and he deserves a dad like you but… I didn’t earn it.”

 

“You don’t earn family,” Seamus reminds him gently. “That’s not how it works. It’s… I get that it’s been a bit weird.” He takes in a deep breath and lets it out evenly. “Do you want to talk to Mathilde sometime this week? No pressure, but it might help.”

 

Connor nods. “Yeah. I think I do, Dad.” Seamus feels his eyes well up with tears and Connor looks at him in alarm. “Shit, I’m sorry,” says Connor, his eyes wide.

 

“It’s fine,” Seamus assures him, smiling and wiping his face. “I’m glad you’re comfortable enough to call me Dad, Connor.”

 

Connor goes pink but he’s kind of smiling. Seamus picks up the packet of clove cigarettes and offers one to Connor, who takes it.

 

The two of them smoke the rest of the packet outside on the porch under the stars in companionable silence.

 

* * *

 

Connor’s nervous.

 

He hasn’t been nervous in a while. It’s a kind of unfamiliar feeling.

 

He knows he’s fucked shit up. He’s fucked shit up in a big way and he’s said things he shouldn’t have and Gus has every right to never forgive him, but…

 

He’s got to do something. He can’t spend the rest of the summer not talking to Gus.

 

Now that he’s realized just how much he’s fucked up he’s just…

 

He misses Gus so much and he’s sitting on the fucking sofa.

 

He’s sitting on the sofa but he couldn’t be further away.

 

Connor sits down on the sofa next to Gus, who doesn’t react at all. Connor takes a deep breath. Then he picks up the remote, pauses the movie Gus is currently watching and looks at him.

 

Gus kind of raises an eyebrow challengingly and says something in Ukrainian.

 

Connor takes another deep breath.

 

“вибачте,” he says, trying to get as close to the sounds the words are supposed to make when he looked them up on Google an hour ago. “Я був неправві. Я тебе люблю.”

 

Gus just stares at him for a long moment and Connor’s heart plummets.

 

He did it wrong. He said it wrong. He mucked up the pronunciation and said something completely stupid and wrong.

 

He’d spent an hour practicing because he really, really wanted to get it right.

 

_I’m sorry. I was wrong. I love you._

 

“I was a total douchebag,” Connor blurts out in a rush, “and I’m so sorry. I said some horrible things and I’m so, so sorry. And I’m sorry that I made you feel like I didn’t care, or that you were stupid. You’re not stupid. You’re really not stupid. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to always have to speak a whole other language, and Ukrainian is really fucking hard and I looked it up and what I was trying to say was-”

 

“You did good,” Gus interrupts, his voice thick with emotion.

 

It takes a moment for Connor to realize that Gus is crying.

 

“I’m so sorry, Gus,” says Connor, and he might be crying, too. “вибачте.”

 

“Я тебе люблю,” says Gus, and it sounds so different when Gus says it, but Connor recognizes the words he stumbled over earlier. “I love you much, Connor. Thank you for apology.” Connor blinks away tears and is about to leave the room, embarrassed, when Gus pulls him into a tight hug. “We will work on your pronouncing,” says Gus into Connor’s shoulder. “But it is meaning much to me that you try.”

 

“Ukrainian is really fucking difficult,” Connor says again, trying to will himself not to burst into tears, because he’s supposed to be apologizing and then leaving and Gus isn’t supposed to forgive him and isn’t supposed to be hugging him and…

 

This isn’t how it goes.

 

This isn’t how this is supposed to go.

 

He tries to pull away but Gus hangs on tight and doesn’t let him.

 

“I have missed you very much,” says Gus, his voice still full of tears. “I do not like it when we fight.”

 

“I don’t like it either,” Connor admits in a rush. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

 

“We can learn,” Gus says, pulling back a little. He smiles, then wipes his face. Then his smile drops. “Connor, I must ask this. You are very cruel to me, and I do not like this at all. But I have had time to think, and I believe there is dark cloud over you when you arrive this summer. It is… not excuse. It does not make it right, what you are saying to me. You are saying sorry, and that you are wrong, and this is… this is good that you are knowing this, but I must ask - is all okay? In the New York? You are cruel, there is dark cloud, your cigarettes are smelling very bad… is all okay?”

 

“I don’t know,” Connor confesses. “I just… I don’t know. I’m sorry. There’s no fucking excuse for how I treated you, Gus. I’m sorry.” He swallows, hard. “Vybachte. Am I saying that right?”

 

“It is close enough.” Gus kind of half smiles. “You are not saying that all is okay, though. I am worry, a little. You can talk to me now. I promise to respond in English.”

 

Connor chokes out a laugh that sounds more like a sob. “I can’t believe you only talked to me in Ukrainian for a whole month. I’d have never been able to keep that up.”

 

“I have perseverance,” Gus says solemnly. “Is good word I am learning in my studies. Perseverance.” Then he grins. “Also I am very stubborn. Like my brother.”

 

Connor laughs. “Yeah, well, genetics.”

 

Gus’s face falls. “I should not have said what I did about Zoe,” he says, his face very sad. “I am so sorry, Connor. It was cruel and unkind.”

 

Connor shrugs. “It was true. I’m… I’m not good at this.”

 

Gus frowns. “This is not true. There are many times where you are good at being brother.” He takes Connor’s hand. “We have connection, because we are twins. This connection… it saves me. You understand this, yes? Our connection _saves_ me. Helps me to understand that holy mission for which I am raised… is bullshit. Is wrong. Is evil.” It takes a moment for Connor to realize that Gus is crying again. “You are _saving_ me, Connor. Without you, I still kill. I still cut. I am still tortured. I am still thinking I am nothing.”

 

“I’m so, so, so sorry I made you feel stupid,” Connor says again. “I didn’t… I got impatient and I didn’t think and… those assholes who tortured you made you think you weren’t worth anything and I thought that was awful and then I turned around and did the same fucking thing, and I… I’m such a fuck up, I’m so sorry.”

 

“Stop,” Gus says firmly. “You do not talk of my brother that way.” Gus gives Connor a watery smile. “Is good man, my brother. Sometimes is saying things without thinking, sometimes is impatient, sometimes is… a total douchebag, but is my brother. Not fuck up. My brother. My twin.” Gus looks at Connor, then takes his hand. He puts both of their hands together on his heart.  “I carry you here, Connor. We do not see each other much during the year. But you must know this. I carry you in my heart always.” Gus lets go of Connor’s hand after squeezing it tightly, then taps his head. “And here. When things are hard, I remember your voice, telling dark thoughts to _fuck right off._ Is good. Is helpful. I love you very much.”

 

“I love you too,” Connor chokes out, because he’s properly crying now. “I’m just… it’s been a weird year. Without you. Trying to figure out who I am and what I am and… I was being an asshole and… I’m so sorry.”

 

“I am sorry, too,” says Gus, pulling Connor into another hug. “Next time, we talk, yes? We talk about what is wrong. We are patient with each other and we talk?”

 

“Yeah,” Connor says, sobbing into Gus’s shoulder. “I’d like that. I’d like that a lot.”

 

“And I will talk in English,” Gus assures him. “Though talking in Ukrainian… has been a while. Is nice sometimes, to talk.”

 

“I should try learning it,” says Connor, and he means it. He’d like to be able to speak to Gus in his own language. Gus is putting so much effort into English that it’s only fair that Connor do the same.

 

“You do not have to do this,” Gus tells him with a smile. “But it means much that you would try.”

 

Connor has a thought. “Do you know what we should do?” he asks.

 

Gus shakes his head. “I do not. What should we do?”

 

Connor smiles. “We should watch Space Jam. We haven’t done that yet.”

 

Gus’s eyes light up and he smiles widely. “Very good! Summer is not summer without the Space Jam.”

 

“Come on and slam,” says Connor, feeling like a total idiot.

 

It’s totally worth it for the brilliant smile on Gus’s face. “Welcome to the jam.”

 

* * *

 

Gus is nervous when he goes in to sit his GED test. Connor tells him that he does not need to be, that he is ‘crazy prepared’. In the weeks before the test, Connor and Gus are studying together every day, and Connor is learning to be patient. Sometimes he loses his temper, but when he is frustrated, he stands up and goes to make coffee, and then it is a bit better.

 

Just as Connor is helping Gus with his study, Gus is helping Connor not be so angry and frustrated. He is helping him be more patient, and this is good. But Connor mostly is helping himself.

 

Gus is sure to be encouraging. He knows it is not easy for his twin. He is very impatient man. When Connor explains something simply so Gus can understand, Gus is always sure to thank him for patient explanation.

 

It makes Connor smiles and he likes this.

 

He likes to see Connor smile. It is more easy now.

 

They are still in their separate rooms, and Gus thinks this is probably good, as they are still a bit fragile around each other. Both of them are saying things that hurt, things that stick. Sticky thoughts. Sticky words. Gus knows them well. He is not meaning to hurt Connor, and Connor is not meaning to hurt him, but they are knowing each other. And when you are knowing someone, you are knowing the easiest way to hurt them.

 

There is much time to heal.

 

Much time to make things right.

 

Dad is lighter in his spirit, and this makes Gus very happy. Dad had much hurt when Gus and Connor were not speaking, and Gus does not like it when Dad is hurt. Neither does Connor, he says. Gus is pleased that sometimes, Connor and Dad are going for walks together, or talking quietly on the porch.

 

This is good, Gus thinks. He knows that Connor does not know Dad as well as he does, and in the summer is his chance to have time with him. Connor is still calling Dad Seamus, mostly, but sometimes he is also saying Dad, and this makes Dad so happy.

 

Gus understands that Connor does not always call Seamus Dad, because he has another Dad, too. Even though they are not close. Connor says often that his dad hated him.

 

Gus thinks this is not true. But he cannot be sure, so he does not say anything.

 

Gus is still haunted by what he said about Zoe. He knows how much Connor regrets that he was not close to his sister, that she is thinking he is dead and not knowing how much he cares. Gus knows that it must be a secret that he is alive, but in his heart, he hopes that maybe one day, Connor and Zoe can be brother and sister again. And that maybe, there is room for Gus if that day comes.  

 

He thinks he would like to have a sister.

 

Connor has apologized many times for what he is saying about the clones, and Gus is understanding but realizes it will still stick for a bit. He talks to Mathilde about it, and she is kind and offers kind words and more ways to help unstick the words.

 

It is helping that Connor apologizes much, that Connor tells him many times it is not his fault, that he did not know. That Connor does not blame him. That Connor thinks he is safe. That Connor loves him very much.

 

When Gus gets his GED, Connor buys an ice cream cake, and Gus thinks this is the best thing. He did not know that ice cream could be a cake, and it is very delicious and full of sugar and he likes it very much. There is also a big mountain of donuts.

 

Seamus says that Connor has gone ‘all out’, and when Gus says he does not know this, Connor tells him that ‘all out’ means he has put in a lot of effort.

 

“Thank you for patient explanation, Connor,” says Gus as he scoops up a slice of ice cream cake.

 

“You’re welcome, Gus,” says Connor, smiling and putting a donut on the top of Gus’s cake slice.

 

When it is time for Connor to go home, Gus comes with him and Seamus to the airport this time. The airport still makes him nervous, but he will be brave for Connor. When they go into the building, Connor takes his hand and squeezes it encouragingly.

 

Seamus gives them a few moments to say goodbye alone.

 

“I’m sorry about this summer,” says Connor, his voice sad. “I wasted a lot of our time together, and I regret it.”

 

“I also feel this,” Gus replies. “Maybe this year we try to email more, yes?”

 

Connor smiles. “I think that’s a really good idea.” He pulls Gus into a hug. “Я тебе люблю, Gus.”

 

Gus smiles into his shoulder. “Я тебе люблю, Connor.”


	3. Summer 2020

When Connor gets through security and into the main part of the airport, he immediately hears a familiar bark. It only takes a second to spot Gus and Pampushka standing waiting for him, and he can’t help but smile. 

 

Gus looks good. He’s gained a bit of muscle, which makes sense considering he’s been relatively physically active since his dog grooming business started up, and he looks well rested and healthy and Connor’s just… really glad. 

 

It’s such a difference from when he first met Gus. Every time Connor sees Gus, he looks better and healthier and more sure of himself and it just makes Connor really happy. 

 

As soon as he gets to Gus, he pulls his brother into a firm hug and they hold each other for a long moment. When they finally pull away, Connor can see that Gus’s eyes are a little watery. Connor’s might be, too. 

 

He’s really, really, really missed Gus. They saw each other at Christmas, but only for a few days because Ben’s parents were actually in town briefly so Connor had to spend time with them. After last summer, Connor’s not about to waste any more time that he could be spending with his brother. 

 

Thinking about last summer and his attitude and his terrible fucking poetry is just…

 

Really embarrassing. 

 

Really fucking embarrassing. 

 

He’s not wasting any time this summer. 

 

“Good flight?” Gus asks, slinging his hand around Connor’s shoulder as they head to the baggage claim so Connor can pick up his bag. 

 

“Yeah,” Connor assures him with a smile. “Nice and smooth.”

 

“Good,” says Gus happily. “I’m glad.” 

 

Connor notes that Gus’s English has improved even more in the last six months. He’s clearly more comfortable with contractions and everything’s flowing a lot easier than it had. 

 

Connor is so fucking proud of Gus. 

 

When he collects his bag, Gus takes it from him and carries it despite his protests. Then Gus looks at him and gestures to his face. “You need to shave, Connor,” he says, clearly amused. 

 

Connor shrugs. “Actually, I was thinking of growing a beard.”

 

Gus just looks at him and cracks up laughing. Then after a moment he stops. “Serious, you want to grow a beard?” he asks, curious. “I am not sure we can do that.”

 

Connor shrugs again. “I mean, I can try. It might look good. I don’t know.”

 

Gus laughs. “It is your face, Connor. You make decisions.” 

 

Connor doesn’t bother mentioning that it’s not like his face is just his. It belongs to a whole lot of other people. Including Gus. 

 

He follows Gus to his van. Gus puts Connor’s bag in the back and Pampushka takes a seat in the back as well, and Connor climbs into the passenger next to his brother. Gus is a good driver but he takes driving very, very seriously, which is a stark contrast to Connor’s style. Connor remembers at Christmas, he drove to the supermarket in Seamus’s car with Gus in the passenger seat with his usual casual disregard for speed and safety and Gus very nearly had a heart attack. 

 

Connor doesn’t think he’ll be driving much this summer and if he does, he’ll just make sure he’s not speeding. Or yelling at other drivers. Or any of the other bad habits he picked up when Larry taught him to drive as a teenager. 

 

“The dog grooming business is going well?” Connor asks as he puts on his seatbelt. “Still working out of the van?”

 

Gus nods. “Yes. It is going very well. I have many clients, it is very good. My books are looking very good. I have made good profits and am saving money so one day, I can make things bigger. It’s very good.”

 

“I’m proud of you,” says Connor with a grin. “You’ve worked really hard, you deserve it.”

 

“Is hard work,” Gus agrees. “But is good. Good to spend time with dogs. Good to be working. Good to be useful, to make money and to help Dad with bills.”

 

“Dad’s at work, I take it?” 

 

Gus nods. “He was sad to not have leave to greet you at airport, but he is trusting me to collect you.” Gus’s expression turns serious. “Is good to be trusted. Dad worries much. I understand this, but sometimes… is frustrating.”

 

Connor totally gets it. “He just wants you to be safe,” he says softly. “You know how Dad is.”

 

Gus nods and smiles a little. “I know how Dad is. Is good man, our dad. But he is full of worry that Proletheans come. Try to make me kill again. I know that I will not do this, that I have learned much and will not be swayed, but he is still… he is worry. And is feeling responsible that I kill in first place, even though it is not his fault.” 

 

“It’s not your fault or his,” Connor says, feeling something clench in his stomach a little as Gus pulls out of the parking lot. He gets that Seamus feels responsible for what happened to Gus, but still wishes he didn’t. It weighs heavily on him, Connor knows, and it’s hard sometimes when he catches Seamus looking at Gus with an intense expression of sadness at moments where he thinks no one’s watching. 

 

“I know this,” Gus says firmly. “I tell him this many times. But it is his own sticky thought.” Gus kind of tilts his head. “I am thinking that maybe Dad should talk to Mathilde also. Or perhaps someone like Mathilde. He is doing much so you and I can handle dark thoughts, but he does not always care for himself.” 

 

“It’s worth mentioning,” Connor agrees, fumbling around for the aux cord and connecting his phone. He always prefers there to be music on long drives. Soon the sounds of David Bowie fill the van, and Gus smiles. 

 

“I am listening to much Bowie these months,” says Gus conversationally. “After you play him for me at Christmas. I am thinking he is very talented. I like his music and also his fashion. He is himself, but also has many changes.” Gus grins. “Or as Bowie will say, ch-ch-ch-ch-changes.” 

 

Connor cracks up laughing, and they both sing along to Suffragette City as they get stuck into their journey. Gus is an enthusiastic, but utterly tuneless singer, and Connor thinks it’s kind of endearing. 

 

It’s good to see Gus. 

 

It’s really fucking good to see Gus. 

 

* * *

 

Connor’s spirit is light this year. 

 

Gus can tell from the moment he sees him. There is no dark cloud, there is no cage - just Connor, and a smile that does not look forced. 

 

Gus is very relieved. He does not like to think of last summer, and the hurtful words they exchanged. He thinks that a part of him was afraid that it would be the same, or maybe even worse, because they had not seen each other for so long. 

 

But Connor is full of light as they sing along to Bowie in the car as they drive back to the house, and it makes Gus’s spirit full of light, too. 

 

He has missed his twin very much. 

 

When they get back to the house, Dad is still at work, and Gus takes Connor’s bag into the small office, where the sofa bed is set up. Gus does not want to assume that Connor will stay with him like they did at the beginning of last summer and their first summer together. Connor seems surprised that Gus is putting his bag in another room, but does not say anything. He has another bag with him, and he pulls out a box. 

 

Gus’s eyes light up. He recognizes this box. 

 

“Got these from the bakery before I left New York,” Connor announces, handing Gus the box. “Donuts for you.”

 

“Thank you, Connor,” says Gus, opening the box and smiling. They smell very good and are covered in powdered sugar, and they are Gus’s very favorite. He can’t stop smiling. 

 

It is so good to have donuts and to see Connor. 

 

“Oh,” says Connor, turning a bit pink and pulling something else out of his bag. Then he hands Gus a small package that is wrapped in very nice paper. “This is, uh, it’s a late birthday present. I found it and I wanted to… it’s lame, but I wanted to give it to you in person.”

 

They go into the living room and Gus puts the donuts on the coffee table, then opens the package. When he sees what it is, he smiles even more. He smiles so much, he thinks his face will hurt, but he does not care because it is very nice. 

 

“It’s a special edition,” Connor explains, pointing to the thin box the movie is in. “It’s remastered so it looks better and there’s a director’s cut, which means there’s more in the film. And there are some shorts, and I think behind the scenes as well.” Connor smiles. “I know it’s your favorite, so…”

 

“I like the Space Jam very much,” says Gus, feeling his eyes sting a little. These are happy tears, he knows. “Thank you very much. You do not have to do this, it is very kind.”

 

“We can watch it now if you want?” Connor offers, his voice quiet. “It’s pretty much tradition now.”

 

Gus thinks that Connor maybe regrets last summer, too. Even though he is full of light, he seems nervous, and is careful to be soft and gentle and patient. Connor arrives with presents that mean much to Gus and he offers to watch the Space Jam, even though Gus knows Connor is not liking it as much as Gus does. 

 

Gus pulls his twin brother into a tight hug. “In a while,” he says. “First, we talk together. I have missed you very, very much.”

 

“I’ve missed you, too,” says Connor, and Gus can feel that he is relaxing somewhat. This is a very good thing. 

 

“I want to hear about college,” says Gus as they pull apart. “This year, you are learning much, yes? You have good friends? I would like you to tell me all about your life.”

 

Connor’s face grows soft and Gus’s heart is very full. 

 

It feels like no time passes when they are together. They talk about life and about Connor’s school and Gus’s dog grooming business and it is very, very good. It is only when Dad comes back with a bag full of Chinese food that Gus realizes it has been many hours. 

 

Dad gives Connor a big hug when he sees him, and Connor smiles and looks even more relaxed. There are many, many wontons. Dad shows Gus and Connor how to use the chopsticks, and Connor is not very good but instead of getting angry like Gus thinks he might have last summer, Connor just laughs and says he just needs more practice. 

 

“Then it is settled,” Gus says decisively as he eats a wonton. “We must have much Chinese food this summer. So Connor can learn to use the chopsticks. Is important to learn new skills.” He picks up a piece of sweet and sour pork and drops it immediately, then laughs. “I also must learn. We learn together, yes? Life is for learning, all the time.”

 

“Totally,” says Connor, and he looks relaxed and happy and Gus is very, very pleased that he is here. 

 

That evening, they watch the Space Jam. It is a longer version with more things, and Connor explains that there are extras because it is for the 20th anniversary, which was some years back. The Space Jam is an old film, this Gus knows, and maybe it is strange that it is his favorite, but it is always making him feel safe. 

 

When he sees the Space Jam, he thinks of the monastery and the monks with kind eyes who keep him fed and safe, even when it is cold and life is simple. He thinks of the apartment in New York and the sofa and donuts, in the days when he first meets Dad and Connor. The Space Jam is a silly thing, he knows this, but it is making him feel safe. It is reminding him of times where he is safe. 

 

It is reminding him of his twin brother and his dad, and knowing that there are people who love him and want him to be happy and healthy and safe. Who do not want him to kill or hurt himself. 

 

The Space Jam is a silly thing but it has good memories, and Gus will always watch it and feel warm. 

 

After the Space Jam, it is getting late, and Dad has work in the morning and Connor is tired from flying, so they go to bed. Connor gives Gus a big hug before heading into the office room, and Gus curls up in bed with Pampushka at his feet.  

 

It takes a long time for sleep to come. He lies awake for what he thinks might be an hour. His brain is full of thoughts, about donuts and the Space Jam and last summer and Connor’s terrible cigarettes and poetry and Chinese food and the Irish Setter that tried to bite his knee last week at work. 

 

Then the door opens. Gus turns on the lamp next to his bed and sees Connor in the doorway. His cheeks are pink like he is embarrassed. His hair is messy, as if he has tossed and turned. He is wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt that both look very soft. 

 

“I couldn’t sleep,” Connor admits. “Do you mind if I crash here with you?”

 

“I do not mind this,” Gus says, moving over to make room for his brother. Connor climbs into the bed and Pampushka settles at the bottom of the bed between them. Gus turns off the light, then waits for his eyes to adjust in the dark. 

 

He can see the outline of Connor’s face next to him, and it is nice to know that Connor is here and is safe. 

 

“I’m sorry about last summer,” says Connor quietly. “I really fucked up.”

 

“We leave last summer in the past,” says Gus. He is starting to feel sleepy. He thinks it is because now that Connor is here, it feels more normal. “We have this summer together, and we do not waste it.”

 

“I’m really fucking glad I’m here,” Connor says, and Gus can hear a sad smile in his voice. 

 

“Me too,” Gus assures him. 

 

It does not take long to fall asleep. 

 

* * *

 

The next morning when Seamus gets up, both Connor and Gus are in the kitchen. Gus is making pancakes, Connor is making coffee and they both look a little tired, but happy. Gus hands Seamus a plate of blueberry pancakes, Connor hands him a coffee with cream and no sugar (just the way he likes it) and Seamus is just… so fucking happy he’s got both his boys home for the summer. 

 

“Got a busy day, Dad?” Connor asks, pouring a cup of coffee for himself. 

 

“Should be pretty low key,” Seamus admits, digging into his pancakes. Even though technically Seamus taught Gus how to cook, Gus is much better at it and these days does most of the cooking. At first Seamus was a little taken aback and worried that Gus was cooking because he felt like he had to contribute in some way, but then it became obvious that Gus genuinely enjoys cooking, especially for others. 

 

“I think food is good way to bring people together,” Gus had said one time when they’d talked about it. “Food can be way to show someone you care. That you want them to have strength.” Gus had squeezed Seamus’s shoulder at that and smiled. “You are the one who is teaching me this, Dad.”

 

Having his boys call him Dad…

 

It’s never going to get old. 

 

“I’m helping Gus at work,” Connor announces, and Seamus can see Gus’s face light up. “Can’t promise I’ll be any good, but I want to see where the magic happens.”

 

“There are many good dogs,” Gus says enthusiastically, flipping a pancake onto a plate and handing it to Connor, who passes Gus a cup of coffee. He pours in some more batter and keeps cooking. “I have many clients, even though is small town. Many good dogs. Many good people.”

 

Seamus wonders how that’s going to go. Connor’s not the most patient person in the world, and dog grooming definitely seems to require patience, but Gus looks so excited that his brother’s interested in what he’s doing, and Connor looks so enthusiastic that Seamus hasn’t got the heart to rain on their parade. 

 

He will, however, keep an eye on things. As much as he wants the twins to sort out their own issues, he’s not keen to have a repeat of last summer with them at each other’s throats. 

 

That evening when he gets home from work, Gus and Connor are cooking a stir fry. Well, Gus is doing most of the cooking and Connor is chopping ingredients, and they’ve got David Bowie playing over a Bluetooth speaker and they both seem relaxed and happy. 

 

“How was the day?” Seamus asks, and both boys smile. 

 

“Good,” says Gus. “We have Trixie today. She is Great Dane and very big, so is good to have two of us to wash her properly.” Gus looks at Connor and grins a little. “Connor is learning that sometimes big dogs make things tricky.”

 

“Yeah, I got a bath as well,” says Connor with a laugh. “I don’t know how Gus does it.”

 

“Practice and patience,” says Gus wisely, serving up what looks like a chicken stir fry with some udon noodles. It smells delicious. 

 

Connor pulls out three sets of chopsticks and kind of smirks. “Okay then, Mr. Practice and Patience,” he says teasingly. “Let’s see if we can manage the chopsticks again.”

 

“Practice and patience means you can learn many things,” Gus shoots back with a smile. “You should try it some time.”

 

Connor laughs.  “ебать тебе,” he says. 

 

Gus’s eyes widen and he bursts out laughing. Connor joins in, and Seamus has no idea what just happened, but they both seem happy.

 

As they’re eating, Gus looks over at Connor and gestures to his chin. “Your beard is taking much time to grow,” he comments matter-of-factly. 

 

“Patience,” says Connor with what can only be described as a shit-eating grin. 

 

Gus cracks up laughing. “I think right now, your beard is looking like the time that Pampushka chewed my toothbrush,” says Gus teasingly. 

 

Connor snorts. “ Мудак.”

 

Gus howls with laughter again, and Seamus resolves to at some point, start looking up Ukrainian vocabulary. He’s pretty sure the twins are just swearing at each other, but Gus is absolutely delighted, so Seamus is happy to let them be.

 

The three of them settle into a routine over the next few weeks.  Seamus is still keeping an eye on the boys but feeling a lot more confident about them working together. He gets home from work most evenings to find them cooking together, chatting and listening to music, and regaling stories from the day. When they’re not working, they’re visiting the library or the park and just spending time together, and Seamus is just really glad to see them enjoying each other’s company. 

 

Seamus gets home one afternoon a few hours early and finds Connor on the porch, reading a book and drinking what looks like iced coffee. Connor waves when he sees Seamus and Seamus settles down next to him for a moment. 

 

“How’s it going?” he asks. “We haven’t had much of a chance to just hang out the two of us yet.”

 

“I’m good,” Connor assures him. “Gus is with Mathilde.”

 

Seamus nods. “Right. I’d forgotten that was today.” He looks at Connor, who’s wearing sunglasses and seems well and truly relaxed. “How’s working with Gus?”

 

Connor laughs. “I’m really, really, really fucking bad at dog grooming,” he confesses. “And I think I’m in the way, to be honest. But it’s nice spending time with Gus, and after last summer… I just don’t want to waste any time, you know? I don’t want him to think I don’t care.”

 

“Are you enjoying yourself?” Seamus asks, frowning a little. 

 

Connor shrugs. “I can take or leave dogs,” he says matter-of-factly. “Except Pampushka, obviously. She’s awesome. But like… I don’t love dogs the way Gus does. He just wants to play with dogs all day, he’s having the best time. It’s nice seeing him happy, I guess? But… I don’t know, I’d probably rather just… sit and read a book somewhere.” He looks a little sheepish. “I don’t want to upset Gus. I really am enjoying spending time with him. It’s just… a lot. A lot of people and dogs and… I don’t know, I’m not quite as chill with hanging out with tons of people as Gus is? I like my alone time and my space.”

 

“I’m pretty sure if you explain that to Gus, he’ll understand,” Seamus points out gently. “You’re on vacation, Connor. You shouldn’t feel like you have to be working with Gus, especially if you don’t like it.”

 

Connor shrugs again. “It’s not that I don’t like it,” he hurries to admit. “I like spending time with Gus.”

 

“You’ve got plenty of time to see Gus, even if he is working,” Seamus says, putting his hand on Connor’s shoulder and squeezing it gently. “I want you to have some time for yourself if you need it, son.”

 

Connor turns a little pink but nods. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I’ll think about it.”

 

A few days later, Seamus finds himself awake at dawn for some reason. He goes into the kitchen to find Gus putting out some food for Pampushka, looking a little groggy. Gus blinks a few times and smiles when he sees Seamus, then gives him a hug. 

 

“You’re up early,” Seamus says, going to get a glass of water. 

 

Gus nods. “Pampushka is wanting food. She is very impatient this morning, I am not sure why.” He rubs his face a little. “You are working early?”

 

Seamus shakes his head. “No, I just woke up.” 

 

Gus tilts his head. “Is all okay?”

 

Seamus nods. “I’m fine, son.” He looks at Gus, who looks tired but happy. “How’s work going? It’s alright working with your brother?”

 

Gus’s face falls a little. “I do not think he likes the dogs as much as I do,” Gus confesses. “I think maybe that he does not like the work. There are people to talk to and dogs to wash, and I think it is not something he likes. But I do not want to make him think I do not want him here, and he does not say he wants to stop.”

 

Seamus finishes his glass of water and puts it in the sink. He definitely saw this coming. “Connor just wants to spend time with you,” Seamus says gently. “But you’re right, he’s not as passionate about dogs as you are. I think the two of you need to talk about it.” Seamus takes a deep breath before continuing. “Is he… is having him around making it hard to do your job?”

 

Gus frowns again. “I think it would be easier alone,” he admits, looking horribly guilty. “But I do not want him to feel bad. I do not want him to feel like I am not wanting his help. It is kind that he does this, that he helps.”

 

“Connor loves you very much,” Seamus tells Gus gently. “I don’t think he’d be mad if you told him you didn’t need his help. He might be a bit relieved, to be perfectly honest.”

 

Gus looks at Seamus curiously. “Is he saying something to you?”

 

Seamus crosses his arms. “We’ve talked a little,” he admits after a while. “He just wants to spend time with you.”

 

“We can spend time together not at work,” Gus says, like he’s making some kind of decision. “I will think on this. Think of a way that is best to talk of this.” He smiles. “Thank you, Dad.”

 

“You’re welcome, Gus.”

 

That night for dinner, Gus and Connor make a pasta dish that’s pretty damn tasty. While it’s cooking, Seamus pops out and grabs a couple of bottles of wine to go with it, seeing as neither of them are working the next day. It’s nice to do something a little special and the three of them are happily digging into their pasta and drinking their wine when Gus turns to Connor. 

 

“I am thinking,” Gus says conversationally, “that you have talent in many things, Connor.”

 

Connor blinks, clearly confused. “Uh, thank you.”

 

“Is true,” says Gus with a nod. “You are good at the school, and the reading, and you are good at chopping the onions into the smallest pieces, and also you are good at picking music that is good to listen to. Many things you are good at.” He has a sip of his wine, then continues. “But is okay to not be good at  _ all _ things. Is human and is natural. You are having many talents, but I think that maybe… washing dogs is not talent that you have. And is okay. Is okay you do not have talent for dog washing.”

 

Connor just stares at Gus, and Seamus is afraid he’s going to yell at him for a moment, but then Connor cracks up laughing. 

 

“Oh my god,” says Connor, still chuckling. “Gus, I’m so bad at dog washing, oh my god.”

 

“I feel like you are not happy to be doing the dog washing,” Gus confesses in a rush. “I like to spend time with you, but I want for you to be happy, Connor.”

 

“I like spending time with you, too,” Connor replies. “But you’re definitely right. Dog washing is not my strong suit.” Connor smiles, and pours himself another glass of wine. “How about this?” he says, passing the wine bottle to Gus. “Sometimes you have customers with dogs who get a little nervous around Pampushka, right? How about I take Pampushka for a walk while you’re dealing with those customers, but the rest of the time when you’re working, I just hang out and read?”

 

Gus’s face breaks into a brilliant smile. “I would like this much.” He pours himself a glass of wine, then fills up Seamus’s glass, and Seamus is just glad to see the twins figuring things out.

 

They’re going to be okay. 

 

* * *

 

Once Connor officially retires from full-time dog grooming, the summer’s a lot more fun. The daily routine goes a bit differently from then on. He tags along with Gus as he goes into town, where he works from his van outside the community center, then heads to the library for the morning. Usually he’ll pick up some sandwiches from a nearby deli and head back to Gus for lunch, then depending on whether Gus has afternoon appointments, he’ll either take Pampushka for a walk so she can stretch her legs or the three of them will head to the park. 

 

Midway through the second week of Connor’s dog-grooming retirement, he’s got Pampushka for the whole day because Gus has a very nervous, very small Maltese to deal with. Connor and Pampushka wander around aimlessly for a while, Connor just kind of following the dog who seems to know her way around. They turn a corner Connor’s never paid much attention to before and find themselves at what looks like a farmer’s market. 

 

Connor’s got some cash in his pocket, by some miracle, so he figures he’ll have a look around and maybe pick something up for Gus and Seamus. There’s a range of stalls but not a huge crowd of people milling around, which Connor appreciates. People wave and smile at him and he waves back, a little awkwardly. 

 

No doubt they think he’s Gus. 

 

Looking around, he sees stalls selling cheeses and honey and a wide range of vegetables. He picks up some cheese, along with some sunflowers on a whim, and some corn and some snap peas. Then he sees a stall with fruit - mostly apples - and he finds himself heading over almost without thinking about it. 

 

Connor remembers going to the apple orchard with his family when he was a kid, and how much he liked it. Back when things with his family were good. Back when they weren’t busy screaming at each other.  

 

Connor likes apples. So does Gus. He can get some to take home. 

 

The guy behind the stall has dark hair and dark skin and smiles widely when he sees him. He’s cute, Connor notes. 

 

“Hey Gus,” says the guy at the fruit stand. “Got some nice Honeycrisp apples in if you’re interested.”

 

Connor walks over and smiles apologetically. “It’s, uh, it’s Connor, actually,” he says, a little sheepish. “I’m Gus’s twin.” 

 

The guy at the fruit stand blushes a little, but is still smiling. “Sorry man,” he says, his tone equally sheepish. “Nice to meet you, I’m Ray. Gus talks about you all the time.”

 

Connor grins. “He’s working,” he explains. “Pampushka seemed to want to come here, though, so I figured I’d poke around.” He looks at the apples. “I’ll, uh, I’ll get some apples for Gus. I know he likes them.”

 

“He likes Gala apples,” says the guy at the fruit stand. “And honeycrisp. He said he likes apples to be sweet and crunchy.”

 

Connor nods. “Sounds like Gus.” He looks at the stall and sees there’s a sign, covered in delicate pencil drawings of different varieties of apples. The drawings look familiar. Connor points to them. “Did Gus draw these?”

 

Ray blushes even more. “Yeah,” he says, a little awkwardly. “He’s really talented. He keeps, uh, he keeps bringing me drawings of different varieties of apples, it’s really nice of him.”

 

“Sure,” says Connor, trying not to grin. 

 

“Say hi to him from me?” says Ray, kind of tripping over his words. 

 

“Of course,” Connor assures him. He can’t quite hide his grin now. 

 

He thinks his brother might have a crush. 

 

He thinks Ray from the fruit stand might have a crush right back. 

 

When he gets back to Gus’s van, Gus is just finishing up with his last client of the day, an elderly Dalmatian with the very original name of Spot who seems pleased to see Pampushka. Gus smiles widely when he sees Connor and Pampushka, and Connor sets about helping Gus clean and shut down the van before heading back home. 

 

“Went to the farmers’ market,” Connor announces as they finally start the drive back to the house. “Ray says hi, by the way.”

 

Gus turns bright pink and Connor smirks. “You are meeting Handsome Fruit Man?” says Gus in a rush. 

 

“Handsome Fruit Man?” Connor repeats, trying not to laugh. 

 

Gus turns even pinker. “He is very handsome and he sells fruit. In my head, I call him Handsome Fruit Man.”

 

“You like him, don’t you?” says Connor teasingly. 

 

All the color drains from Gus’s face. “He is very nice man,” Gus mumbles. “Nice and handsome. But… is not… is not normal, no? For me to like the men.”

 

There’s this weird feeling in Connor’s stomach at this. “You know that… I like men, right?” he says carefully. “That it’s okay for men to like men. I know there are people who say that it isn’t, but… those people are wrong.”

 

Gus’s eyes are wide and he looks straight at Connor for a moment. “I am not saying it is bad for you to like the men,” he blurts out. “Is okay. Is who you are. I am just… not sure. For me, I am not sure.”

 

“It doesn’t have to be just men or just women,” Connor says, trying to explain the best he can. “You can like both. Or neither. And there are people who don’t identify as either men or women, and that’s okay, too.”

 

“Like Reed,” Gus says immediately, and Connor relaxes a little, because clearly this isn’t a total mystery to his twin. “I am looking this up on the Wikipedia,” Gus explains. “Non-binary. Not man or woman, just person. This is good. I understand this, somewhat.” He winces a little. “Sometimes is hard to remember. Many times when I am small, I am told that men and woman together is God’s design. No exceptions. But I am seeing new things. My eyes are open now. I see that God has made a world full of color and difference, and that is not always simple. Is good that is not always simple. But I must be careful of my thoughts. I must be careful to… acknowledge that what I am taught it not true.” Gus scowls a little and shakes his head. “I do not feel that I am making sense, Connor. Vybachte.”

 

“You don’t need to apologize,” Connor assures him. “You get it.” Gus pulls into the driveway, and they focus on getting all of Connor’s market purchases into the house. 

 

When everything’s unpacked, Gus pulls out a chopping board and starts to slice up an apple. The two of them eat apple slices together quietly for a moment.

 

“You know that it doesn’t matter who you love, right?” Connor blurts out. “I mean, it does - but it doesn’t matter if they’re a boy or a girl or neither. What matters is that they treat you kindly, that they’re nice to you and they’re respectful and they love you back.”

 

Gus nods. “I am knowing this.” He taps on his head. “In here.” He puts his hand on his heart. “This takes work, I think. I am…” Gus scowls, then takes another apple slice. “I am worried that I am not normal,” he confesses. “I am knowing that there is much about me that is strange and unknown. That my life is strange and hard to explain to people who do not know this. I think… I think it is the men I like, and I would like to feel that this is okay. But I am… confused. I know that I am of God’s design, but sometimes I wonder… why he must give me such challenge.”

 

Connor’s not sure what to say to that. He’s never paid much attention to God or religion. He was brought up Catholic, and when he was a kid he’d occasionally worry that he was going to hell because he was a bad person. And he knew that the Catholic church wasn’t exactly chill with being gay. But he doesn’t have the same level of religious indoctrination as Gus. He doesn’t have that same shame and hurt and punishment and… 

 

It’s one more thing about Gus that he can’t really fully understand. 

 

But that’s okay. They’re twins, but they’re not the same people, and they haven’t had the same life experiences. 

 

“You’re strong,” Connor says, in lieu of anything more in-depth. “You have challenges, sure. But you’re strong.” He puts his hand on Gus’s shoulder. “And I love you. And there’s, like, nothing you could do to make me stop loving you, so… I don’t know, I hope that helps? Kind of?”

 

Gus blinks, then pulls Connor into a firm hug. 

 

They stay that way for a long time. 

 

The next day, Gus has a lot of clients and is making a ton of house calls, so Connor just kind of wanders around town. He spends some time in the library. He goes and gets a coffee at one point. 

 

And he thinks about Gus. 

 

He thinks about Gus’s crush on the guy at the fruit market. Ray seems like a nice enough guy and Connor’s glad for that, but…

 

Gus probably doesn’t exactly have any experience when it comes to relationships. 

 

Or sex.

 

Shit. 

 

Fuck. 

 

Who gave Gus the sex talk?

 

Connor can’t imagine the monks giving him a sex talk, especially not when he left their care when he was eight. He kind of suspects that Seamus hasn’t talked to him about it, because there have been so many other things to focus on - namely, keeping Gus alive. 

 

And Tatiana? The bitch who told him to cut himself, who taught him to kill, who tortured him with bleach and told him he was worthless? 

 

Any kind of talk about sex from Tatiana would have been totally fucked up. 

 

Connor remembers getting high off his ass and sleeping with Jerome, and… 

 

That’s not what he wants for Gus. 

 

That’s absolutely not what he wants for Gus. 

 

There’s a tiny liquor store on the outskirts of town, within walking distance from home, and Connor goes in to buy booze with a determined sigh. 

 

He needs to talk to Seamus. 

 

And then he needs to talk to Gus. 

 

They’re all going to need to be drunk for this. 

 

* * *

 

Seamus gets home from work around 5pm to find Connor sitting at the kitchen table, a bottle of whiskey in front of him. Connor’s sipping from a glass and seems to be deep in thought. Seamus takes a seat across the table from Connor and looks right at him.

  
“Gus is doing house calls today,” says Connor by way of greeting. “He’ll be back soon.”

 

“Where did you get the whiskey?” Seamus asks, looking at the bottle. “That’s fancier than I usually buy.”

 

Connor looks at Seamus, expression guarded. “I bought it with Ben’s fake ID,” says Connor, his tone matter-of-fact. “The guy at the liquor store tells me this is good Irish whiskey. Aged for 12 years or something.”

 

Seamus blinks. “You bought 12 year old Irish whiskey?” he asks, still completely confused. 

 

Connor nods. “Yes. Because you and I need to talk.” Connor pours a glass of whiskey for Seamus, then passes it over.

 

“Are you okay?” Seamus blurts out, trying to tamp down on the feeling of panic welling up in him at those words. “Is Gus okay? Tell me what’s going on.”

 

“I’m fine,” Connor says, and he looks like he’s telling the truth. Seamus sizes him up. Connor looks… uncomfortable. He sighs. “Look, there’s no easy way to say this, but… have you and Gus talked about sex?”

 

Fuck. 

 

Fucking hell. 

 

Seamus was not expecting that at all. 

 

He takes a sip of whiskey and shakes his head. “What happened?” he asks, and he can tell he’s coming across just as uncomfortable, because…

 

This is not a conversation he’d even thought about it. 

 

Connor pours himself a glass of whiskey and takes a sip himself. “Nothing yet, I don’t think,” he says, obviously very embarrassed. “But he likes the guy at the farmers market. The guy who sells the fruit? He calls him Handsome Fruit Man, it’s kinda cute.” Connor takes another sip, then continues. “I’m kind of getting a vibe from the guy who sells the fruit that he… might be interested in Gus, and I just… I just want to be sure that if it’s, like, a thing or whatever, Gus is…”

 

“You want to be sure Gus is safe,” Seamus finishes, realization dawning. “Because he probably didn’t get any sex education as a teenager.”

 

“That bitch who tortured him and made him hurt himself was a religious nut,” says Connor. “How do you think any discussions about sex went?” He finishes his glass of whiskey, and part of Seamus wants to tell Connor to slow down because it’s very nice whiskey, but the other part appreciates that this conversation really does require alcohol. 

 

“You’re not wrong,” Seamus admits. “You’re really not wrong.”

 

Connor nods. “He’s only just… we’ve kind of talked, and he’s coming to terms with the fact that he likes guys, but like… what if this guy asks him out or whatever and something happens and he doesn’t know what’s happening? Or Gus gets freaked out or tries to hurt him, or hurt himself, or it gets weird because this is… this is shit you’re supposed to have sorted out by the time you’re twenty, you know?” 

 

Connor pours himself another whiskey and downs it. Then he looks at Seamus. “When I was a teenager, my dad and I had a very awkward conversation about not getting girls pregnant and  _ that _ was terrible and unnecessary, but I don’t think we ever talked about… you know.” Connor sighs, and his cheeks turn a little pink, and then he scowls. “Jesus fucking Christ.”

 

“Right,” says Seamus, finishing his own glass and pouring another one. “Yeah. Okay.”  

 

Seamus is… a little mad at himself that this isn’t something he’s thought about. He thinks it probably should have been, to be honest. 

 

“I… I don’t exactly know what to do here. Do you need me to… should I be googling stuff?”

 

Connor flushes bright red. “Please don’t fucking google gay sex,” he says immediately. Connor sighs again. “Look, I can totally do the… I can talk about the mechanics and shit, I just… I just want to make sure that he knows how to be safe and understands that everything is his choice and…” 

 

Connor trails off and swirls his whiskey, looking into the glass like it’s got all the answers. He’s quiet for a long moment, then finally he continues. “I just don’t want him to have the same experience I did,” Connor says quietly. “I… uh… with Jerome? And he didn’t even know I wasn’t Ben and it was… looking back, that’s really fucked up, you know? And I was high off my ass and don’t even remember… doing stuff… and it was all weird and self-destructive and messy and Gus doesn’t need that shit. Gus deserves something nice that’s on his terms, and he deserves to make his own decisions and he deserves to know what he’s doing, I guess.” 

 

Seamus thinks about this as he finishes his drink. He gets where Connor is coming from. He really does. He has no idea how he’s supposed to give the sex talk to his twenty-year-old son who was raised by religious extremists and likes boys, but… 

 

He’s been careful to make sure that Gus understands consent, the whole time they’ve been in each other’s lives. 

 

Even if it’s awkward and embarrassing, he can help with this bit. 

 

“We can do this together,” Seamus says decisively. 

 

Connor blinks. “Are you sure?” he asks, a little wary. “I get that it’s… uh… not your demographic.” Then Connor frowns. “I mean, I guess. I always just assumed… you’re straight, right?”

 

Seamus nods. “Yep, I’m straight,” he says, looking at Connor. “But the fact that you boys aren’t doesn’t bother me. At all. I just want you both to be happy and healthy and safe.”

 

Connor’s expression softens. “That’s all Gus needs to hear from you,” he says quietly. “I can… I’ll do the rest of it. I know the whole… I get that straight guys don’t want to hear about gay sex.”

 

Seamus shrugs. “I mean, it’s not my idea of a fun Friday night,” he confesses. “But there’s nothing more important to me than you boys and your health and safety. So I’ll help with this.” He downs the glass of whiskey and kind of laughs. “I feel like I should be giving you hell for your fake ID, but this is damn good whiskey.”

 

Connor smirks and pulls another bottle from his bag. Seamus cracks up laughing, and they both pour another glass each. 

 

And then another. 

 

And then another. 

 

* * *

 

When Gus gets home, he’s surprised to find Connor and Dad at the kitchen table, sitting and talking loudly. 

 

Well, no, this is not a surprise. What is a surprise is that they are both very clearly quite drunk. 

 

This is very strange. Gus does not think he has ever seen Dad drunk. 

 

“Hello,” says Gus. He puts down his bag and goes to sit next to Connor. Connor puts his arm around his shoulder and smiles. 

 

“Want a drink?” Connor offers. Gus looks at the bottle of whiskey, a little unsure, and then Connor pulls out a bottle from his bag and hands it to Gus. “I got butterscotch schnapps for you,” Connor announces. His words run together somewhat. “It’s sweet, so I thought you’d like it better than whiskey.”

 

“Is there reason you are drinking so early?” Gus asks, frowning a little. 

 

Connor and Dad exchange a look, and Gus is somewhat nervous. They seem to be having a discussion with their eyes. Finally, Dad takes a long sip of his drink and Connor sighs. “We wanted to talk to you about Handsome Fruit Man,” says Connor. 

 

Gus stands up. “I think it is time for Pampushka to have bath,” he announces in a hurry.

 

“This is important,” Dad insists. “Sit down, son.”

 

Gus sits down. Suddenly, he thinks he understands why everyone is drunk. There is a glass, and he pours himself some of the butterscotch drink that Connor has bought for him and drinks it. 

 

It is sweet but burns somewhat on his throat. 

 

“There is nothing to say about Handsome Fruit Man,” Gus says when he has finished his drink. “Only that he is handsome and sells the fruit. This is all.”

 

“I think you like him,” Connor says. He is very direct when he is drunk, Gus notices. “And that’s okay. It’s okay to like him. But you need to know how to be safe if anything happens between you.”

 

Gus blinks. “What are you meaning?”

 

Connor and Dad look at each other. They are both very pink. Dad has another drink, then looks at Gus, his shoulders tense like he is about to jump or run. “What do you know about sex?”

 

Gus does not want to talk about this. 

 

He feels his face go very, very red. 

 

“I get this is totally embarrassing,” says Connor. His voice is kind. “But, like, we want to make sure you know how to be safe, you know?” 

 

Gus is not sure what Connor is meaning. “I am knowing how to keep myself safe,” Gus says, pouring himself another drink. “If Handsome Fruit Man turns out to be dangerous, I am knowing how to defend myself.”

 

Connor and Dad look at each other again, and this time Connor is the one to have another drink. “I, uh, don’t think that Handsome Fruit Man is going to attack you, Gus,” says Dad, looking very uncomfortable. 

 

Connor finishes his drink and then pulls out a small box from his bag. “Okay,” he says, very matter-of-factly. “These are condoms. They’re very important. This is what you need to know to keep you safe.” 

 

“Connor, I do not think-”

 

“Nope,” Connor interrupts firmly. He still has his bag and he seems to be looking for something. Gus is growing more and more embarrassed and it is even worse when Connor pulls out a paper bag from the market. 

 

There is a cucumber. 

 

Gus pours himself a very large glass of the butterscotch schnapps and drinks it all in one gulp.

 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Dad mutters, and pours himself more whiskey. 

 

“Connor,” says Gus, knowing that he is very red now. “I do not want to talk of this.”

 

“I know you don’t,” says Connor. “I know it’s embarrassing. But, like… has anyone ever talked to you about this before?”

 

Even though Connor is drunk, his eyes are challenging, and Gus shakes his head, because he knows that Connor is right. He does not know this. He has seen some things on the internet, but it seems very strange and makes him very embarrassed. Embarrassed because he feels like it is something he should not see, but also embarrassed because…

 

He is now twenty. It is old enough to know of these things, and he does not. 

 

“Okay,” says Dad, finishing his whiskey. He looks at Connor, who nods, then looks at Gus. “The most important thing about sex is consent. If you don’t want to have sex, you shouldn’t feel like you’re being pressured into it by someone else. Anyone who tries to make you feel bad that you don’t want to have sex - they’re not worth your time, son. And that goes for you, too. If you want sex and the person you’re with doesn’t, tough. Sex without consent isn’t sex. That’s the most important thing I can tell you.”

 

Gus nods. “Is always choice,” he says, because even though he is very red and this is very embarrassing, he thinks that this is important. “I… I do not know that I am ready for this yet, but I am understanding that there must always be choice. That this is important.”

 

Dad nods firmly, then pours himself another drink. “Good,” he says, sounding a little relieved. “That’s… that’s really important. I know that you know what it feels like to not have a choice, and… when it comes to sex, that’s even more important. It’s always your decision. Yours.”

 

Connor’s downed an entire glass of whiskey throughout Dad’s speech, and is nodding in agreement. He looks a little sad, and Gus thinks that maybe the reason that Connor is so sure that he wants to keep Gus safe is that there was no one to talk to Connor about this. That maybe there were times where Connor was not safe. 

 

It makes his heart hurt. 

 

“Okay,” says Connor. His voice is… not exactly enthusiastic, but he is determined. He pours himself another glass of whiskey, then drinks it, and Gus is not sure how much Connor is drinking but thinks that maybe it is not the best idea. “Okay. So. Let me give you a basic rundown of how it all works.”

 

Connor launches into an explanation of how sex between two men works, and Gus is sure that his face has never been this red before. He would very much like to not be having this conversation, but also he is grateful that he is now knowing, because…

 

Well, he likes Handsome Fruit Man very much. And one day, he might be ready for sex, and he would like to know that he understands how it works, because he thinks that if he does not know, he would look stupid, and this is not something he likes. 

 

Connor is drunk, this is true, but he is also patient and matter-of-fact, and even though he is also embarrassed, he is not shy when he talks of sex while he is drunk. He explains how to use the condoms and why they will make him safe, and he explains how things fit and it is very strange to talk of such things, but even though Gus is very embarrassed, he is glad to know. 

 

Dad is drinking very much as Connor explains, and then Connor gives Gus the cucumber and asks him to show that he is knowing how the condom works. Gus has had much butterscotch schnapps by now, and he is embarrassed and drunk and his hands are a bit shaky, but Connor is very patient and Gus thinks this is a great kindness. 

 

Gus thinks that maybe he will not eat cucumber for a time, because it will make him think of this conversation, which has made him very embarrassed. 

 

“Do you have any questions?” Connor asks finally, and he is still very pink but he also seems to be somewhat more relaxed. Gus looks at Dad, who is looking like he might fall asleep soon. Gus thinks that maybe Dad has had a bit too much whiskey. 

 

Gus knows that it is the women that Dad likes, and that perhaps talking about sex with men is even more uncomfortable for him. Still, he appreciates that Dad is still here and cares that he is safe. 

 

“I do not think so,” Gus admits. “It is possible there will be time I have questions, but not now.”

 

Connor nods. “Cool. You can always talk to me. Like, always.”

 

“I know this,” Gus assures him. “You are good brother.”

 

Connor kind of looks away. “I just want you to be safe, Gus.”

 

“I want this for you, too,” Gus tells him. 

 

Connor smiles. 

 

Gus looks at Dad, and he thinks that he might definitely fall asleep soon. Connor looks at Dad too and starts to laugh. “Oh man, he’s so drunk,” says Connor fondly. “Let’s get you to bed, old man.”

 

“Who are you calling old?” Dad mutters, but he lets Connor and Gus guide him into his room. Connor manages to take off Dad’s shoes and Gus goes to get a glass of water and some painkillers to put at the side of his bed for when he wakes up. 

 

It does not take long for Dad to fall asleep. He is snoring very loudly and Connor laughs softly. 

 

“I think is not easy for Dad to have this talk,” Gus says as they head back into the kitchen. “Is strange for him. He is not liking the men like we do, it must be strange.”

 

“Yeah,” Connor agrees. His voice is fond. “Dad’s… he’s great. He’s really fucking great. My… uh… my other dad, he wouldn’t have done this. You’re really lucky to have him, Gus.”

 

“You are lucky to have him, also,” Gus points out. He puts his hand on Connor’s shoulder. “I know that I am with him all the time, so sometimes it must feel like… he is not really your dad. But he is. Dad loves you very much. He talks of you much. He tells me how proud he is of your learning, and of you.”

 

Connor’s eyes go a little watery and he pulls Gus in for a hug. When he pulls apart, he wipes his face and looks at his watch. “We should eat something,” he says firmly. 

 

“I think I have had too much to drink to cook safe,” Gus admits. “Maybe we order pizza?”

 

“Sounds good,” says Connor. He smiles. “We can order pizza and watch Space Jam again if you want?”

 

Gus nods. “I would like this very much.”

 

* * *

 

The end of the summer rolls around quickly. 

 

Too quickly. 

 

Connor’s not ready to go back to New York. Not really. 

 

But it is what it is and he’s got a life in the city to get back to. 

 

The night before he goes home, Seamus orders a ridiculous amount of Chinese food and buys some more whiskey, and the three of them eat and drink and talk and watch Space Jam. It’s the kind of moment that Connor thinks he’s going to keep like a snapshot in his brain. 

 

Something to go back to when things get hard. 

 

Both he and Gus have managed to get the hang of chopsticks, to Gus’s immense satisfaction. Connor remembers when he was a kid that he tried to learn to use chopsticks but never quite got the hang of it. Neither did Zoe. So they’d just eat Chinese food with forks. 

 

Connor wonders if Zoe ever learned to use chopsticks. 

 

He doesn’t know anything about her anymore. Not really. He knows she’s in Vermont, studying music and psychology, based on her Facebook and Instagram posts. He knows that she’s got a friend named Sarah, because they’re in a lot of Instagram pictures together. 

 

Connor’s really careful when he’s stalking Zoe on social media not to like anything. Ben Childs doesn’t have a Facebook page anymore, or an Instagram page, and people at NYU just kind of accept that he’s a hipster who doesn’t like social media. 

 

But he’s got a secret account that he uses to see what Zoe’s up to. 

 

Weirdly enough, there are pictures on Zoe’s Instagram with her and Evan Hansen. 

 

Connor remembers that Evan had a crush on Zoe back in high school. He wonders if they dated. He doesn’t think so, based on the posts, but he can’t be sure, and that annoys him more than it should. 

 

“Your beard is looking much better now,” says Gus as he chomps on a wonton. “Less like a toothbrush Pampushka has chewed.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “Thanks for the approval, Gus.”

 

“It’s filled in nicely,” says Seamus conversationally. “Which is good. You’ll be starting the year with a brand new face.”

 

Connor snorts. “Right. A new face. That’s hilarious.”

 

They all travel to the airport together the next day, thankfully not too hungover. Gus is driving and the three of them cram into the front seat of Gus's van and sing along to David Bowie loudly as they travel. It's nice. 

 

It's really nice. 

 

When they get to the airport, they say their goodbyes. Gus pulls Connor in for a firm hug, tells him he'll see him at Christmas, and then Seamus joins in and the three of them hug for a long time until Connor finally has to check in. 

 

It’s nice to see Seamus, Gus and Pampushka waving as Connor goes through security and heads back to his life in New York. 

 

Back for a new year that, for some reason, seems like it’s going to be important. 


	4. Summer 2021

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long, kids! I've been busy with work and also sick, but here we go!
> 
> This one takes place immediately after Chapter 99 of One of a Kind and before "Gotta Get Myself Back Home Soon" by chchchchcherrybomb, with references to both.

There are many people in his house. 

 

Gus likes this very much. He likes that there is food and music and dancing and family. There are tiny sausages and sangria and pizza and garlic knots and donuts. Many, many donuts. 

 

This is the first time that he is throwing a party and he likes it very much. 

 

It is also the first time he is living alone. 

 

He is pleased to have a space that is his. He misses his dad, but Gus likes to know that there is a house that is his. When he moves in, he puts up much of his art and paints one of the walls yellow, because it is the color of sunshine and summer. 

 

Summer is Gus’s very favorite time. 

 

It has always been so. 

 

When he is small, he is often cold, but in summer the sun shines bright on his face and keeps him warm. In summer, the buildings where he stays that are broken and do not have walls sometimes are warm, too. The night is even warm in summer, and this is nice. He feels better when he is warm, and for this he likes summer. 

 

The past three years, summer is the time where he sees Connor, so there is always a special place in his heart for this season. 

 

Now that he is living in Boston and Connor is in New York, he can see Connor much more often. Since he has moved in, there have been many times that he sees Connor, and this is a blessing. 

 

He is glad that Connor is well, even though he still carries much sadness for all that has happened. Sadness and pain. From DYAD. From the loss of his parents. 

 

And on top of all this, a heart that is broken. 

 

Gus knows that he has spent little time with Connor’s Evan, but he is still very sure that Evan is a good man. That Evan loves Connor. It is sad to see them apart, to know how much they have hurt each other. 

 

It hurts to realize that Gus is at the heart of what has come between them. 

 

Gus thinks on this often. He cannot know for sure, but he believes in his heart that if he had said no when Evan had asked him to swap, Evan would not have forced him to do this. He thinks maybe that he should have said no - not for his own sake, but for Connor and Evan’s. That they should have found another way to save Connor. Maybe if there had been another way, things might have been different. 

 

Connor might not have lost his parents. 

 

Gus understands that it is not good to spend too much time thinking about what might have been. It is a kind of regret, but also somewhat like a dream - you think about things you would like to have different and it makes you more sad. But you think of it more. And more. And more. Until you become angry with yourself for the choices you are making in the past. Choices that you cannot change. 

 

Gus tries very hard not to spend much time thinking on these choices. 

 

Instead, he tries to focus on his new life. The things that are bright and good. He has good business in Boston with new customers, and many good new dogs to be friends with. Often Gus sees Connor, and also Reed and Chiv, and sometimes also Evan and Beanpole. Even though it is strange not to have Dad in the same house, he is not far - the hotel is maybe twenty minutes from Gus’s apartment. Dad is also with Heidi very often, and Heidi is not far from the hotel. Overall, it is close. 

 

It is good to have his own house. A place that is his. Gus still finds it strange to have so many things, as he has never had many things before. Only his jacket and his book - his small book of writing and of pictures that he kept hidden from Tatiana, safe from the eyes of others. 

 

Gus still has this book, but he has many more things. A bed. Blankets that are very soft. Paintings that he is making himself. A frying pan for cooking the eggs and the pancakes. A waffle maker for making the waffles. Other things for kitchen and bathroom and bedroom - many, many things. 

 

Things that are his. Things to make his life good and comfortable. 

 

Gus is glad to have his house. 

 

And he is glad to warm his house with the people he cares about. 

 

“Chiv’s going out to get some samosas,” says Reed loudly as Gus pours himself another glass of sangria. “He’ll be back soon.”

 

“I am liking samosas very much,” Gus says enthusiastically, petting Pampushka who is pleased to have so many friends in the house. “Also, I am thinking it is good we eat more foods. There is much sangria. We do not want headache in morning.”

 

“Responsible chap,” says Beanpole, patting Gus on the shoulder. Gus is liking Beanpole very much, even though sometimes he is saying words Gus does not understand. He is hearing English spoken like Beanpole before, but not for some time, so now it is strange to his ears after so many years of hearing much American. 

 

“Not having headache is very good,” Gus replies with a nod. “I am sure of this.”

 

“Where’s Connor?” asks Torpedo, taking one of the tiny sausages with a small stick. 

 

Gus looks around and realizes that he has not seen his twin in some time. He frowns a little. “I am not sure,” he says. 

 

“He left like an hour ago,” says Donna, looking slightly concerned. “I just figured he was going out to get more drinks or something. He should be back by now.”

 

Gus feels the panic rise up in him. Just small panic for now, but still panic. He is sure that Connor is fine, but his brain makes him think of things that could go wrong. Ways that Connor could be hurt. 

 

He still dreams of Connor’s blood on the floor of the room in DYAD. 

 

Of the hole in Connor’s face where his eye is supposed to be. 

 

These are not good dreams. 

 

Gus pulls out his phone to see there is a message. He lets out a breath. “Is okay,” he assures the rest of the group. “He sent a text. There is something he is doing, but soon he will be back with more drinks.”

 

Gus is not sure what it is that Connor is doing, but before he can think too much on it, Reed pulls his arm and drags him into the center of the room, where there is space for dancing. The sofa has been pushed back and there is much music. Reed does a strange dance, and Gus tries to copy, and it is very fun and makes him laugh very much. Reed moves their arms and their hips and moves very smoothly, and has a shawl that has much color which they use to spin around. Gus likes this. He likes to spend time with Reed, and with Lucas and Torpedo and Beanpole and the others. 

 

He thinks that now there is comfort in the face they share. 

 

Not always, of course. Dominic had their face. But he did not have their spirit. 

 

Gus thinks he is very, very lucky to have Reed, Lucas, Torpedo, Beanpole and Connor in his life. 

 

There is more dancing, and more sangria, and Chiv comes back with samosas which are very nice. There is plum sauce and Gus likes this very much, also. 

 

The samosas are almost finished when Connor returns. He has a bag with many bottles, and also ice cream. Much ice cream. 

 

He also has a smile on his face. 

 

A big smile. 

 

It is the most happy Gus has seen him in a while. 

 

Gus understands. 

 

“You are going to see Evan,” he says quietly to his twin, making sure the others do not hear. “Yes? He is good?”

 

Connor smiles even brighter. “He’s good.” His ears go pink. “We, uh… we’re going to… we’re back together. We’re going to take it slowly, because there’s so much… there’s a lot, but I…”

 

“You love him very deeply,” Gus says softly. He feels warm in his spirit at the news. “This is good. It is good that you try again. Is good you are slow and careful, this is true, but is very good you try again.” 

 

“Yeah,” says Connor, still smiling, and Gus can see that he is full of light, and this makes Gus very, very happy. There has been much darkness in his twin over these months. It is good to see Connor smiling and happy. 

 

It is good to hear that Connor and Evan will try again, because Gus knows there is much, much love between them, and that love is important. 

 

Gus knows that even though Connor and Evan are back together, it will not make everything okay in one moment. He is glad that they are slow and careful, because he knows that healing will still take time. 

 

There are many people who will help Evan and Connor to heal, but it is good that they will heal together. 

 

Gus pulls his twin into a tight hug, and they hold each other for a long time. 

 

This will be a good summer, Gus thinks. There will be sangria and donuts and Chinese food and time with his family - all of his family. And the best part is that at the end, he will not have to say goodbye to Connor. 

 

Not for as long. 

 

Instead of Connor getting on a plane when he leaves, he will drive, and they will see each other often. 

 

The last few months have been hard. They deserve a summer that is warm and full of light. 

 

* * *

 

Connor wakes up to Pampushka licking his face in Gus’s ridiculously comfortable, vanilla-scented bed. The feeling of nostalgia is so strong it takes him a minute to realize that he’s not in Northern Wisconsin for the summer. Gus is living in Boston now. 

 

Gus is living in Boston, in the same town as Reed and Evan. 

 

Connor can see Gus whenever he wants from now on. 

 

He can’t stop himself from smiling. Pampushka takes this as an invitation to climb all over him and Connor pets her soft fur for a few moments, until his train of thought is broken by Gus’s laughter from the doorway. 

 

“She likes it when you give her attention,” says Gus fondly. “I think she misses you when you are not near, also.”

 

Connor sits up in bed and gives the dog a proper fuss, which she’s more than happy about. “It’s a good thing you both live nearby now, huh?” says Connor with a smile. 

 

Gus grins widely. “Very good. To be able to see you more? Very, very good.” He gestures toward the living room. “I am making waffles for breakfast, you want some?”

 

“Sounds great,” says Connor, climbing out of bed. He’s wearing a pair of Gus’s sweatpants and they’re ridiculously soft, like pretty much everything Gus owns. 

 

“Beanpole is almost awake, I think,” says Gus as Connor follows him out of the room. 

 

Connor’s confused for a moment then he remembers. “Right. He was so drunk that the Uber driver wouldn’t take him,” Connor says with a roll of his eyes. 

 

“Yes,” says Gus with a nod. “He is saying many times that he is ‘terribly sorry’.” Gus grins. “Is funny, things that Beanpole is saying. So different to American. Sometimes is hard to understand, but is okay. Beanpole is more patient than you.” Gus looks at Connor and smirks a little. “But this is not difficult.”

 

Connor snorts. “Fair enough.”

 

“Morning,” says Beanpole, sitting up and blinking. His hair is a mess, he’s fumbling around for his glasses and he looks very, very hungover. “Gus, could I possibly trouble you for a cup of tea? I could murder a cuppa.”

 

Gus’s eyes widen. “No murder in this house,” he says firmly. 

 

Beanpole blinks a few times, then nods. “Right. It’s, uh, it’s an expression. Terribly sorry.”

 

Connor tries very hard not to laugh at the look of utter confusion on his twin’s face. “I’ll make you a cup of tea as long as you promise not to cause it bodily harm,” he assures Beanpole, heading toward the kitchen. It’s set up almost identically to the kitchen back in Wisconsin, so it doesn’t take him that long to get his bearings. “How do you have your tea, Beanpole?”

 

“Just as it comes,” says Beanpole, who’s gotten up and followed Connor into the kitchen, Gus and Pampushka close behind. “I don’t take milk or sugar.”

 

“Gross,” Connor comments as he sets about making a pot of coffee for him and Gus and Beanpole’s tea. 

 

“There are waffles,” Gus announces, gesturing to the oven. “I made many, and they are keeping warm until we are ready to eat. You are okay for breakfast, Beanpole? I think it is a good idea after drinking so much.”

 

“Waffles sound lovely, Gus,” says Beanpole, the tips of his ears going pink in embarrassment. He adjusts his glasses and clears his throat nervously. “I do apologize, I must have made a right tit of myself last night.”

 

Connor didn’t think it was possible, but Gus looks even more confused. He looks at Connor for an explanation and Connor just shrugs. 

 

“I am not understanding what this means,” says Gus, frowning a little. “But you are not doing anything that needs apology, if this gives you worry?”

 

Beanpole looks like he’s about to say something but instead just turns a little bit more pink. “Right. Yes, well. It was very kind of you to invite me to your housewarming, Gus. And extremely kind of you to let me sleep on your sofa. It’s rather comfortable.”

 

Gus smiles. “I like things that are comfortable. We have breakfast now, yes?”

 

The three of them sit at the kitchen table and dig into the pile of waffles Gus has prepared. It’s a little awkward, which isn’t super surprising - Connor’s barely spent any time with Beanpole. The most memorable time they spent together was when they watched the recording of Larry’s death. He doesn’t really know the British clone that well. 

 

Beanpole seems to be settling into life in Boston relatively comfortably, though. Connor knows he’s hung out with Gus a few times since he moved, and is in relatively regular contact with Torpedo. Now that ERAS is up and running, Beanpole has a lot to do with Reed. 

 

And of course, with Evan. 

 

Connor can’t help but smile at the thought of Evan. 

 

Gus, in typical Gus fashion, catches him smiling and raises his eyebrows knowingly. “You are planning to see Evan today, yes?” he asks, with a smile far too knowing to be innocent. 

 

Connor knows he’s blushing. “We, uh, yeah. We’re going to catch up this afternoon.”

 

Beanpole looks at Gus, then at Connor, then his eyes widen. “Are you and Evan back together?” he asks, more bluntly than Connor had thought possible given his usual bumbling Britishness. 

 

Connor nods, feels himself blushing more, and stabs a piece of waffle to distract himself. 

 

“It is most good news,” says Gus warmly, taking another waffle and covering it in a liberal amount of maple syrup. “They are missing each other much these months.”

 

Beanpole kind of looks at Connor, his expression… a little guarded. “The two of you have talked things through, then?” he asks, his tone cautious. “He’s… well, he’s still rather fragile.” 

 

Connor feels his stomach clench at his clone’s words. He’s about to say something impolite about it not being any of Beanpole’s business when Gus speaks first. 

 

“Connor knows this.” Gus’s voice is firm but gentle. “He and Evan… they will be slow and careful. There is much pain, yes, but there is also much love.”

 

Beanpole clears his throat awkwardly. “Right. Yes. I do apologize if I…” Beanpole trails off, then looks at Connor, expression softening a little. “He’s my friend. I want him to be happy.”

 

“I want him to be happy, too,” Connor says, a little more challenging than he intends.  Beanpole nods, clears his throat again and has a sip of tea. 

 

“How is the ERAS?” Gus asks, effectively changing the subject. “You are doing much science? Discovering many exciting things?” 

 

Beanpole smiles, and launches into an explanation of a project he’s been working on, which makes absolutely no sense to Connor. Gus is listening intently and asking questions that Connor wouldn’t even have thought of, and it strikes Connor once again how smart Gus actually is. 

 

Connor watches Beanpole and Gus engage in an animated conversation, eats his waffles and lets his mind drift to Evan again. 

 

Connor had wanted to stay last night. He very nearly had stayed. After he’d kissed Evan for the first time in what genuinely felt like forever, they’d quickly drifted to the couch and made out heatedly for a good twenty minutes. Connor had managed to get Evan’s shirt off and was nibbling on his collarbone when Evan had kind of… well, not quite pushed Connor off the couch but pretty damn close. 

 

“You need to go back to Gus’s party,” Evan had said firmly, pulling away and looking at Connor, face bright red and a little out of breath. 

 

“Gus would understand,” Connor had assured him, taking Evan’s hand and attempting to pull him closer. 

 

Evan hadn’t budged. He shook his head. “No, you really need to go,” Evan insisted, picking up his shirt and putting it on in a hurry. 

 

Connor had felt his heart plummet them. He’d done something wrong. He’d moved too fast. Evan had changed his mind. He wasn’t going to forgive him. It was over completely. 

 

“I’m sorry, I-”

 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Evan said in a rush, blushing a little. “Believe me, I would like nothing more than to drag you to bed right now, but… you need to go to your brother’s housewarming. You need to be with your family.”

 

“They’d get it,” Connor insisted. “They know how I feel about you.”

 

“And they know what I did,” Evan pointed out sadly. “They know why we ended things and… that doesn’t just go away because we want it to. We… we need to take this slowly. Figure things out.” He looks at his shoes. “Your family has every right to hate me.”

 

“No one hates you.”

 

Evan looked at Connor and kind of laughed. “You don’t know your sister at all, do you?”

 

Connor frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

Evan shook his head. “Never mind.” He stood up, and Connor stood up too, buttoning up his shirt because apparently he wasn’t getting laid tonight. “Go back to the party. We’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?”

 

Connor hesitated. “You promise?”

 

Evan smiled. “Yeah. I promise.”

 

“You haven’t changed your mind?”

 

Evan smiled even wider, then pulled Connor in for another kiss. “I haven’t changed my mind.”

 

Connor catches his twin’s eye across the table. Gus smiles, and puts another waffle on Connor’s plate. Connor grins. 

 

As much as he would have liked to stay with Evan last night, he’s glad to be with Gus now. 

 

“It is nice to be living close,” Gus says, still smiling at Connor. “I am hoping we will spend much time together now.”

 

Connor grins. “Me too.”

 

Beanpole sips his tea and Connor can see he’s watching them with interest. Connor’s not sure how much Beanpole knows about their history, but imagines he’s gotten at least the short version. 

 

Gus catches Connor’s eye and looks at Beanpole with a kind smile. “Connor and I are not seeing each other much these last three years. He is coming to visit and we are seeing each other summer and Christmas only. Now we live close and will see each other more.” Gus’s smile widens. “It’s very, very good. Also good to see more of other clone brothers.”

 

“I’m glad you’ll be able to spend more time together,” says Beanpole. His smile looks genuine. Connor relaxes a little bit. 

 

He doesn’t really know Beanpole yet. But he will.

 

* * *

  
  
“Seamus, what are you doing?”

 

Seamus looks up at Heidi from where he’s kneeling on the floor of the bathroom and raises an eyebrow. “I’m installing a towel rail, love.”

 

Heidi rolls her eyes. “Yes, I can see that,” she says, sounding a little exasperated. “What I want to know is why you’re busy doing manual labor around my house when you’ve spent all week working on getting the hotel up and running.” 

 

Seamus shrugs. “You had the rail there waiting to be installed, it wasn’t exactly difficult.”

 

Heidi sighs. “I go out for twenty minutes to get lunch and you get out the toolbox.” She smiles, her expression fond. “I do appreciate it, I just don’t want you to feel like you have to be doing all these things. I could have done it myself, you know.”

 

Seamus smiles, tightens in the last screw and stands up. “I know you could have,” he assures her, pulling her in for a kiss. “I just thought it’d be nice for you not to have to worry about it.”

 

“It is nice,” says Heidi before kissing him again. Seamus closes his eyes and lets himself enjoy it. 

 

Heidi Hansen is one hell of a woman. 

 

He still has absolutely no idea how he got so lucky. 

 

Seamus has never considered himself a particularly romantic man, or particularly smooth, or someone who has a way with women. He’d had girlfriends and gone on dates with women in his early twenties, and he’d liked them all well enough. Then Anthea Torres blew into his life, and from the moment he laid eyes on her, he’d been a goner. He’d fallen hard and fast and it had been like nothing he’d ever experienced. 

 

It’s been over twenty years since he last saw Anthea, and there’s still a hole in his heart where she used to be. He’d never really gotten over her. Not really. He’d never really moved on. He’d focused all his attention on finding his boys, learning about DYAD, learning about the Proletheans. Then when he finally caught up with Gus and Connor, his focus turned to looking after them. 

 

Seamus wasn’t expecting to fall hard and fast again. He hadn’t thought that lightning would strike twice like that. 

 

Then Heidi Hansen kicked him in the balls. He’s pretty sure he’s been in love with her ever since. 

 

The doorbell rings, and Heidi kind of sighs a little, then kisses Seamus again softly. “We expecting anyone?” 

 

Seamus shakes his head. “Didn’t think so,” he says, taking her hand as they head to the front door. “I mean, I’m not expecting anyone. I don’t technically live here.”

 

Heidi snorts. “Not technically, but…”

 

They look at each other for a while and Seamus is once again hit by the realization that he’s head over heels for this woman. 

 

Heidi opens the front door, and there’s Connor. He looks happy and more relaxed than Seamus has seen him in a while. “Connor, hi!” says Heidi, ushering him in and smiling at him. Seamus pulls his son in for a hug the minute the front door is shut. 

 

“Good to see you,” says Seamus as Connor hugs back. “Did you have a good time at Gus’s housewarming last night?”

 

Connor nods vigorously. “Yeah. Yeah, I just thought I’d pop by and say hi on my way to Evan’s.”

 

Heidi jolts a little, then looks at Seamus and frowns a little. Seamus looks at Heidi, then looks back at Connor who looks more than a little confused. Then a look of understanding passes over Connor’s face. 

 

“Uh, Evan and I talked last night,” Connor says, a little hesitant. “We’re, uh, we’re going to give it another shot.”

 

“Oh,” says Heidi, eyes wide. 

 

Seamus reaches out and grabs her hand and squeezes it. He’s… not exactly surprised at what Connor’s saying, but he can see that Heidi’s a little thrown. 

 

“Evan said he was going to call you and tell you,” Connor says, quietly and a little defensively. “I thought he had, which is why I… shit.”

 

Heidi nods, then puts on a smile that Seamus just knows is covering up how she’s really feeling. “It must have slipped his mind. I’ll give him a call now if that’s alright. Excuse me, boys.”

 

With that, Heidi lets go of Seamus’s hand and makes a beeline for the bedroom. Connor looks at Seamus and sighs. 

 

“I honestly thought he’d told her,” says Connor. He’s not looking nearly as happy as he did when he arrived now, Seamus notices with dismay. Connor’s kind of deflated, folding into himself. “I can, uh, I can go back to Gus’s or back to New York or-”

 

“Let’s have a cup of tea,” Seamus says firmly, and ushers Connor into the kitchen. Connor sits down at the kitchen table and Seamus sets about making them both a hot drink. 

They sit at the kitchen table quietly for a moment, then Connor lets out a shaky breath. “He said he was going to tell her,” says Connor in a rush. “But he didn’t. Did he… do I…” Connor blinks, then looks at Seamus a little helplessly. “Do you think he changed his mind?”

 

Seamus wants to say no straight away, but to be honest he’s not entirely sure that would be the truth. “I don’t know,” he says instead. “Just because he didn’t tell Heidi straight away doesn’t necessarily mean he’s changed his mind.”

 

Connor nods, then picks up his mug and takes a sip. He doesn’t look convinced. 

 

Seamus doesn’t feel convincing. 

 

He doesn’t know what to make of this, to be completely honest. Evan and Connor getting back together is… well, it’s a lot, considering everything that’s happened. At the same time, though…

 

Seamus isn’t exactly surprised. 

 

He hasn’t seen Connor and Evan together as a couple. Not really. But he remembers how happy Connor was at Christmas when he told Seamus and Gus about Evan. Admittedly, he’d had a lot of ground to cover at Christmas, what with the clone illness and DYAD, but Connor had this light in his eyes every time he talked about Evan. Talked about his compassion and intelligence and how he was doing everything he could to find a cure. How he knew exactly what Connor was - exactly who Connor was - and was doing everything he could to find a cure. 

 

And Seamus knows that Evan cares about Connor. 

 

He wouldn’t have done what he did if he didn’t. 

 

“Gus wasn’t too hungover this morning?” Seamus asks Connor, instead of talking about Evan. 

 

Connor’s mouth curves into a tiny smile. “Nah, he was his usual sunny self,” says Connor fondly. He snorts. “Beanpole, on the other hand…”

 

Seamus chuckles. “He doesn’t strike me as a man who can hold his liquor.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes. “Absolutely not.” He nods a little. “But it was good. That he was there, I mean.” Connor shrugs. “I mean, it’s kind of… well, we’re not all going to get along and not everyone with this face is… it’s complicated, but…” Connor kind of scrunches up his nose and takes a sip of his tea, then nods again. “I think Beanpole’s kind of… part of the group now, you know? And that’s… it’s kind of cool.”

 

Seamus nods. “I’m glad Gus gets to be a proper part of it now,” he says quietly. “I think it’s good for him. It’s been… maybe I kept him away from all of you for too long.”

 

Connor looks at Seamus, frowning a little. “You did what you needed to do to keep Gus safe. You… yeah, it was hard having you far away, but Gus needed that space to get better. To recover from… all of it.” Connor looks at his cup of tea, then back at Seamus. “Do you ever think about… what he used to be like, compared to what he is now, and just how… how different it is?”

 

“Every damn day,” Seamus confesses. 

 

Heidi comes back into the room, looking a little concerned, but she fixes Connor with a smile the moment she sees him. “Evan’s looking forward to seeing you,” she says firmly. “Apparently he tried to call me this morning but his phone was doing something weird.” She smiles a little wider, and Seamus tries to ignore the fact that it looks a little forced. “I’m happy for the two of you.”

 

Connor looks at Seamus, then back at Heidi, then smiles a little. “Cool. I’m, uh, I’m sorry I just showed up unannounced, I just knew that Dad would be here and-“

 

“You’re always welcome,” Heidi assures him. 

 

Seamus looks at Connor, who is shifting a little uncomfortably in his seat. Connor stands up, puts his hands in his pockets and gestures to the door. “I’m just gonna, uh… see Evan. I’ll see you both later.”

 

With that, Connor’s gone before Seamus has a chance to say anything. 

 

The front door closes and Heidi looks at Seamus. “So,” she says, her voice even. “Our sons are dating.”

 

“Yup.”

 

“This is weird.”

 

“Well, technically, they got there first.”

 

“True,” Heidi concedes. “But…”

 

What’s happened doesn’t need to be voiced again. 

 

It’s all still too painful. 

 

“I think,” says Seamus slowly, “that we need to figure out what we’re going to do if it doesn’t work out between them.”

 

Heidi blinks, then bites her lip. “Okay,” she says, tone wary. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“I think that what you and I have together could be something incredible,” Seamus admits. “But my sons are my top priority. So if things didn’t work out between Connor and Evan a second time, it could be… difficult. For us. And I don’t… I don’t want it to come between us, but I have to be there for my son if he needs me. And you need to be there for yours.”

 

Heidi looks at him for a long moment, then nods. “I think we’re on the same page,” she says, her voice soft. “Evan’s my top priority, too. But I don’t want their relationship to come between us, either.” She sighs. “There’s a part of me that’s screaming that I should be keeping Evan as far away from Connor as I can manage after everything that happened.”

 

Seamus chuckles. “I’m having similar thoughts, love.”

 

They both kind of laugh for a while, then Heidi takes Seamus’s hand. “Tell you what,” she says firmly. “If things between Connor and Evan don’t work out, here’s what we’ll do. You’ll look after Connor. I’ll look after Evan. But when we’re together… we’re neutral territory. Does that make sense? I don’t want any of the kids to feel like they’re not welcome in our house.”

 

Seamus squeezes Heidi’s hand. “I think that’s a really good plan,” he replies with a warm smile. Then her words hit him. “Did you say  _ our _ house?”

 

Heidi’s eyes widen in surprise, but then her lips curve into a smile. “Well, you did just install a towel rail. It kind of makes the house a little bit yours.”

 

“Heidi Hansen, are you asking me to move in with you?” Seamus teases. 

 

“Would you say yes if I was?” Heidi shoots back. 

 

It’s Seamus’s turn to be surprised. “Wait, seriously?”

 

“You can’t live at the hotel forever,” she points out. “You don’t have to move in right away, but… face it, you practically live here already.”

 

Seamus can’t exactly fault her logic. He grins at her. “Well, alright.”

 

* * *

 

There are many things to like about living in Boston, Gus thinks, but what he likes best is that there are many places to get delicious food. On the days where he does not work, he likes to walk with Pampushka and discover the neighborhood where he is living. There is a bakery that does delicious cupcakes, and also a Starbucks where he can have drinks that are very sweet and very nice. 

 

There are more things to explore in Boston than there were in Wisconsin, and while he misses the small town he was living in before, he thinks he will be very happy in Boston. 

 

It is good to be in his own house, to have his own space. Gus thinks that it is a good time for this. Dad is not far away and neither is Connor, and during the day there are dogs to groom and new friends to meet. 

 

There are still things he misses about Wisconsin. 

 

And people he is missing, too. 

 

When Connor was taken by DYAD, Gus and his dad were on a plane almost straight away. Things were very busy and happened very quickly, and then Gus went to do the swap, and it was some time before he returned to the hotel and there was recovery to be had. It was only when Connor woke up in the middle of the night and reminded him that Gus remembered that he had forgotten about hiking with Handsome Fruit Man. 

 

Connor had been very, very upset to realize this. 

 

“I’ll call him,” Connor promised, sitting up in bed and searching around for… something, Gus did not know what. “I’ll call him right now and tell him it’s my fault. I’m so sorry, oh my god, Gus.”

 

“Ray will understand when I explain,” Gus had said, trying to make his words a comfort to his twin. “Connor. It is late. You need rest, you are healing.”

 

Connor had laughed then. A bitter laugh that was not funny. “Fucking hell, I’m such an asshole. I can’t believe I made you miss your date, oh my god.”

 

“You did not make me do anything,” Gus insisted. “You were in danger. I had to act. You must know this. You are more important than hiking. You are the most important.”

 

“You deserve to be happy with Handsome Fruit Man,” Connor had said, sounding very, very sad. “You shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry.”

 

“None of this is your fault,” Gus had tried to tell him. 

 

Gus had told Connor this many times. 

 

Many, many, many times. 

 

He is not sure his twin fully believes him. 

 

The next morning, he had found his phone in Evan’s car. It was very dead, so he had to charge it before he could call, but soon he was able to call Ray and try to explain.

 

Ray had wanted to be sure he was okay. Gus had assured him that all was fine now, but there had been a family emergency and he would be away for awhile. He did not know how long he would be away, but when he returned, they would talk. 

 

During the month where Connor recovered and grew back his eye and Evan healed from his gunshot wound, Gus had many conversations with his dad and much time to think. When Dad suggested that he and Gus move closer to where Connor was, Gus thought this was for the best. 

 

Gus knows his family needs him. 

 

And this is more important than a handsome man with a nice smile and nice apples. 

 

He and Ray had dinner when Gus returned to Wisconsin to help Dad pack the house. It had been… bitter and sweet. 

 

“Your brother,” Ray had said, sympathy in his voice, “he’ll be okay?”

 

Gus nodded. “With time, yes. But I am full of worry for him. There has been much hardship. Things I cannot fully explain. To move closer to be near him is important right now. I love my brother very, very much, and right now, he is needing me, even when he does not think that this is so.”

 

Ray had nodded back. “I get it,” he had said, his voice sad but understanding. “I’m… I’m sorry we never got the chance to be together properly. But family comes first.”

 

Gus had smiled a little. “That you are understanding means much,” he confessed. “It would have been nice, to have had more time together. Maybe I should have said something earlier.” He’d blushed a little. “I am liking you very much since the first time I see you.”

 

“Me too,” Ray admitted. Gus noticed that he was also blushing. “When you did those drawings… I just really liked you and I should have asked you out so much earlier. 

 

There was a sharp sensation in Gus’s heart at his words. “I am sorry we are wasting much time.”

 

Ray had taken Gus’s hand and squeezed it. “I’m glad for the time we did get. You’re kind of amazing, Gus Sadler. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

 

There are many things that Gus wishes he had said to Handsome Fruit Ray in that moment. He wishes he had the words to explain that after so much hurt and darkness and pain in his life, Gus is grateful that Ray is kind and understanding and does not treat him like he is strange and unusual. Ray sees him and he smiles, and there is warmth in his eyes, and this means much because there are many times when people look at Gus and have fear. 

 

Gus did not say these things to Ray. Instead, he squeezed his hand back, and they had a nice dinner, and after dinner, Ray kissed him and wished him all the best. 

 

The next day, Gus and Dad left Wisconsin and moved to Boston. 

 

Gus does not think he will see Ray again, and this makes him sad. 

 

Nevertheless, he is grateful that they were together for a small time. 

 

Gus is cleaning up his van at the end of his workday when he hears his phone ring. He picks it up and answers it when he sees that it is Reed. 

 

“Gus!” Reed says, their voice full of energy. “What are you doing tonight?”

 

“I am just finishing work,” Gus tells them, “but after this I have no plans. You are needing something?”

 

“We should hang out,” Reed says firmly. “We haven’t done that since you moved to Boston, and it’s about time we spent some proper time together. Come over when you’re done. I’ll get samosas.”

 

Gus likes samosas very much, so agrees. He and Pampushka finish the cleaning, then drive the van to Reed’s apartment. Reed opens the door and Pampushka greets them with many doggie kisses. Reed pets Pampushka happily, then pulls Gus into a hug. “Nice to see you,” says Gus warmly. “Thank you for asking to hang out. It’s very good.”

 

“I asked Connor and Evan if they wanted to join us,” Reed says, gesturing to the couch so Gus and Pampushka can sit. “They’re busy, apparently.” They roll their eyes. “Probably busy sucking face.”

 

Gus frowns. “Sucking face? What is this?”

 

“Making out,” Reed explains. “Sorry. There are, like, so many words for the same thing in English, it’s so weird.” 

 

“English is very weird,” Gus agrees. Reed hands him a samosa, and he eats it happily with some plum sauce. 

 

Gus likes Reed very much. He always has, even at the beginning when he did not understand the true nature of clone brothers. In many ways, Reed is the first clone he is knowing. With Connor, is different because they are twins. They are connected. It’s more. But with Reed, it is like a revelation when they first meet. Gus remembers very strongly how he thought that Reed was the most different to all the clones. Reed is a unique and beautiful soul, and Gus is glad to know them. 

 

“What’s your favorite color?” Reed asks after a moment. They are drinking tea, and Gus thinks that perhaps it is not just tea but is probably also drugs. He remembers that Connor is warning him about food and drinks at Reed’s place. 

 

“Yellow,” Gus says. “Yellow like summer and warmth.”

 

Reed smiles. “Yellow’s great. Do you want me to do your nails?”

 

“Do nails is paint nails, yes?” Gus asks. “Like Connor?”

 

Reed nods. “Yeah, like Connor. I have some yellow, I can paint your nails yellow if you want.”

 

Gus smiles. “I would like this much.”

 

Reed goes to get the paints for the nails, and Gus looks at the coffee table, where he sees a container of brownies. He recognizes this from when he first meets Reed, and suspects that they are not just brownies. He remembers feeling fuzzy and warm when he eats these. It is good memory, he thinks. Adventure Time and haircuts and blessed donuts. 

 

He takes half a brownie, as he knows he will need to drive home eventually. When Reed gets back, they smile and take the other half. “You know there’s pot in these, right?” Reed asks. 

 

“Yes,” Gus says with a smile. “Connor is warning me, but I am remembering.”

 

Reed is good at the painting of nails, Gus thinks, and the polish is smooth and nice. He likes the color - it is yellow like butter and very shiny. They eat some more samosas and talk of many things. 

 

“Where is Chiv?” Gus asks after a while. 

 

Reed sighs. “He’s gone down south to visit his Granny,” they say. “He’ll be away for like, a week. It’s so depressing how much I miss him.”

 

“Chiv is very nice man,” Gus assures them. “I like his hair.”

 

Reed grins. “I like his hair, too.” Their eyes lit up. “We should go to a gay bar.”

 

Gus’s eyes widen. “Gay bar?”

 

Reed nods and stands up. “Yes. Oh my god. We should call and Uber and head down right now, I know a really great place with awesome cocktails and cute guys we can flirt with and get them to buy us drinks, it’ll be awesome.”

 

Gus has never been to a gay bar before. He’s been to a bar a few times with Ray, and other times with Dad, but not to a gay bar. He does not know what to expect. He checks with Reed to make sure he has the right clothes, and to check if it is okay for him to bring Pampushka. Gus has the license to say that Pampushka can come with him to places, but is not sure if gay bar is best place for dog. Reed thinks it’s a great idea to bring Pampushka, and Gus realizes he will feel much more safe if he has his dog, so he agrees and soon they are on their way. 

 

The gay bar is not so different from the other bars Gus is going to, he thinks. They sit at the bar and Reed talks to the bartender, who they seem to know. The bartender looks at Reed, then at Gus, and seems a little surprised. 

 

“This is my cousin Gus,” Reed says to the bartender. “Gus, this is Seth.”

 

“Hello,” says Gus, feeling a little awkward because Seth is still looking between him and Reed like they are very strange. Pampushka puts her nose on Gus’s thigh, and he relaxes a little. “This is Pampushka. She looks after me.”

 

“Service dog?” Seth asks, and Gus nods. Seth grins. “Awesome. Dogs are awesome. And so smart, too. It’s so great that they can be trained to help people who need them.”

 

Gus thinks he can relax a little after this. “Yes, dogs are most awesome.”

 

“Can I pet your dog?” 

 

Gus turns to see a man with short dark hair and glasses standing next to him. He has a nice smile and is looking at Pampushka with interest. Gus smiles back. “If you like. She is most friendly.” 

 

The man kneels down and gently pats Pampushka on the head. She wags her tail. “Did I hear you saying she was a service dog?” he asks. “My cousin has one, but I’m not allowed to pet her because she can’t be distracted.”

 

Gus nods. “Yes, Pampushka is service dog but she can be petted. Is good to ask. Some dogs is not okay to pet, but Pampushka is okay. She is a very good girl.”

 

Pampushka is very pleased to have attention from the nice man with dark hair and glasses. She is wagging her tail and Gus is pleased that she is thinking this man is also nice. “She’s beautiful,” says the man. “A Samoyed, right?”

 

“Yes,” Gus says brightly. “I like that she is soft and fluffy.” He smiles at the man, who smiles back. “I am Gus, and this is my cousin Reed.” Reed waves, and Gus feels a little bad that he is lying, but knows that it is what must happen because of clone secrets. 

 

The man’s eyes widen a little. “That’s one hell of a family resemblance,” he says, a little awkwardly. “I’m Jason.” He smiles. “Can I buy you guys a drink?”

 

Gus looks at Reed, who smiles. “Works for me,” they say. 

 

“What would you like?” asks Jason, looking at Gus. 

 

Gus shrugs. “I do not know much of drinks,” he admits. “But I like things to be sweet, and I also like the small umbrellas.”

 

Jason laughs. “Yeah, I’m sure we can do that.” He orders drinks and soon the three of them are sitting at the bar, drinking very nice cocktails that are sweet and have small umbrellas. Jason is a very nice man and tells them that he has a cat who is named Kitty Purry, and Reed laughs and Gus does not know why, but Jason blushes a little. Jason does not stay long, as he must go home, but he gives Gus his number on a napkin, which is very nice. 

 

After Jason goes, there is another man named Max who offers to buy drinks for Gus and Reed. Pampushka does not like him as much as she liked Jason, but she does not seem to think he is bad, so Gus and Reed let Max buy drinks. There are more nice cocktails with umbrellas, and Gus asks Max many questions on his life, because it is easier than explaining his. Max is a lawyer, and likes to talk about being a lawyer, and when he is going to the bathroom, Reed says that Max must like to hear himself talk, which makes Gus giggle. 

 

Max does not return, but this is okay, because soon there is Derek, who Pampushka likes very much. Derek’s hair is red and he is quite shy, Gus thinks, but is being brave and asking Reed and Gus if he can buy them drinks. Once again, there are cocktails, and Gus thinks he is a little drunk now, but Pampushka is here to keep them safe and Derek is very nice. Derek likes Star Wars, and Gus thinks this is very good because he is also liking Star Wars very much. It is a story of good and of evil, and Gus likes that it is fun. 

 

After much discussions of lightsabers, soon it becomes late and it is time to go home. Reed calls an Uber and they go back to Gus’s apartment, where Reed sleeps on the couch and Gus goes to bed. The next morning, Gus wants to make waffles but does not think he has what he needs to make them vegan, so instead they go to have a nice brunch at a restaurant. 

 

Evan and Connor meet them at the restaurant for brunch, and it is very nice. Evan seems a little nervous, and Gus understands this because it is the first time that they have all been together since Connor and Evan are together again. 

 

There is much pain in the past, and it must not be easy for Evan. 

 

Gus gives Evan a big hug when he sees him, and Pampushka leaps on him for a hug of her own. Evan seems to relax when he sees Pampushka, and Gus is pleased for this. Reed also grabs Evan in a hug, and this makes Evan relax a bit more. 

 

“This is my favorite place for brunch,” Reed says to Gus as they sit down. “It’s got really, really good vegan pancakes, but they do stuff that’s not vegan as well, in case you really want bacon or whatever.”

 

“We went here after the terrestrial bio exam, right?” Evan asks Reed, who nods. The waitress comes to their table and seems a little surprised to see three identical faces. 

 

“Can I get a soy latte?” asks Reed, and the waitress nods and takes their coffee orders. Evan suggests that Gus try a caramel latte, and Connor agrees that he’d probably like it. When the coffee arrives, Gus decides that the caramel latte is most delicious. Still, he likes the raspberry mocha from Starbucks the best. When he tells Connor this, Connor scrunches up his nose and says that it’s not even really coffee, which makes Evan laugh. 

 

Gus watches as Connor makes another joke about coffee, and Evan laughs again, and the way that Evan is looking at Connor makes Gus’s heart warm. 

 

He thinks that even though it will not be easy, Evan and Connor will be alright. 

 

As long as they are patient with each other. 

 

* * *

 

Connor’s knuckles are white from holding on to the steering wheel for hours. He’s driving back to Boston and he can’t get Zoe’s words out of his head. They’re ringing around, over and over again and no matter how loud he turns the radio up, he can’t stop thinking about the look of utter devastation on his sister’s face. 

 

He shouldn’t have visited. He shouldn’t have told her he and Evan are back together. 

 

_ You’re taking the side of the guy who got our parents killed. You’d rather be with that asshole than be my family.  _

 

Connor tightens the grip on the steering wheel and pulls to a stop just outside of town. He’s got to figure out what he’s doing. It’s getting hard to breathe. 

 

_ Mom and Dad are dead, Connor. They’re not going to show up in three years. They’re in the ground and it’s Evan’s fault, and you don’t care. _

 

Connor lets go of the steering wheel and watches as his hands go from white to pink. 

 

Then he punches the dashboard. 

 

Hard. 

 

_ Dad shouldn’t have taken you in. Mom should have told him to turn around and bring you back to that lab. They shouldn't have adopted you. You did nothing but hurt them, and now that you can’t hurt them anymore, you’re hurting me. _

 

Connor doesn’t think he can go back to Evan’s. 

 

Not right now. 

 

Not when there’s a tiny part of him that thinks that his sister might be right. 

 

He takes a deep breath, and starts driving again. 

 

It’s only when he gets to Gus’s apartment that he realizes where he’s going. Gus lets him in, a look of concern on his face, and Connor realizes that it’s late. It’s later than is probably polite to visit. He’s just about to make some apology and try to run for it when Gus grabs his arm and pulls him in for a long hug. 

 

“Is all okay?” Gus asks gently. 

 

Connor shakes his head. “I talked to Zoe.”

 

Gus makes a noise of sympathy. “What did you talk to her about?”

 

“Evan.” Connor takes in a shaky breath. “I told her we were back together and… she flipped out, she said I chose him over her and I never… I never meant to do that, that’s not what I wanted, she blames him for what happened to our parents and it’s…” 

 

Gus just tightens his grip and says something soothing in Ukrainian and Connor bursts into tears. 

 

He cries for a very long time on his twin’s shoulder, and Gus just keeps talking, saying things that Connor doesn’t really understand. Every now and then there’s a word that Connor recognizes, but mostly Connor doesn’t focus on the words. 

 

He just focuses on the fact that he’s not alone. 

 

Once he’s finished crying, they sit on the sofa and Gus makes some tea. It’s a habit they’ve both picked up by now and it’s definitely a Seamus thing. It’s kind of weird, because before Connor met Seamus he’d never really liked tea, but he’s kind of developed a taste for it over the years. He doesn’t know if it’s because he actually likes tea or because it just tastes like comfort. Like home. Like being looked after. 

 

“Do you think it’s Evan’s fault that my parents are dead?” Connor finds himself asking Gus. 

 

Gus looks at Connor for a long moment, then shakes his head. “No. I do not think this.” He takes a deep breath, then takes Connor’s hand and holds it tightly. “But I am thinking that the people to blame are gone now. And for Zoe… is easier when there is somewhere to direct anger. Someone to be mad at. For her, it’s Evan.” Gus looks troubled. “Is not fair, I know this. But I understand anger. She has much anger, your sister. But also, I think, much love.”

 

Connor can’t help but snort at that. “Zoe hates me. She’s told me that plenty of times.”

 

Gus shakes his head. “I do not think this is true. When you are at DYAD, before the swap… Zoe is full of worry about you. You were in danger and it hurt her heart. I see this. I recognize this, because I am feeling the same way.” Gus kind of smiles a little. “I see many things I recognize in your sister. And I know she loves you very much, even if she does not say this.” 

 

Connor’s not sure if he believes his twin, but he doesn’t want to argue right now. Instead, he sips his tea and leans his head on Gus’s shoulder. “I love you very much,” he says. “I’m… I’m glad you’re close by.”

 

“I am also glad to be close,” says Gus with a smile. “And I love you very much also. Things will be hard for some time, I think. There must be healing for all.” Gus sips his own tea, then clears his throat. “Things with Evan… they are okay?”

 

Connor sighs. “I have no idea,” he confesses. “It’s… it’s hard. I just want things to go back to the way they were, but it’s not… it’s not that easy. We haven’t…” Connor realizes he’s going bright pink but continues. “We haven’t really been able to… well, he’s still recovering from a gunshot wound, so there’s kind of… we’re not… you know.”

 

Gus laughs a little. “You are talking about sex,” he says bluntly. “Is not so easy to talk about sex when you have not had the whiskey, yes?”

 

“Shut up,” Connor mumbles, even though he can’t help but laugh. “It’s just… I thought things would go back to normal, but they haven’t. We’re… going slowly, I guess, and it’s good and it’s probably sensible but I just want things to go back to normal. The way things were before DYAD.”

 

“Connor, I think that normal is not the word to use here,” says Gus with a roll of his eyes. “When you say normal, you are talking of clones and strange science and also life and death. Normal is… well, what is it? Is not what you have with Evan. Is not what we have as brothers.” Gus shrugs. “You want things to go back to normal? Okay. But you must know that it was never normal.”

 

“I want things to go back to the way they were before.”

 

Gus shakes his head. “It’s not good to go backward, Connor. You must focus on future. Going forward. Making changes. Making things better. There are many things to build. But building will take time. You must be patient.” Connor goes to say something and Gus laughs. “I know that being patient is not your best skill, but it is something you have learned. Something you are learning. You can be patient with me and my unknown words. You can be patient with Evan and his recovery. And patient with Zoe and her anger.”

 

“It’s not the same,” Connor tries to argue. 

 

Gus just raises his eyebrow. “It is the same,” he says simply. “You are patient with me because you love me. You also love Evan and you also love Zoe. You will learn patience with them, too. I know this.”

 

Connor doesn’t know what to say, so instead he turns on Gus’s television. Gus goes to make some popcorn, and the two of them watch Space Jam in the middle of the night, Pampushka cuddled between them. 

 

* * *

 

The weekend after Seamus officially moves into Heidi’s place, Heidi insists on having Evan, Connor and Gus around for dinner. Seamus doesn’t think it’s the worst idea in the world, but he’s not a hundred percent sure it’s going to be completely smooth sailing. Evan’s still jumpy around Seamus, which is probably fair enough considering everything, and Connor still doesn’t seem a hundred percent cool around Heidi either. Seamus brings this up with Heidi and Heidi, very firmly, says that this is exactly why they should all have dinner. 

 

“It’s going to be weirder if we just don’t talk to each other,” she says as she sets about chopping onions to make tacos. “I know things are a little strained right now because of everything that’s happened, but… I think it’s important that we all get more comfortable with each other. We’re kind of like a family now.” Heidi smirks. “I mean, our sons are dating, so it’s a weird kind of family, but it’s… still a family.”

 

“I don’t disagree, love,” says Seamus as he puts beers in the fridge. “I just think we need to be aware that it could be a strange evening. I don’t want anyone to get disappointed if things go a little pear-shaped.”

 

“I think you could stand to be a little more optimistic,” says Heidi, crossing her arms. “Besides, it’s not like it’s just going to be you and me and our sons who are dating. Gus and Pampushka will be here, and they’re both great company. I’m sure we’ll manage to work out any awkwardness.”

 

Seamus has to concede her point there. Gus has an almost uncanny ability to put people at ease, which is a little bit strange when you think about the fact that the kid is a trained assassin. 

 

A few hours later, the doorbell rings and Seamus welcomes in all three of their guests. Gus is the first one in, pulling Seamus into a tight hug, and Seamus just lets himself enjoy it for a moment. As proud as he is of the fact that Gus is living in his own place and thriving with his business, he misses the days when the two of them lived together. 

 

“Is good to see you, Dad,” says Gus enthusiastically. “I bring many donuts for after the tacos. I am looking forward very much to Heidi’s tacos. Evan says they are very good.”

 

“Mom makes really good tacos,” says Evan from behind Connor, his voice timid. Seamus shakes Evan’s hand warmly, then pulls Connor in for a hug. 

 

Connor looks a little wary, like he’s preparing himself for a fight, and Seamus takes a moment when he’s hugging his son to check in. “You all good, son?”

 

“Yeah,” says Connor, a little unconvincingly. 

 

The three of them head through into the living room where Heidi’s bringing out beers. She pulls Evan into a hug first and kisses him on top of the head. Evan looks a little embarrassed, but doesn’t argue, and hands his mother a bottle of wine. “This is the one you liked from the wine of the month club, right?” he asks as she takes the bottle. “You said you wanted to try this one again.”

 

“You remembered that?” Heidi says, her eyes misting up a little. “Oh honey, you didn’t have to. Thank you so much.”

 

“It was Connor’s idea,” says Evan, a little hesitantly. “The whole wine of the month club thing for Christmas? It was Connor’s idea. He, uh, he thought you deserved something nice.”

 

Heidi looks at Connor and smiles. It’s a genuine smile and Seamus feels himself relax a little. “That’s so thoughtful, thank you Connor.” She chuckles. “It’s funny to think that you were helping pick out Christmas presents before I even knew about you.”

 

Connor shrugs. “I like Christmas,” he admits. “And Evan was really determined to get you something great, so…” 

 

Heidi pats Connor on the shoulder. It’s not quite a hug, but Seamus thinks they might eventually get there. “Thank you.” 

 

To Seamus’s absolute relief, the evening goes off without a hitch. Gus spends a lot of time talking about his dog grooming clients, telling some truly hilarious stories about runaway beagles and a tiny poodle that liked to dance every time Gus cut his fur, and Seamus can see that Evan and Connor are getting progressively more relaxed. When the meal is over, Connor and Gus insist on doing the dishes and Heidi sets about sorting out dessert, leaving Evan and Seamus alone in the living room. 

 

“I should go help,” Evan says a little awkwardly, but Seamus can see that Evan’s a little pale and is favoring his side. 

 

“If you really want to, you can,” Seamus says quietly, “but you look a little wiped out.” He smiles sympathetically. “Not all of us have super healing like Gus and Connor. Recovering from a gunshot… it’s a bitch.”

 

“Speaking from experience?” Evan jokes weakly. 

 

Seamus snorts. “Actually, yeah.”

 

Evan goes even paler. “Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“It’s okay,” Seamus assures him. “I was probably about your age when it happened. It gets easier. You’ll probably have a scar for the rest of your life, but it just makes you look badass.” He clears his throat. “Apparently.”

 

“How did it happen?” Evan asks, and Seamus is almost impressed that he’s managed to ask outright. 

 

“I was helping a woman and her ten-year-old son get away from her abusive husband,” Seamus explains. “We had to go back to the house to get some of her things and the husband was there. He’d been drinking and aimed a gun at the kid but didn’t have great aim. Shot me instead.” 

 

“What happened after that?” Evan asks, his voice small. 

 

Seamus grits his teeth. “I shot him in the head, called for backup and we got everyone to a safe house. All a bit of a blur after that. My contacts tell me we got the woman and the kid out of the country, and I spent a couple of months out of action recovering.”

 

Evan’s eyes are wide. He looks away. “You’re kind of like a real-life action hero, huh,” he says quietly. “It’s good that Connor and Gus have you looking out for them.”

 

Seamus feels a pang in his stomach. “We haven’t talked much about what happened before DYAD,” he says simply. “But I want you to know that I’m sorry for threatening you.”

 

Evan looks back at Seamus, his eyes wide and sad. “You had every right to do what you did,” he says firmly, in a tone of voice that reminds Seamus so much of Heidi. “If you’d killed me then… you would have been totally justified. I betrayed your son.”

 

“You made a bad call,” Seamus says as gently as he can. “But you didn’t just do it for shits and giggles. You did it to save Connor. And Connor’s every bit as much my son as Gus is.” Seamus bites his lip, then continues. “You got Gus out of there. You risked your life for my son. I shouldn’t have let you do that.”

 

“You couldn’t have stopped me,” Evan blurts out. “I had to do it.”

 

“You didn’t,” Seamus points out. “And it nearly ended terribly. Your mother would have never recovered if you’d died that night.”

 

Evan kind of huffs. “She’d have been fine eventually.”

 

Seamus shakes his head. “No. No, she wouldn’t have. You don’t get over that.” He sighs. “I spent sixteen years looking for Gus and Connor. Because they’re my kids. Losing your kid… it’s the worst feeling in the world.” 

 

Evan deflates a little and looks horribly, horribly sad. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone,” he says in a rush. “I didn’t.”

 

“I know you didn’t,” Seamus says, as calmly as he can.  “I’m glad you’re okay.” He sighs. “Look, I know things are going to be a little weird between us for a while.”

 

“Because you’re dating my mom,” Evan says. 

 

“And because I once put a gun to your head,” Seamus points out. 

 

Evan kind of smirks. “Pretty certain some people have worse step-parents.”

 

“Well, I’m not about to make you clean the fireplace and ban you from the ball or any shit like that,” Seamus tries to joke. 

 

Evan actually smiles at that. “I can’t dance.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

Before the conversation can get any weirder, Heidi shows up with three beers. She sits down between them on the couch, then hands each other them a bottle. She reaches out to clink the bottle with Evan, then with Seamus, and takes a sip. Seamus and Evan look at each other and follow suit. 

 

“This is nice,” says Heidi conversationally. “Hanging out with the family like this. We should do it more often.”

 

Gus and Connor come back into the room, Gus holding a truly ridiculously large box of donuts, and Seamus can’t help but agree with Heidi. 

 

This is nice. 

 

* * *

 

Gus cannot move. 

 

He is stuck in a chair and he cannot move. 

 

He can smell bleach and there is pain and holy water and he cannot move, he cannot defend himself. 

 

There is painpainpainpain and the words of the bible and he cannot move he cannot escape there is a fog in his head and he is being pulled down 

 

He is so far from the light. 

 

He is so far from the light. 

 

He is -

 

Gus sits up in bed and realizes that he is screaming. It is dark, and he is scared, and Pampushka is licking his face and he turns on the light, but it takes many tries because he is shaking very badly. 

 

He takes a deep breath. 

 

There is no one in the house. 

 

Just him. 

 

Him and Pampushka. 

 

He has had nightmares before. Many times. When he has nightmares, Pampushka is always knowing, and will go to get Dad and Dad will talk to him and make tea and keep him safe. 

 

Before he has Pampushka, he also has nightmares. 

 

When he is with Tatiana and has nightmares, she is very angry, and yells that she has woken him from sleep. When she is angry, she will sew him silent so he cannot yell, or try to cleanse him with holy water - 

 

No. 

 

With bleach. 

 

She will pour bleach on him, and say that it is holy water. 

 

Bleach and holy water are not the same. 

 

They are not the same. 

 

Gus gets up, turns on the light and goes into the kitchen to make a cup of tea. 

 

Pampushka barks at him, and he pets her on the head. “Is okay, Pampushka,” he says gently. “I am okay.”

 

Pampushka looks at him, and Gus thinks that if she could talk, she would tell him that right now it is not good to be alone. 

 

Gus feels alone right now. 

 

But Gus knows he is not alone anymore. 

 

He goes back to his room and picks up his phone and selects the contact he wants to call. 

 

“Gus?” says Connor, his voice thick with sleep. “Are you okay?”

 

Gus wants to lie, but he also does not want to lie. “Not so good,” he admits. “I am not doing so good right now.”

 

“Shit,” says Connor. He sounds more awake. “I’ll be there in half an hour.”

 

Gus’s eyes widen in alarm. “No, is okay,” he assures him. “I am just wanting to talk.”

 

“Too bad,” says Connor. Gus can hear a muffled voice through the phone, and hears Connor telling Evan he’s going to Gus’s, and Evan’s voice is full of concern, and Gus feels very bad about this. 

 

“Connor, I am okay,” he tries to convince him. “You can go back to sleep, I am just wanting to hear your voice.”

 

“I’m getting in the car,” says Connor, his voice firm. “I’m just putting the headset thing on, okay? Keep talking to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

 

“Is just bad dream,” Gus says gently. “Is okay, Connor. Is okay. You do not need to come.”

 

“I’m coming anyway,” says Connor. Gus can hear the sounds of driving. “Tell me about the dream. It might help to… to talk about it.”

 

Gus takes in a shaky breath and tells Connor about the things in his nightmares. He wants to spare his twin the pain, but he is tired and vulnerable and the words flow. He talks of the smell of bleach, the pain of his back, how he could not move in the DYAD prison, how they drugged him and gave him much fog, and how all the memories of being in a cage with Tatiana and strapped to a chair with DYAD combine to make horrors he cannot escape. 

 

And how many times, he watches Connor die. 

 

Many, many times, he watches Connor die and he cannot stop it. 

 

He sees the blood on the floor of the room and knows it is Connor’s. 

 

Soon, almost too soon, Connor is letting himself into Gus’s apartment and they are both on the sofa, and Gus is sobbing and Connor is saying that it will all be okay, and Gus would very much like to believe him. “I am sorry to make you come here,” Gus says, as soon as he can make the words make sense. “I do not mean to interrupt your time with Evan.”

 

“Don’t be sorry,” Connor says sharply. “I want to be here when you need me.” He sighs. “You didn’t tell me you were having nightmares.”

 

“Not all the time,” Gus says quietly. “But sometimes. It is… it is hard, sometimes. I am still talking to Melody, and I think it is good that I am living alone now, but sometimes… when it is late, and I wake up, I wish it was not just me. I wish there was someone here.”

 

“You’ve got me,” Connor says fiercely. “You’ve got me, and I’m not fucking going anywhere, okay? Anytime you need me, I’m here. Doesn’t matter if I’m at Evan’s or in New York or in the fucking North Pole - if you need me, I will get to you. As quickly as I can.” He pulls Gus in closer. “I’m just sorry I couldn’t always be there.”

 

“You are always there when it matters,” Gus says, blinking a little. He takes in a shaking breath. “When I am… the first summer we spent together, you were there. You did not have to come so far, but you did. It was a kindness.”

 

Connor looks very, very sad. “Of course I came,” he practically whispers. “Gus, you’re… you’re so important to me, okay? I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you, I…”

 

“You will not lose me,” Gus tries to assure him. “I don’t go anywhere either, okay?”

 

They talk for a bit longer, then go to get some sleep. Gus thinks it is easier to sleep when he knows his brother is there. 

 

The nightmares do not come back that night.

 

* * *

 

The end of the summer approaching feels weird. Connor’s going back to NYU for the Fall Semester, and Reed’s all set to go back for senior year in Boston, but Evan’s still taking another semester to focus on ERAS. 

Beanpole’s more than happy for Evan to study and work at ERAS, but Evan’s just not ready to go back to study yet, and Connor knows he shouldn’t push it. Nevertheless, he’d like it if Evan got back into his studies - his actual studies, not the genetics research he’d been dragged into with DYAD. 

 

He just wants Evan to be happy and do what he loves, and he can’t quite figure out if Evan’s at ERAS because he wants to be or because he feels like he should.

 

Connor spends the last week before class starts in Boston, either hanging out with Reed while Evan’s working or visiting Gus at work. Reed’s going to do some work with ERAS once classes start, as Chiv’s already on board as head of security. Apparently Hannah’s in town as well, as she, Reed and Evan are working on a paper about the clone illness. 

 

Connor had hoped to catch up with Hannah but Evan had said she’d turned him down when he asked if she wanted to have dinner with them. Connor guesses it’s probably because Zoe’s pissed at him and Hannah doesn’t want to step on any toes. 

 

Evan gets home that evening, carrying bags of Thai food and wearing a troubled expression. He sets about getting food ready and Connor frowns. 

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks finally. 

 

Evan bites his lip and plays with the edge of his shirt. Connor’s immediately on edge. “I don’t want you to freak out,” Evan says quietly. 

 

Connor frowns even more. “Yup, that’s exactly what you should say if you don’t want me to freak out.” He takes Evan’s hand away from his shirt and holds it tightly. “Evan. What’s going on?”

 

“I talked to Hannah today,” Evan says with a sigh. “Asked her how Zoe was doing. She burst into tears… apparently Zoe broke up with her, completely out of the blue. She’s not returning her calls or her texts and her emails are bouncing… Hannah’s really worried about her.”

 

Connor’s throat goes dry. “When did they break up?”

 

Evan sighs again. “A few months ago.”

 

Connor feels that like a hit to the gut. Zoe… hadn’t looked good when he last saw her. He’d let himself wallow in the fact that she’d said some horrible things and he’d… he hadn’t checked on her. He should have checked on her.

 

He knows Zoe hates him but he has to make sure she’s okay. He’d managed to calm himself down for the last few months, thinking that at least she had Hannah looking out for her but if she’s broken up with Hannah out of the blue… 

 

That’s not good. 

 

That’s really, really not good. 

 

Evan and Connor eat Thai food in silence. After cleaning up, Evan sighs and says he’s heading to bed early. Connor kisses him and lets him go, trying not to worry at how exhausted Evan seems. 

 

He doesn’t know if he’s got the brain power to worry about both Evan and Zoe at the same time right now. 

 

He picks up his phone and hits Gus’s contact. 

 

“Connor!” says Gus, who picks up on the second ring. “You are well?”

 

Connor sighs. “Hey Gus. I, uh… I need some advice.” He launches into an explanation of how worried he is about Zoe, and how he needs to figure out what to do, and Gus is quiet on the end of the line until Connor finishes speaking. 

 

“I understand that you have much worry,” says Gus sympathetically. “Do you know how to contact her? She says she is not wanting to see you, but I understand you are wanting to be sure she is safe.”

 

“I don’t even know where to start,” Connor confesses. “She sold the house, she… she could be anywhere. I have no fucking clue how to find her.”

 

Gus sounds hesitant. “Maybe… maybe is best to talk to Dad. He is knowing many things. He might know how to find Zoe. Then you can see if she is okay. But… you must be gentle, Connor. When you find her, you must be very gentle. She has much anger and much pain.” He takes a breath. “Would you like me to go with you? When you find her?”

 

Connor doesn’t know. “I think… I think this is something I have to do on my own.”

 

Gus sighs. “I do not think this is true. But you are knowing Zoe better than me.” He sighs again. “Just know this, Connor. You are not alone. You and Zoe are family, and you and I are family. Family will stick together through things that are hard. I am here if you are needing me.”

 

There’s a lot of comfort in that. Connor’s not sure he knows what to do. But Gus…

 

Gus always seems to get it right. 

 

“Thank you,” Connor says quietly. “Love you.”

 

Connor can hear Gus’s smile in his voice. “Love you much, Connor.”


	5. Summer 2022

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has been so long! It's been a bit crazy, but I've finally finished this one.

It’s going to be a hot summer. 

 

A really fucking hot summer. 

 

Even in the evening, it’s still ridiculously warm as Connor, Gus and Seamus sit at an outside table at an Irish-styled pub in Boston. It’s Seamus’s idea, of course, as he’s always joking that the twins should learn more about their roots. The beer is cold and the night is a welcome relief from the absolute onslaught of heat from the day. Pampushka’s at Gus’s feet, happily drinking water from a bowl the bartender had brought out for her. 

 

This is, technically, a belated graduation celebration for Connor, and Connor’s vowed to just enjoy the night with his dad and his brother. 

 

The idea of having graduated from college is weird. After everything that had happened since junior year, Connor’s almost enjoyed the normalcy of going to class, doing assignments and studying for exams. Compared to everything else going on in his life, it had been relatively easy. Now that he’s finished his degree, he’s not really sure what he’s going to do with himself. 

 

Maybe he’s going to have to finally deal with some of the stuff he’s been putting off thinking about. 

 

Graduation itself had kind of been a non-event. He’d wanted Zoe there, but things with Zoe weren’t nearly steady enough for him to even dare ask her. He’d wanted Evan there, but somehow it hadn’t seemed right to have Evan there if Zoe wasn’t. Connor had considered just not bothering to show up but on Gus’s insistence, he’d gone along and worn the stupid hat and did the whole song and dance. 

 

It had just been Gus and Seamus at graduation, and they’d gone out that night as well. Still, Seamus thought it was worth the three of them having another night out once summer started properly. 

 

Part of Connor thinks that Seamus wants to recapture that feeling of the summers the three of them spent together, right after they first came back into each other’s lives. 

 

He can’t really blame him for that. 

 

Despite everything, life was almost simpler back then.

 

The main reason Connor’s out at an Irish pub with his twin and his dad is that Heidi and Evan are spending some quality time together before Evan leaves to run science workshops across the country all summer. He flies out in three days and as much as Connor wants to spend every moment he can with his boyfriend, he understands the need to be with family. 

 

It’s been a hell of a year for family.

 

Zoe’s looking better every time Connor sees her, and it helps loosen the tight band of grief that’s had a hold of his chest since the night he watched his mother die. 

 

He still has nightmares about watching his mother die. 

 

He still has nightmares about Zoe, unconscious in the hospital. 

 

Connor has nightmares about a lot of fucking things. 

 

Seamus is asking all sorts of questions about Gus’s new business, and Gus is talking animatedly as he sips on his Guinness. They’ve all gone for Guinness, as per Seamus’s insistence, and Connor’s feeling… almost festive. 

 

Almost. 

 

He’s still not quite there yet, he thinks. 

 

He still hasn’t quite processed everything. 

 

“Zoe says we can hire people to do the painting in the building for the doggy daycare,” says Gus, kind of screwing up his nose a little, “but I am thinking I can do this. I like the painting very much, and Joe is also saying he will help. Also, I will do the studies and teach the training.” He rolls his eyes. “Zoe says there is money for this, too, but I will pay. She is doing enough.” 

 

“Have you come up with a name yet?” Seamus asks before taking a sip of his pint. Gus looks at Connor, who can’t help but laugh. 

 

They’ve had this discussion and Connor still thinks it’s fucking hilarious. 

 

“It will be called Woofles,” Gus announces. “Woof for the dog, but also because I am liking waffles very much. Woofles Dog Grooming, Training and Daycare. But Woofles for short. Is good, yes? Funny. People will remember this.”

 

“I think it’s great,” says Connor, noticing out of the corner of his eye that his dad’s trying not to crack up laughing. “You’re right, people will definitely remember.”

 

“How are you settling in at Evan’s?” Seamus asks, effectively changing the subject. “You gonna be okay there all summer by yourself?”

 

While Connor’s well and truly done with college, Evan’s still got another year to go - more if he decides to do grad school. They’ve talked about moving in together in Boston once Connor’s graduated, but there’s still an ongoing discussion as to where exactly they’re going to live. Evan hasn’t decided if he wants to keep his apartment, but the lease doesn’t renew until September. While he’s away teaching for the summer, Connor’s moving in to take care of his plants and… figure out what the hell it is he’s going to do now that he’s graduated. 

 

Everything feels a little bit unsettled. 

 

He’s going to have to get used to it eventually. 

 

“It’s gonna be weird, being in Evan’s apartment without him,” Connor admits, “and I’m, like, kind of terrified I’m going to kill his plants.”

 

Gus rolls his eyes. “There are many things to fear in our lives, Connor. Killing plants is not one of them.”

 

“He has a lot of plants,” Connor tries to defend himself. “I mean, there are some succulents, and apparently they’re really hard to kill, but there’s also this fern he’s had since high school that I’m a little bit worried about. He’s stupidly attached to this fern. It even has a name.”

 

Seamus raises an eyebrow. “I almost don’t want to ask. What’s its name?”

 

Connor sighs. “Fernie Sanders.”

 

Seamus does crack up laughing at this, and Gus looks between the two of them in utter confusion. Connor takes a long sip of his Guinness as Seamus launches into a brief explanation of politics circa 2016 and tries not to think about the fact that if he kills Evan’s fern, their relationship is probably over for good. 

 

After everything they’ve been through, it’d be just like Connor to fuck it all up because he can’t keep a plant alive. 

 

“Evan is excited about the teaching, yes?” Gus asks after Seamus finishes talking politics. “I think it’s very cool idea, to do workshops for students to learn about science.” He smiles at Connor. “He is telling me there are… scholarships? For the students who do not have much money? It’s important, he is saying, because there is not much money when he is growing up and he does not have opportunities like this. Hannah is saying this also. I think it’s good they both understand. They will help many students learn. Very good.”

 

“It’s awesome,” Connor agrees. “Beanpole’s really excited about it as well, but this whole project was Evan’s idea. They start in upstate New York but they’re going all over the country, talking about ERAS and working with students interested in science.”

 

“You will miss Evan very much, even though is good for him,” Gus says knowingly. “Zoe will also miss Hannah. I am sure of this. But is good they will spend time together, Evan and Hannah. They are good friends.” 

 

Connor’s not a hundred percent sure where Hannah and Zoe stand these days, relationship-wise. They obviously love each other, that much is clear to anyone who’s got eyes, but there’s a lot of hurt that needs to be dealt with. Connor knows that Hannah’s still wary, given how effectively Zoe torched things between them, and has told Connor they’re taking it slowly. Still, being apart for the summer is going to be hard for both Zoe and Hannah.

 

Having Evan away for the summer isn’t going to be a picnic, either. Evan and Connor have been back together for nearly a year, but the scars from everything that went down at DYAD aren’t anywhere near healed over. Connor’s still coming to terms with what happened. Evan still blames himself more than Connor thinks he should. They’re both still reeling from a particularly rough confrontation with a drunk and angry Zoe at Christmas, not to mention the one year anniversary of DYAD’s destruction where Evan basically didn’t leave his apartment for two weeks. 

 

Evan’s tendency to pull away and isolate himself when things get bad worries Connor more than he cares to admit, and part of him is a bit freaked out about Evan being away all summer. But Evan’s excited about the ERAS Summer Science Program, and Connor’s hopeful that it’ll be good for him. 

 

The rest of the evening goes by in a blur of casual conversation, ice cold beer and a too-warm summer’s night. At the end, Seamus suggests the three of them do this more often, and Connor wholeheartedly agrees. 

 

It’s nice, spending time with his twin and his father. 

 

It makes it really feel like summer.

 

* * *

Summer is usually Gus’s most favorite time of year, but this summer is much too hot.

 

Much, much, much too hot. 

 

He should consider himself lucky, Gus thinks to himself, to be too hot instead of too cold. He has felt the cold many times in his life. So cold that his bones felt like ice, so cold that he felt he would never be warm again. He remembers how this feels, and does not wish to return to it, but still…

 

It is much too hot. 

 

Pampushka thinks so too, Gus is sure of this. She drinks much water and sits in front of the fan. Gus is sure to brush her very often so she will keep cool, and also make her ice treats when she is good. 

 

(Pampushka is always a very good girl.)

 

Today he does not have clients, so Gus has decided he will sit in front of the fan in his living room and watch the Netflix. He does this for some time, and even though the fan is on, it is still far too hot. 

 

He thinks for a while and decides that if Pampushka can have ice treats, he can also have ice treats, so goes to the freezer to get some ice cream. 

 

When he looks in his freezer, he finds some bags of peas. Gus does not like peas, but they are in his freezer for some reason. He does not remember buying them, but thinks that it is maybe Heidi, who thinks he should eat more vegetables. 

 

Gus is sure he will not eat these peas, so he takes the bag out of the freezer and puts it on his head. It is a little strange, but it is nice to be cool. 

 

Soon he gets a text from Connor, wanting to know if he is wanting to hang out. Gus thinks it would be very nice to see his twin, so tells him he should come over. It is not long before Connor lets himself in with his spare key and looks at Gus like he is very strange. 

 

“Why do you have a bag of peas on your head?” 

 

“It is very hot,” Gus explains, “and the peas are very cold.”

 

Connor laughs, then nods. “I guess so, yeah.”

 

“There are more peas in the freezer if you are wanting them.”

 

Connor looks like he is thinking, then he shrugs. “What the hell.”

 

They watch Handsome Funny John together on the sofa for some time. It is very warm, and the peas melt somewhat, so Gus puts them back in the freezer for some time to become cold again. While he is there, he finds some ice cream and brings it out for them to eat. 

 

“How is Evan?” Gus asks between spoonfuls of delicious rocky road ice cream. “He is settled into teaching, yes?”

 

Connor nods, his expression a little wistful. “They’re heading down to Washington DC tomorrow. He and Hannah are both really excited about taking some time to check out the Smithsonian.” He grins. “Nerds.”

 

“You are missing him very much,” Gus says gently, nodding a little. “Still, I think it is good that he does this. I think he will be good teacher, and he is very smart and knows many things, and this will make him feel… accomplished. I think this is good for him.”

 

Connor nods even more. “Yeah,” he says, his voice enthusiastic. “Yeah, that’s exactly it. He’s been… well, it’s been hard for him with everything and I really want him to have a good summer.” His face twists a little. “I just miss him.”

 

Gus pats Connor on the shoulder. “Understand. He is your Evan.”

 

Connor smiles softly. “Yeah. He’s my Evan.” His eyes widen, as if he is remembering something, then he goes to his bag and pulls out a piece of cardboard and hands it to Gus. “I meant to show you. We got a postcard from Torpedo.”

 

Gus takes the postcard from Connor and smiles. It is a picture he recognizes, of a red bus and a bridge. “Torpedo is in London now?” he asks, turning over the postcard to read the message. 

 

_ Hey guys! _

 

_ I’m in London! Jet lag is a dick. I swear I just slept my first day here but have done some exploring. Staying with Beanpole’s parents and omg Beanpole makes sense now. They’re really nice though. Going to Paris tomorrow so I got a French phrase book - there’s a whole section on romance (lol) and another on food. I’m not gonna eat a snail fam. Well maybe idk.  _

 

_ Love you guys! _

_ Torpedo _

 

“He stays with Beanpole’s parents,” Gus says in amusement. “I am sure this is quite funny for everyone. It must be strange for parents to see people who look so much like their son.”

 

“I texted him and dared him to eat a snail,” Connor replies with a grin. 

 

“I am wanting to try this,” Gus confesses. “I read about it, and they say the sauce is garlic. I like garlic very much.”

 

“Then just eat garlic.”

 

“Is not the same.”

 

It becomes very hot as they continue to watch Netflix, so Gus goes to get the peas from the freezer again. They should be cold again now. The second time Connor and Gus both have bags of frozen peas on their heads, there is a noise at the door. They both look up to see Zoe letting herself in with her key.

 

She stares at them for a moment then bursts out laughing. 

 

“What the fuck?”

 

Connor shrugs. “It’s hot as balls, Zo. We’re just trying not to get heatstroke.”

 

Zoe laughs more, and Gus is pleased to see this. These days, his sister has more light in her spirit, and he is pleased to see that her pain is lessening. 

 

Not disappeared, but less. 

 

He knows how this feels.

 

She is wearing shorts and a tank top and her hair is in a high knot above her head. Pampushka jumps up on her and gives her kisses, and she smiles and gives kisses back, then settles on the couch next to them.

 

They finish watching New in Town together. When it is over, Gus puts the melted peas on Zoe’s head with a grin.

 

She yelps a little at the wetness, then smiles. “Okay, yeah, I get it now. It’s really fucking hot, oh my god.”

 

“You are here to visit or there is something you need?” Gus asks curiously. “Not that I mind you are here. I am always glad to see you.”

 

“I had some thoughts about the daycare,” she says. Gus can see she is sneaking glances at Connor, who is fussing over Pampushka and not looking at them. “But I’m mostly just here to hang out with you.”

 

Gus thinks sometimes it is hard for Connor that Gus and Zoe are close, because Connor and Zoe still have so much hurt to work through.

 

“Very good!” says Gus with a smile. 

 

Zoe opens her mouth to say something, then closes it. She looks torn. Gus smiles encouragingly, she goes a little pink and opens her mouth again.

 

“My place has AC,” she says, words coming out very fast. “You should come over. We can hang out and watch Netflix. It’s too hot in this apartment, I don’t know how you can live with it.”

 

Gus looks at Connor, who looks a little uncomfortable. “Go ahead, we can catch up another time,” says Connor quietly. 

 

Zoe crosses her arms defensively. “I was inviting you too, Connor, but if you don’t want to come-”

 

“I’d love to,” Connor interrupts, face a little pink. “I can get Chinese food. On the way there.”

 

Zoe looks at Connor for a moment and blinks, then nods. “Okay.”

 

Connor nods, then stands up very quickly and goes toward the door. Gus frowns. “I can go with you,” he offers. Connor stops and shakes his head. 

 

“I’ll meet you guys at Zoe’s once I’ve got the food,” he says. He smiles, but it does not quite meet his eyes. “It’ll give you guys the chance to talk shop.”

 

With that, Connor is out the door. Zoe stares at the door for a moment, then looks back to Gus. Something in her face changes. “I was actually going to ask you something,” she says quietly. “It’s, uh, it’s probably good that Connor’s not here for this.”

 

“You can ask anything, you know this.”

 

Zoe takes a deep breath, then looks Gus straight in the eye. Her eyes are determined, full of fire and resolve. “I want you to show me how to use a gun.”

 

Gus has been shot many times. 

 

His sister’s words feel a bit like those gunshots. 

 

It is still so hot in the room, but he now feels very, very cold in his stomach. He remembers the first clone he shot in the head from a distance. 

 

He remembers killing the French clone in the same way, in front of Dad and Connor. 

 

He knows how to shoot. 

 

He knows how to kill. 

 

He does not want this again. 

 

He does not want to use a gun ever again. 

 

Pampushka rubs her nose against his hand and barks a little. Gus puts his hand against her fur to steady himself. 

 

He knows it is impossible, but he thinks he can smell bleach. 

 

It takes a moment for him to realize that Zoe is waiting for a response. Gus fights to come back to himself. 

 

“Why do you want this?” he manages to ask, trying to keep calm. “Why do you want to learn how to use a gun?”

 

Zoe crosses her arms in front of her body protectively. “I need to be able to defend him myself,” she says, her voice determined. “What’s left of DYAD… it could still be out there. There could still be people who are looking for a way to get back at my dad for what he did, people who want to hurt you and Connor and…” She shakes her head, looks at the ground then looks back at Gus. “I don’t ever want to feel helpless again, Gus. I want to know how to defend myself.”

 

Gus first learned to use a gun when he was small. Very small. Only a few years after Tatiana took him from the orphanage. He remembers how heavy it felt in his hand. He remembers how his hand is not big enough to hold it properly at first, so he is needing to use both hands together and it is still very difficult. 

 

He remembers the first time he fires a gun, aiming at a bottle on a wall.

 

At first, he did not hit it. He could not hit the bottle after many shots. 

 

Tatiana grew very impatient at him, and locked him in a cage overnight as punishment, with no food. 

 

The next day, he tried very hard and finally hit the target. 

 

Once he is hitting the target, she shows him the best place to shoot to kill a human. 

 

It is not until some years later that he kills his first person with a gun. 

 

But he is always knowing that guns are for killing. 

 

Pampushka whines and rubs her face against his hand.

 

All the color drains out of Zoe’s face. 

 

“Gus, I-“

 

“I cannot help you with this,” Gus says very quickly. “I understand that you want to feel safe. I do. But for me… guns are not safe. They do not mean safety. I am not using them for defense in my past - only to kill. This is… this is not who I am now. I do not want there to ever be a time where I use a gun again. I hope it will never be so.” 

 

He wants to help her. But to hold a gun again… this is something he cannot do.

 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… bring up things that cause you pain,” says Zoe, her voice very sad. “But this is… I need to know I can defend myself.”

 

“If it is defense you are wanting, there is maybe something we can do together,” says Gus, as he remembers something he has been thinking of for some time. “Joe has a roommate who teaches the mixed martial arts. I am thinking I might like to do this. You could do this with me, if you want.” He looks at his sister and smiles. “Maybe it will help. Make you strong in the body, just as you are strong in your spirit.”

 

Zoe does not say anything for some time, but then she nods. “Martial arts could be cool,” she says, putting her hands in the pockets of her shorts. “I’d like it if we could do that together.” She smiles back at him. 

 

“I would like this, also.”

 

When they arrive at Zoe’s apartment, Zoe turns on the air conditioning and it becomes nice and cool, to Gus’s relief. Pampushka also seems more happy, and Zoe gives her a treat and Gus a glass of juice, which is also nice and cool. They sit and chat for a while before there is a knock on the door. Zoe goes to answer to find Connor has returned with Chinese food. 

 

He still seems as if he does not feel he belongs in Zoe’s apartment. 

 

There is an ache in Gus’s chest at the thought. 

 

After they have eaten and made small conversation, the three of them sit on the sofa, Pampushka happily sitting at Gus’s feet. Zoe turns on her TV and goes to the Netflix. She browses through shows for a while, until she stops on one that Gus does not recognize. Gus hears her take in a sharp intake of breath, and the atmosphere in the room becomes very still. 

 

Connor is looking at Zoe. Zoe is looking at Connor. Gus is sure there is something he is missing. 

 

“Did you ever finish it?” Connor asks, his voice a little quiet. “You were watching it, before…”

 

“Before you died,” Zoe finishes. Gus can see that her face is very pale. “And no. I didn’t.”

 

“I didn’t, either,” Connor admits. “I thought about it. I watched the first few seasons sometime in college but I… I didn’t want to watch past season 5. It didn’t… it didn’t feel right.”

 

“You remember we got up to?” Zoe asks, her eyes big. “You remember that?”

 

Connor nods. Then he laughs, like he is remembering something funny. “Oh my god, I have to tell you - Lucas’s parents are exactly like Emily and Richard. Like, actually. I had to impersonate him once in high school and sitting through dinner was  _ exactly _ like a Gilmore Girls Friday Night Dinner.”

 

“Would you want to watch it now?” Zoe asks hesitantly. “We could… we could both see how it ends.”

 

“I’d like that,” Connor replies, and Gus thinks that his twin’s eyes are a little wet. “I’d really, really like that.”

 

“This is not a show I have seen,” Gus says, looking at the screen and reading the title. Gilmore Girls. It looks like it might be interesting, and obviously it is meaning much to his siblings. “We start from the beginning, yes?”

 

Zoe nods and starts the episode, putting on the subtitles to help Gus, which is good because the characters talk fast. 

 

“Whoa,” says Connor after a few minutes. “I didn’t realize how much slower they spoke in the first season.”

 

“I know, right?” says Zoe with a laugh. 

 

Gus looks at Connor. “They are going to speak faster than this?”

 

Connor and Zoe exchange a look and both start to laugh. 

 

Gus’s heart is very warm. 

 

* * *

 

Nearly ninety-five percent of the time, Seamus and Heidi are on the same page when it comes to things like household management and finances. They’re both relatively frugal, they’re both happy to live simply and most of the time they’re in agreement. However, every now and then they find themselves with differing opinions, and the resulting arguments are… not fun. 

 

The moment that it became clear there was going to be a heatwave for the summer, Seamus suggested they install air conditioning. Heidi flat out refused. She’d never had it before and she didn’t think it was worth the money. It’d be too expensive to install, it’d be too expensive to pay for the power, it just wasn’t economical. 

 

Seamus’s argument was that if they were spending time at home, they’d want it to be a place they could actually relax, and that buying a fan would be less effective and less energy efficient in the long run. Heidi’s argument was that the initial start-up cost was just going to be too much, and it wasn’t going to be worth it. 

 

After some research, Seamus had presented a full breakdown of all the costs involved to Heidi and promised he’d install it himself to keep the costs down. It had taken nearly a month of negotiations, but Heidi had finally relented. 

 

Which is why Seamus is at home, trying to install an air conditioning unit despite never having done this before. He’s watched a couple of YouTube videos but he hasn’t quite got his head around it just yet. He’s just decided to do a thorough internet search when the doorbell rings. 

 

At this point, it’s a welcome distraction. Seamus goes to the door and opens it to find Zoe standing there, two Starbucks cups in her hand. 

 

“Hi Zoe,” he asks, a little confused. He wasn’t even aware that Zoe knew where they lived. She’d certainly never visited before. “Would you like to come in?”

 

Zoe nods, and follows him in awkwardly, then hands him a cup. “It’s an iced coffee,” she says quietly. “Gus says you like them, and it’s been so hot…”

 

“Thank you,” says Seamus, still very confused. “Is everything alright? Not that it’s not lovely to see you, it’s just…”

 

“I need a favor,” Zoe says, her voice firm. 

 

“Alright,” says Seamus, a little cautiously. “What do you need?”

 

“I need you to teach me how to use a gun.”

 

Seamus just stares at her for a while. 

 

He doesn’t have exactly what he’d call a relationship with Connor’s sister. He cares about her, and so does Heidi, and he’s spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying about her self-destructive tendencies after the death of her parents, but he doesn’t have a relationship with Zoe. Heidi, at the very least, has history with her, but the combination of the death of the Murphy parents and Evan’s involvement have made things… difficult. 

 

At the end of the day, both Seamus and Heidi are devoted to their kids, and put their kids first. As much as it breaks Seamus’s heart to see Zoe suffering, he’s known from the beginning that Zoe isn’t his. That reaching out to her to try and help, try to be a parent, isn’t going to help. She’s just going to resent him, push him away like she’d pushed Connor away. 

 

Seamus is beyond relieved that Zoe seems to be doing better. That she’s formed such a close relationship with Gus. That she’s repairing her relationship with Connor - he’s known for years just how much the rift between Connor and Zoe has hurt his son. 

 

And now she’s at his doorstep, asking him how to use a gun. 

 

Considering that she’s ended up in hospital in the last year, that they’ve all been worried about her mental health… 

 

Seamus isn’t sure how to take this. 

 

“Why?” he asks. 

 

Zoe puts one arm protectively across her chest. “I need to know I can defend myself,” she says firmly. “If anything happens.”

 

“There are ways to do that without a gun.”

 

“I know. Gus and I are going to do martial arts classes together.”

 

“Really?” asks Seamus, a little surprised. Gus doesn’t really need any more training in how to be deadly. Then again, he supposes he’s never had any formal training. That maybe it might be a way to… streamline things a little. Make them easier. Discipline, focus that reactionary talent into something more constructive, more polished - easier to control. 

 

“Yeah,” Zoe says, nodding. “It was his idea.” She fixes him with a determined look. “But I still want to learn how to use a gun.”

 

Seamus nods. “Okay,” he says, because he knows that this is something she’s going to do with or without his help, somewhere in his bones. 

 

He can’t say he’s an expert on Zoe Murphy, but there are similarities between her and Connor that he can’t look past. 

 

Zoe blinks, and looks a little taken aback. Like she wasn’t actually expecting him to say yes. “Really?”

 

“Yes, really,” Seamus says with a sigh. “I do have some ground rules, though.” 

 

Zoe narrows her eyes. “What kind of ground rules?”

 

“First of all, you don’t buy a gun to have in your house until I’m confident you know what you’re doing,” he says firmly. “Secondly, we get you a proper permit. Make sure everything’s legal and above board.”

 

Zoe stares at him for a moment, then nods. “Fine. That sounds reasonable. I wasn’t… I wasn’t going to buy a gun until I knew how to use it anyway.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m not an idiot.”

 

“Never thought you were,” Seamus says honestly. 

 

“When can we start?” Zoe asks. Her tone is… not quite eager. It’s more determined. Resigned. It’s not that she’s trigger happy, Seamus realizes then. It’s not that she thinks the idea of having a gun is cool or interesting or fun in some kind of way. 

 

It’s that she’s scared. That so much has happened to her that’s been out of her control. 

 

She wants to take back control where she can. 

 

Seamus can respect that. 

 

“Tomorrow?” Seamus suggests. “Today I’ve got to get this air conditioning unit installed.” He takes a sip of his iced coffee and rolls his eyes a little. “If I can figure it out.” Seamus gestures to the living room and Zoe follows him through. 

 

“I can give you the name of the guy who installed mine,” Zoe offers, sitting down on the sofa.

 

Seamus laughs and sits down next to her. “No, I promised Heidi I’d do it myself,” he confesses. “Only way I got her to agree to having AC in the first place - if we kept the costs down.”

 

“I can pay,” Zoe offers immediately. “I have more money than I know what to do with.”

 

Seamus is already shaking his head before Zoe can even get the sentence out. “It’s very kind of you to offer but we’re alright. Thank you very much, though. It’s a lovely thought.”

 

“I’m serious,” Zoe says, her expression suddenly serious. “If you and Heidi ever needed money, for anything, I’d give it to you. I really do have a lot of money.”

 

“We’re alright,” Seamus assures her. “And it’s good for me to learn some extra skills, anyway. Once I find the right YouTube video that doesn’t have a soundtrack that makes me want to gouge my eyes out, I’m golden.”

 

The two of them spend a bit more time chatting about nothing in particular as they finish their drinks. Zoe gets up to go maybe half an hour later, but before she does, she sends Seamus a text. 

 

“So you have my number,” Zoe says, her voice a little shaky. “It’s high time you had my number instead of me just having yours.”

 

“Thank you for trusting me,” says Seamus simply. “I’ll be in touch and if we can’t start tomorrow, it’ll be in a few days. There’s a gun range nearby, I’ll see if I can get us a time slot.”

 

Zoe kind of nods, then heads out of the door, hands in her pockets. Seamus watches her go, unable to pinpoint what he’s feeling. 

 

His heart goes out to her, it really does. As hard as it is to know how much she’s hurt everyone around her in her own self-destruction, Seamus knows she’s got a good heart, and that she’s come a long way. 

 

He thinks Zoe’s going to be alright. Eventually. 

 

When Heidi gets home from work, Seamus has managed to get the initial wiring done for the AC and put on some pasta for dinner. He’s quite proud of himself, to be perfectly honest. The two of them sit at the kitchen table and eat, chatting idly about their days. Heidi’s just finished talking about a particularly interesting case when Seamus finally ventures the subject of Zoe. 

 

Heidi eats and listens, her eyes wide and a little troubled. When Seamus has explained what brought Zoe over, Heidi takes his hand and squeezes it. 

 

“Do you think she’s safe?” she asks frankly. “Do you think it’s safe for her to have a gun? I know she’s… from what Connor and Gus have said, it’s fairly obvious she’s been in a really bad place, and having a firearm in such close proximity… I don’t know if it’s the best idea.”

 

“She’s promised not to buy her own gun until I’m happy she’s going to be safe,” Seamus assures Heidi. “And I understand why she wants to know how to use a gun. I hope she never has to use it, but… knowledge is power.”

 

Heidi’s quiet for a moment, then looks Seamus in the eye. “Then you’re teaching me as well.”

 

Seamus blinks. “What?”

 

“You’re teaching me how to safely handle a firearm as well,” Heidi repeats, her voice firm. “If you’re teaching Zoe, you’re teaching me. I… I know what it’s like to feel unsafe.” She frowns. “You think I’ve just forgotten about those guys showing up at my house and trying to kidnap me?”

 

“The day we first met and you kicked me in the balls,” Seamus remembers. He nods. “Okay. I’ll teach you as well.” 

 

Heidi takes his hand and squeezes it. “Good. Thank you.” She sighs. “I hope I never need to use it, but… we can’t be too careful, right?”

 

Seamus wishes he could say for sure that they’ll never be in danger again. That everything’s behind them - DYAD’s gone, the Proletheans are nowhere to be seen, things have been quiet on the clone danger front for over a year. But there’s something inside him that knows that he’ll never stop worrying, never stop looking over his shoulder. Never stop trying to think one step ahead. 

 

As much as he wishes that Heidi and Zoe never have to fire a gun, he has to admit - he’ll feel safer knowing that they can. 

 

* * *

 

Gilmore Girl Fridays have become a tradition for Connor, Gus and Zoe, and Connor couldn’t be happier. They’re working their way through the series pretty quickly, and Connor has to admit the show’s actually a lot more engaging when he’s not high off his ass. 

 

He doesn’t remember a lot about his accidental binge-watching with Zoe back in high school. Not really. He just remembers being too high to be bothered going upstairs to his room, and kind of liking the fact that he and Zoe could be in the same room without screaming at each other with something else to focus on. 

 

Also, the show’s pretty good. Gus seems to be enjoying it too, even though he gets a little bit lost sometimes and most of the pop culture references go completely over his head. (Granted, it’s an older show, so some of them go over Connor’s head as well.) 

 

Gus approves of the fact that Lorelai and Rory have such healthy appetites and is keen to one day try and eat all the foods on the show. 

 

Zoe has vetoed this. 

 

Connor thinks it would be interesting to see if Gus could do it. His twin seems to have an iron stomach. 

 

Outside of Friday night Gilmore Girls, Connor’s trying to keep busy as much as he can. One of his friends back in New York has a contact who’s looking for a freelance copywriter, so Connor’s been working remotely writing advertising copy for a small business, occasionally heading into New York to meet them in person. Aside from that, he’s helping when he can with Gus and Zoe’s doggie daycare business set up. 

 

They’ve got a building that they’re in the process of setting up, and Gus is determined to do as much of the renovations and set up as he can by himself. Connor’s helping with painting walls and setting up fences in the outdoor area, which isn’t something he’s exactly good at but it’s better than trying to unsuccessfully wash a dog. It’s also giving him the opportunity to spend a bit more time with Gus, not to mention getting to know Gus’s “friend” Joe. 

 

Connor thinks he likes Joe. He’s a nice guy, a dog lover like Gus, and Zoe seems to approve. Joe’s Irish Wolfhound Rory is an enthusiastic but friendly dog who seems utterly confused whenever he sees Connor and Gus in the same place, which amuses Connor to no end because the clones never seem to have thrown Pampushka at all. 

 

Joe’s quiet and reserved, but has a good sense of humor. Connor’s not entirely sure what he does, but he thinks it’s got something to do with math. At any rate, during the summer he seems to be relatively free - enough so that he’s constantly at Woofles helping out and bringing Gus coffee. 

 

It’s fairly obvious that he’s absolutely besotted with Gus. 

 

Gus is, understandably, a little skittish when it comes to romantic relationships. It took him months to work up the courage to talk to Handsome Fruit Man, and that never really went anywhere because of everything that went down at DYAD (which Connor still feels absolutely awful about). When asked about Joe, Gus’s ears turn pink and he insists that Joe isn’t his boyfriend, but that he likes him very much and thinks he has a nice smile and is a good kisser. 

 

Connor knows that not everyone has the crazy whirlwind drama-filled relationship that he and Evan seem to have stumbled into, but he genuinely has no frame of reference for the whole “slow and steady” thing that Gus and Joe have going on. 

 

The summer continues. Torpedo sends postcards from all sorts of exotic destinations, along with the occasional Snapchat. Connor and Gus go out with Reed on occasion, including one memorable evening where Reed wears six-inch heels and a rather tipsy Gus delights in making jokes about what the weather is like up so high. 

 

Connor video chats with Evan every weekend and sometimes during the week. Evan’s busy and seems tired, but in a positive way, and it’s such a contrast from when he was running himself ragged at DYAD that it fills Connor with an intense relief. They’re going from town to town, from state to state, and every time they talk, Evan’s full of stories about kids learning new things, kids full of enthusiasm for learning, and how much it means to him to be bringing these programs to kids who wouldn’t have been able to access them otherwise. 

 

Connor misses Evan. That much goes without saying. But he’s just so proud of Evan for doing something he’s passionate about, for working on a project that means something to him, and it’s just kind of incredible to see him in his element. 

 

He’d rather miss Evan when he’s far away, doing something he loves, than have him right beside him but a million miles away in his head like when he worked at DYAD. 

 

This ERAS project is good for Evan.

 

One Saturday, Connor notices that one of Evan’s succulents is looking a little weird. He’s not sure what to do, so he puts the little guy in his car and drives over to Seamus and Heidi’s, hoping Heidi will have some kind of insight into plant care. 

 

He knocks on the door with Carl the Panda Plant under his arm and Seamus opens the door, looking a little surprised to see him. Seamus pulls Connor into a gentle hug, then ushers him inside. 

 

“What’s with the plant?” Seamus asks as he leads him into the living room, where Connor’s surprised to find Heidi and Zoe sitting on the couch together eating sushi. 

 

“I, uh, I thought it was looking kind of weird, so I was going to ask Heidi if I was doing something wrong,” Connor says, more than a little distracted by his sister unexpectedly in his dad’s living room. “Hi, Heidi. Hey Zo.”

 

“Hey!” says Zoe, her eyes widening at the sight of Connor. She looks… weirdly guilty, for some reason. 

 

Connor’s not sure what’s going on. 

 

“I, uh, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Connor says awkwardly. “I can come back another time-”

 

“It’s fine,” Heidi says, gesturing to a platter of sushi on the coffee table. “Grab some sushi if you want. We just picked some up on the way home from the gun range.”

 

Connor’s heart stops. 

 

“The gun range?” 

 

“We’ve been learning how to handle firearms,” says Heidi, looking at Zoe and grinning. “Figure with all the craziness that went on last year, it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

 

“You’re learning how to use a gun?” Connor asks Zoe, trying to keep his voice even. 

 

Zoe looks up at him defiantly. “Yes,” she says, her tone challenging. “Seamus has been teaching me. And Heidi. We want to be prepared if anything happens.”

 

Connor is trying very, very hard to keep calm. “So… you’ve got a gun?” he asks, in what he hopes is a calm tone. “Like, in your house?”

 

“I just got one,” she says. She looks over at Seamus, who’s frowning a little, then back at Connor. “I know how to use it. I’ve got my permit. It’s all completely legal and above board, and at least I’ll be able to defend myself.”

 

“Zoe. What if…” 

 

Connor catches himself before he says what he wants to say, because he doesn’t want an argument, he’s just terrified because…

 

Zoe was a mess after their parents died. 

 

She was doing drugs and drinking and genuinely had a complete disregard for her own safety and…

 

She’d just been so messed up. He’d been terrified for her. 

 

Terrified that she’d…

 

That she’d…

 

“Why would I go to all the trouble of learning how to safely use a gun if I just bought it to blow my brains out?” Zoe snaps, and Connor feels like he’s going to be sick for a moment. “I figure that if I wanted to do that, it’s pretty much just point and shoot, right?”

 

“Zoe,” says Seamus, his tone a little warning.

 

Zoe stands up. “You’re the one who made my life dangerous, Connor,” she says, her eyes lighting up with something painful. “I found out you weren’t dead and everything went to hell and I haven’t felt safe since. I’ve got every right to do what I need to do to make myself feel safe.”

 

“Of course you do,” Connor says, feeling his stomach clench uncomfortably. “Of course you should do what you need to do to make yourself feel safe. I’m just worried. I know what it’s like to feel like everything’s too much, like it’s… what if things get bad and you’ve got a gun right there and you could just… there’s no coming back from that, Zo.”

 

Zoe stares at him. “I’m not going to do that, Connor. I’m… I’m okay. Things are fine now, I’m not just…” All of a sudden, her face crumples. “I’m just so scared. All the time. I’m so, so scared that something else will happen, that DYAD will come back and try to hurt you or Gus or Hannah or the other clones and… when everything happened, I was just… it was all completely out of my control, it all just happened and I couldn’t stop anything, I couldn’t… I couldn’t stop you from being kidnapped and Mom from being shot and Dad from… from…”

 

She bursts into angry tears and Connor doesn’t even hesitate, he just puts down Carl and pulls Zoe into his arms, where she cries for what feels like a very, very long time. Eventually, they both sit down on the couch, and Connor’s dimly aware of Seamus giving them both a glass of water and Heidi handing Zoe a box of Kleenex, and it’s kind of awful but at the same time, Connor thinks it’s maybe something that they needed. 

 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Connor says quietly. “I’m just… it kind of freaks me out, you know? I couldn’t… guns freak me out, and having such easy access to one freaks me out, especially when I know that I’ve been super fucking self-destructive in the past and it’s just a split second decision, you know? But it’s something you can’t take back.”

 

“I know,” Zoe replies, her voice kind of muffled into his shirt. “And I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be callous about it. I… I wouldn’t. I promise you, I wouldn’t. I just… this is something I had to do.”

 

“Do you… does it help?” Connor asks tentatively. “Knowing that you know what you’re doing now?”

 

Zoe nods. “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

 

They sit there in companionable silence for a while. It’s nice in Seamus and Heidi’s place since the AC got installed, and eventually the four of them settle in with some hard cider and finish the sushi. Connor gets some tips for taking care of Carl, they talk about what’s they’ve all been up to and it’s… nice. 

 

Zoe leaves first, as she’s got a Skype date with Hannah, and Heidi goes to do the dishes, leaving Seamus and Connor alone in the living room. 

 

“You could have told me you were teaching Zoe how to use a gun,” Connor says, a little defiantly. 

 

Seamus looks at him and sighs. “She asked me not to. She thought you’d freak out.” He sighs again. “She didn’t ask Heidi not to, though. I guess she didn’t foresee us all being in the same space.”

 

“You think she’s okay to have it?” Connor asks. “You honestly, truly think that she’s not going to blow her brains out with it?”

 

Seamus nods. “I do. I honestly do, Connor. I’d never do anything to put her in danger. I know she’s not my kid, but she’s your sister and that makes her part of this family, in a roundabout kind of way. I’d do anything to keep you kids safe.”

 

“I know that,” Connor admits. “I’m just… I worry about her. A lot.”

 

Seamus nods again. “So do I. But I think things are getting better for her.”

 

Connor thinks so, too.

 

* * *

 

It is strange, to have a building that will be a business. 

 

Woofles is “coming along nicely”, as Dad would say, and Gus is very busy but in the best way. He is taking less clients for dog grooming while he is preparing Woofles for the grand opening, but he is still doing enough to have money to cover the expenses, even though Zoe is saying she will give him the money if it is what he needs. 

 

The days are very busy. The building is now painted, and everything looks very nice, and Gus is also doing the course to learn how to train the dogs. He is finding it very interesting and very good, and he is looking forward to teaching the training. He thinks that all dogs are very good dogs, but sometimes they need guidance. 

 

Woofles will be a good place, he thinks. A place for dogs to play all day. A place for them to be clean and happy with good haircuts. A place for them to learn to be good, and do tricks, and look after their humans the best they can. 

 

Gus thinks that Pampushka is the best dog in the world, and that if all dogs were more like Pampushka, the world would be a better place. He does not think he has trained Pampushka. Not really. Pampushka is just very smart and very good, and has done most things herself. In the course, Gus is learning how to deal with the more difficult dogs that are not as good as Pampushka, and he thinks this is a good challenge. 

 

It is good to have a job where he knows his dog will always be with him. Pampushka likes to be around the other dogs, too, and Gus is pleased that Woofles will soon open and Pampushka will have many friends. 

 

There are many people in the community who are interested in the doggie daycare, and Zoe has a very good business plan. She has much publicity, and it is quite overwhelming, but Gus is happy to let her take on this side of the business because he knows she has much talent. There are flyers around town, and also an article in the newspaper, and even an interview on the radio, which is very fun. 

 

Gus goes to visit Joe at his apartment and sees that the article is on his fridge, and he thinks this is very cute. He looks at it for a long time and smiles. When Joe sees him looking, he goes very pink. 

 

Gus likes that Joe goes pink sometimes, because Gus is often going pink when he thinks of Joe, and it is nice to know that they are the same. 

 

“You keep the article on the fridge,” Gus says with a smile. “This is very nice.”

 

“I like seeing it,” Joe says, kissing him on the cheek. “I’m proud of you. You’ve worked really hard for this, and it’s awesome to see you succeed.”

 

“Not success yet,” Gus warns, turning even more pink. “We do not open for some time. It’s hard to tell if is success or not.”

 

“I’m sure Woofles will be a hit,” Joe assures him, pulling him in for a hug. Gus likes it when Joe hugs him, because Joe is very huggable. 

 

Pampushka and Rory are both sitting on the couch, and Gus thinks maybe they are having a conversation in dog language. They both seem very happy, and Gus thinks he is very happy, too. 

 

He likes Joe. 

 

He likes Joe very, very much. 

 

With Joe, it is different to Handsome Fruit Man, but still very nice. Gus does not know if he loves Joe, but he thinks he could do so, and maybe soon. Joe has a nice smile and is patient and kind and brings him coffee and even though Gus insists that he does not need to pay for Rory’s dog grooming now that they are good friends, Joe will always pay, or take him out for dinner instead, and Gus likes this because it means he spends time with Joe. 

 

Joe is not his boyfriend, but he thinks he would like him to be. 

 

Gus does not know how to ask Joe to be his boyfriend. It is not something he has done before. 

 

He thinks maybe it is like when he is afraid to tell Connor that he is not good at dog grooming - he must be gentle and patient, and positive also, and make it so that if Joe does not want this, he does not feel bad and knows it is okay to say that he does not want this. 

 

Gus remembers what Seamus is telling him some years ago, back when he and Connor drank much whiskey and told him about sex. 

 

That there must always be a choice. 

 

Joe has cooked a stir-fry, and Gus thinks it is very delicious. They eat at the small table in Joe’s small kitchen and drink beer, and Gus thinks this is a very nice thing to do. It is simple and it is nice. He likes to spend time with Joe like this. He would like to have this always, he thinks. 

 

“I am thinking,” Gus says, trying to make his words sound like this is an idea and he is not quite scared to say this, “that we are good friends, Joe. And that I like to spend time with you, and eat stir fry and drink beer like this. And that… you are very good kisser, and I like this also.”

 

Joe looks at him, blinks and grins. “I like spending time with you too, Gus. And you’re a  _ fantastic _ kisser.”

 

Gus thinks this is a good sign.

 

“Maybe it could be a good idea,” says Gus, trying to sound like he is just making conversation, “that we could be boyfriends. If this is something you would like. I think it is something  _ I _ would like, but there must always be choice, and if you do not want this I will not be mad, but it is… something I would like. Very much.”

 

Joe’s whole face goes very soft and he smiles his nice smile and Gus’s heart feels very warm. “I’d like that. Very much.”

 

Gus smiles. “So you are my boyfriend then. Okay?”

 

Joe laughs. “Okay.”

 

Then Joe is kissing him and it is very nice, and Gus feels very warm, and his cheeks are very pink, and it is strange but he is also feeling… safe. And this is nice. He knows he is safe, that Joe will not hurt him, that Pampushka is near and that this is a place that will not bring him harm. 

 

It is strange, Gus thinks, to know that there are so many places where he can be safe now. When he is with Tatiana, he is never safe. There is never a safe place. But ever since he is knowing Dad and Connor, he is learning that there are safe spaces. 

 

He thinks of the apartment of Ben Childs, where he is safe because Dad is sleeping in the lounge, and Connor is there and will forgive him of his sins. 

 

He thinks of the house in Wisconsin, where he is learning to be well and unlearn his sticky thoughts. Where he first has Pampushka, where he spends his summers with his brother and even when things are not always perfect, they are always better than what they were. 

 

He thinks of his apartment with the yellow walls and pictures of donuts, and how he is making it a safe space for not just himself, but also people he is caring for. He thinks of how Zoe was with him for much time while she is healing, and how he became the one who made a space safe for someone else. 

 

And now, he is here with Joe, and he is feeling safe. 

 

Gus thinks that now the feeling of safety is not just a place. It is inside of him. 

 

This is not something he is knowing when he is small. 

 

He is very grateful to Dad. To Pampushka. To Connor. 

 

Not only are they keeping Gus safe, they also teach him to how find safety in himself. 

 

This is a true blessing. 

 

Gus thinks that he is very, very lucky. 

 

Soon it is approaching the end of the summer. Connor and Zoe are both somewhat restless, and Gus can understand now - Evan and Hannah have been gone for some time. They are missing them very much. 

 

Gus knows he would not like it if Joe were away all summer. 

 

Connor arrives late to Zoe’s apartment for their Friday night Gilmore Girls viewing and Gus knows straight away that he is upset. His face is set in a deep frown and he looks sad and tired and Gus does not like this at all. 

 

“What is wrong?” he asks as Connor walks through the door and puts a bag on the table. 

 

Connor shakes his head and opens the bag to show many cartons of ice cream. Zoe walks over at this moment and sees the ice cream, and her face breaks into a small smile. 

 

“We were never allowed to have the brownie fudge when we were kids,” she says quietly, looking at the ice cream. “Remember how we used to beg Mom to let us have it and she just thought it would rot our teeth?”

 

Connor tries to smile but it does not seem to fit right on his face. Zoe’s smile fades, and Connor’s face falls. 

 

“I remember,” he says quietly, and he tries to smile again. “I remember how much you liked it. Do you, uh, do you still like it?”

 

“It’s my favorite,” says Zoe, her expression still wary. “Connor, what’s wrong?”

 

Connor bites his lip and shakes his head. “I can’t talk about it.”

 

Zoe narrows her eyes. “This is about Evan. What did he do?”

 

“Nothing,” Connor says quickly. “It’s not… I can’t… look, I know you hate him, so I can’t talk about this with you, Zo.”

 

“You’re clearly upset,” she presses, crossing her arms. “Just… what did he do?”

 

“I killed his favorite plant,” Connor says, all in a rush, his face very, very sad. 

 

Gus is very confused. 

 

Zoe blinks. “You killed Fernie Sanders?”

 

Connor looks surprised. “You remember the name?”

 

The corner of Zoe’s face curves into a smile, but Gus can tell there is sadness in it. “He loved that thing,” she says, and there is something fond in her voice, although it is still sad. “What did you do? Did you overwater it? Oh my god, I’ve heard so many lectures about overwatering plants…”

 

She trails off, and her smile drops, and Gus feels an ache in his heart. He knows that Evan and Zoe were important to each other. A comfort in the years where Connor’s family were thinking he was dead. He thinks it is very, very sad that they are no longer friends. 

 

“I overwatered it,” says Connor, looking at the table. “And now it’s dead and it’s my fault. He’ll probably never talk to me again.”

 

It is quiet for a moment, then Zoe almost huffs in annoyance. “Connor. What the fuck?”

 

“What?”

 

“Do you  _ seriously _ think that after everything that’s gone down between the two of you, it’s all over because of a fucking  _ fern _ ? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

“Is maybe not how I would put it,” says Gus matter-of-factly, “but our sister is wise. You have been through much together. It will not be destroyed by a dead fern.”

 

Connor looks at them both, then nods a little and picks up the ice cream. “Where were we up to?” he asks, giving Zoe a carton of ice cream. “We’re halfway through season four, right?” 

 

“Yeah, we just watched the one where Jess comes back,” says Zoe, grabbing some spoons from the drawer in her kitchen. “And he’s like, sleeping in his car and being a dick to Luke.”

 

Connor nods. “Yeah, that’s right. He’s a real jerk in that episode.” He smirks. “Still hot, though.”

 

Zoe grins.

 

That night, they watch many episodes until very late. Things are becoming very interesting, and they are all reluctant to stop, so they decide that they will go home and have a full day of marathon on Saturday. With much food. 

 

Gus approves of this. 

 

On Saturday, Connor and Gus arrive at Zoe’s at the same time, and Gus starts to make waffle batter in Zoe’s kitchen. Zoe has a nice kitchen for cooking in, even though her cooking is very bad. While he is cooking, he listens as Zoe and Connor talk together. 

 

“You, uh, you were right,” Connor says to Zoe, sounding a little uncomfortable. “About Evan. I talked to him last night about Fernie Sanders and sent him a photo and… Evan said it’s fine, that sometimes he just… wilts and shit, I don’t know.”

 

“You can’t knock Fernie Sanders down,” says Zoe with a wistful smile. “I’m glad you’ve talked. I… I want you to be happy, Con.”

 

Connor looks hesitant and very, very sad. “Do you think you and Evan will ever…”

 

Zoe bites her lip. “I don’t… I can’t answer that, I’m sorry.”

 

“I know he misses you.”

 

Zoe sighs. “It’s… I don’t want to talk about it.”

 

Connor nods. “Okay.” He puts his arm around Zoe and kisses her on the forehead, and Zoe screws up her nose as if she is disgusted, but Gus knows this is just teasing. 

 

Gus thinks that Connor and Zoe will be okay. 

 

They will just have to be patient. 

 

* * *

 

Even though the summer’s nearly over, it’s still ridiculously hot. One evening Seamus and Heidi are sitting on the sofa, and Heidi kind of chuckles a little. 

 

“I’m glad you talked me into the air conditioning,” she says, cuddling into Seamus’s side. 

 

He kisses the top of her head and pulls her closer. “I’m glad I didn’t electrocute myself installing it.”

 

Heidi laughs. “I’m pretty pleased about that bit myself, actually.” She leans up and kisses him and Seamus still can’t believe his luck, every time her lips meet his. 

 

When they finally break apart for air, Heidi kind of laughs again, and rests her head on his chest. Seamus is sure she can hear his heart. 

 

“So,” he says, for want of anything else to say, “Evan’s back tomorrow.”

 

“I’m looking forward to seeing him,” says Heidi, her tone relaxed. “But it sounds like he’s had an amazing time. I’m proud of him. He’s… he’s come a long way.” She moves to look at him. “He hasn’t had the same kind of challenges as Gus and Connor, but… he’s had his challenges, and he’s overcome a lot.”

 

“Something our kids have in common,” says Seamus with a smile. “They’re tough.” He kisses Heidi again. “Are you feeling a bit better, knowing that you’re basically Annie Oakley now?”

 

Heidi laughs, louder this time. “I’m not exactly a sharpshooter, but… yes, I’m glad I know how to handle a firearm. Just in case.” Her expression goes serious. “How likely is it that I’m going to need to be armed?” she asks gently. “I know we can never be a hundred percent sure, but… what do you honestly think? Do you think that we’re safe? That the kids are safe?”

 

“I’d like to think so,” Seamus admits, “but we can’t be sure. There’s… I don’t believe for a second that an organization as big as DYAD doesn’t have remnants still out there. And there’s the Proletheans - the ones who took Gus when he was just a kid… I just don’t know.” He sighs. “Things have been quiet, but the very nature of the clones means we can never be too careful.”

 

Heidi looks at him, her expression level, then nods. “Well, whatever they’ve got to throw at us, we can take it,” she says firmly. “We’ll be even stronger than last time. Because we have each other. And the kids are all in much better spaces, and we’re… we’re communicating and…” Heidi takes a breath, then continues. “Obviously I still don’t know everything, but I’m pretty certain that the reason that everything went so horribly wrong is that there were secrets. So many secrets. I think as long as we’re all honest, we all keep each other in the loop… we can handle whatever’s thrown at us from now.”

 

Seamus nods. “At the end of the day, it’s not our fight,” he says, trying to keep his voice gentle. “The kids… the clones, they all have to know they’ve got their choices. We’re just… we’re here to support them, whatever happens. But they’re not alone now. They’ve got us, they’ve got Jenny… they’ve got Hannah and Zoe and Evan and Donna and so many others who’ll help. Who’d come running if something went wrong.” 

 

Heidi nods, then sighs again. “I can’t imagine what it must be like. They’ve all been through so much and they’re still just kids.”

 

“Well, they’re 22 now, so they’re not quite kids.”

 

“Still kids to me.”

 

Seamus nods. “Yeah.” He knows that Gus and Connor will never stop being his boys. Even when they’re in their fifties. 

 

Seamus will do everything he can to make sure they get to their fifties. And even further. 

 

There’s been enough death. Enough bloodshed. Enough torment. 

 

His boys deserve a happy, healthy life. 

 

The weekend Evan gets home, Heidi insists on a family dinner. She even calls Zoe and invites her and Hannah. Zoe declines, but thanks Heidi for the invitation, and Seamus thinks that’s progress. 

 

Heidi’s told him a lot about how close Evan and Zoe used to be, and he knows she’s devastated that their friendship is over. Seamus thinks that Zoe’s got a big heart, and that eventually she and Evan will be able to co-exist. Eventually, she’ll be able to join them for family dinners and it’ll be civil and fine, even if they never get their friendship back again. 

 

The night of the dinner, Connor and Evan arrive early, and Heidi’s beaming at the sight of her son, and it makes Seamus smile. Evan looks good - he’s got a bit of a tan, and explains that even though he’s been inside most of the time, he’s had plenty of time to go on walks and explore various nature parks. He launches into an enthusiastic explanation of what he’s been up to all summer, and Seamus can’t help but notice how much more relaxed and confident he seems.

 

The doorbell rings, and Seamus lets in Gus, who’s accompanied by Joe. Seamus still doesn’t really know Joe, and there are things that Joe obviously doesn’t know about the whole clone situation, but they have met before and Seamus’s initial impression is that Joe’s a nice kid. Joe’s brought Guinness, which Seamus thinks is kind of funny, and seems a little nervous, but relaxes when he sees Connor and Evan. 

 

The story that Joe’s been told about Connor, Zoe and Gus is that Gus and Connor were both put up for adoption at birth and ended up in different countries, and found each other when they were seventeen. That Seamus is their biological father and Zoe is Connor’s adopted sister. It’s close enough to the truth for it to make some sense, although Seamus is still a little wary that apparently Joe’s met Reed, who’s been explained away as a cousin. 

 

Then again, Reed’s the one of the group who probably looks the least like their clones, so…

 

The evening’s relaxed and laid back. Heidi’s made tacos, Gus brought donuts and the six of them talk and eat and just spend time together. At one point, Gus drags out Seamus’s vinyl player and puts on some Rolling Stones and it’s all just… nice. 

 

Seamus sees Gus and Joe holding hands and can’t help but smile. 

 

Gus deserves someone nice, who treats him well, and from all accounts Joe seems to tick those boxes. Connor likes him, Zoe likes him, Evan doesn’t really know him but gets along with him fine, and Heidi has said that Joe seems like a nice boy. 

 

Seamus just wants Gus to be happy. 

 

Seeing him light up around Joe… it warms his heart. 

 

Gus has come so far. 

 

“How’s your summer been?”

 

Seamus turns to see Evan standing next to him. He hands Seamus a beer, which he accepts gratefully, and they clink the bottles together. 

 

“Not bad,” Seamus admits. “Not as good as yours, from all accounts. Glad you’ve had fun.” He takes a sip of his beer then continues. “Ready to go back to class?”

 

Evan nods. “Yeah. I’m going to properly buckle down and get my degree finished this year,” he says with a vigorous nod. “A lot of the work I’ve done with ERAS and even DYAD can be put toward the requirements, but there’s still stuff to be done to get my diploma. I’m… looking forward to it.” 

 

Evan smiles, and Seamus notes that it looks real. Relaxed. He seems older, somehow, but younger at the same time. Like he’s learned from his mistakes and is moving forward toward something. Seamus thinks the summer has been good for him. 

 

Seamus asks some questions about classes, and Evan replies enthusiastically, and they settle into an easy conversation. Seamus thinks back to their conversation the previous year and marvels at how different it is now. He thinks this might be the real Evan Hansen, and he’s glad to be finally getting to know him. 

 

The evening finishes up with them all eating donuts and ice cream and Pampushka getting her tummy rubbed by Heidi and as they all leave into the still warm night, Seamus can’t help but think that this is how things should be. 

 

His boys, grown up and with partners who care for them. 

 

An amazing woman by his side. 

 

His life has changed so much in the past six years, and Seamus couldn’t be happier. 

 

* * *

 

Torpedo’s still in Europe and the rest of clone club have been busy most of the summer, but before the summer ends they manage to squeeze in a weekend at Reed’s aunt’s lakehouse. It’s just Lucas, Reed, Connor and Gus, and it’s pretty laid back. Donna’s busy doing some backing vocals for a local artist, which she’s pretty excited about, so she hasn’t joined them, and even though Connor had asked Evan if he’d wanted to come, he’d bowed out, saying that he needed to get things ready for starting back at college in a few weeks. 

 

It’s more subdued than the last time they were there, and considerably less drama filled. Gus has once again brought more donuts than is strictly necessary, and Lucas has brought along ingredients to do some baking, much to Gus’s delight. 

 

Reed and Connor sit on the patio looking over the lake as Gus and Lucas bake up a storm in the kitchen. It’s kind of weird, Connor thinks, that Gus and Lucas have found something to bond over, but they seem to be getting along well enough.

 

Connor knows how important family is to Gus now, and is glad to see that they’re forming a connection. 

 

“Next year we should do a whole week away,” Reed suggests as they and Connor sit and drink sangria. “Get everyone involved. I’m talking Chiv and Donna and Evan and Beanpole… and even Hannah and Zoe. It’d be great to spend some more time with them.”

 

“It’s a nice idea,” Connor says wistfully. “I don’t think Zoe will come, though. She… she and Evan… it’s still really bad.”

 

Reed turns to look at Connor, their expression a little sad. “It’s in a year’s time,” they say cautiously. “Maybe it’ll be okay by then.”

 

Connor nods. “Yeah, maybe.”

 

He’s not counting on it. 

 

Still, it’d be nice to have Zoe and Hannah here at the lakehouse, he thinks. With Evan, and Donna, and Chiv, and Beanpole, and…

 

He thinks back to when it was just him, Reed, Torpedo and Lucas. 

 

The four of them, against the world. 

 

“Does it freak you out how many people know about us?” Connor asks Reed. “Like, back in high school we were all so terrified of people knowing, and now…”

 

“We’ve got a whole tribe,” Reed finishes, laughing a little. They shrug. “I don’t know. It’s… it’s nice, I think. Nice to know that there are people who know what I am and haven’t run away screaming.” They look a little troubled. 

 

Connor frowns. “What’s wrong?”

 

Reed sighs. “Chiv and I… we kind of met someone.”

 

Connor blinks. “What?”

 

“As in, another potential partner,” Reed explains. “I’m poly, and so’s Chiv, and we met this girl Rita and she’s… kind of awesome. The three of us get along super well, and Chiv and I really like her, so we’ve been seeing each other for most of the summer. Sometimes it’s just Chiv and I, sometimes it’s just Rita and I, sometimes it’s Chiv and Rita, but mostly it’s the three of us, and it’s… really good. It’s just that we haven’t told her about the clone thing. And it’s weird, because Chiv knows, and I don’t like not being honest with her.”

 

Connor has no frame of reference for having relationships with multiple people so he’s a little confused, but he gets the basic issue here. 

 

Not being able to be honest with someone you care about. 

 

“Gus hasn’t told Joe about the clones, either,” Connor says thoughtfully. “I mean, he knows I’m Gus’s twin, and you met him and he thinks you’re our cousin, but like… he doesn’t know about the clones. I don’t think it’s the same, though. Talking about the clones… it opens up a huge can of worms for Gus, so for the time being it’s just… best left alone.”

 

“I don’t think I’m ready to tell her yet,” Reed admits. “Maybe one day, but… it’s still new and fun and mostly just really good sex rather than a full-on relationship, so… we’ll see? I guess?”

 

Connor nods. “Okay.” He sighs. “I mean, if you get to a stage where you want to tell her, and you think she’ll react okay, then… you should do it.” He looks at Reed, who still looks a little troubled. “I trust your judgment. You’ve always… you’ve always been perceptive, you know? You… you see things. More than the rest of us.”

 

Reed smiles. “Thanks, Connor. I know it’s kind of weird-”

 

“We’re part of an illegal human cloning experiment,” Connor points out. “Weird doesn’t even begin to cover it.”

 

Reed laughs. “Puts a lot of things into perspective, doesn’t it.”

 

“A-fucking-men.”

 

That night they order pizza, and drink sangria on the patio. Reed and Lucas start a very competitive drunken game of Connect Four and Gus and Connor take Pampushka for a walk around the lake. 

 

The night is still warm, but not overbearingly hot. 

 

It’s cooling down. 

 

The fierce heat of the summer is subsiding and it’s… nice. 

 

It’s nice to be walking by the lake with his twin and his dog. 

 

Connor could never have imagined at seventeen that this is what his life would be like at twenty-two. 

 

“It’s nice to be here,” says Gus conversationally, Pampushka at his heels. “Nice to be here in the summer. The lake is very beautiful in winter, but in summer… it’s like magic.” He smiles at Connor. “But summer is always my favorite.”

 

Connor smiles. “I used to hate summer,” he confesses. “When I was a teenager. It was just… I had too much time alone with my thoughts, you know? And they weren’t good and it was hard and…” He clears his throat, then nods. “Summer hasn’t been so bad recently, though. Since I finished high school.” He looks at Gus intently. “Since I met you.”

 

Gus stops walking and looks right at Connor. “I am very glad to know you,” Gus says, his tone utterly sincere. “I am glad we are in each other’s life. I know there has been much pain, and much suffering, and much darkness, but you are always bringing light and warmth to my life. For this I am most grateful.” Gus swallows, and Connor can see his twin is tearing up. 

 

He thinks he might be, too. 

 

“Summer makes me think of you now,” Connor confesses. “I kind of miss that house in Wisconsin. Things were… things were simpler then, I think. Not better, not worse, just… simpler.”

 

“Things have changed,” Gus agrees. “But we still have each other, no matter where we are. This last year, we are much closer together, and it’s very good. I think we have not spent as much time together just us this summer, but is okay - we see each other much more often now.” He grins. “Still, I am glad to have this moment with you. With my favorite twin brother.”

 

“I’m your only twin brother.”

 

Gus grins again. “Still favorite.”

 

Connor thinks back to the summers they’ve spent together. That first summer, where Gus needed to heal from everything he’d been through. The second summer, where Connor was an insufferable douchebag about his poetry. The third summer, where Connor failed spectacularly at dog grooming and gave the most awkward drunken sex talk. 

 

Last summer, where they established a new normal after the insanity that happened at the DYAD Institute. 

 

And this summer, where they’re all still healing and growing but things are better. 

 

Things are so much better than they were. 

 

And they’re just going to keep getting better.

 

As long as the twins have each other. 

 

The words still feel weird, but Connor wants to say them anyway. “Я тебе люблю, Gus.”

 

Gus grins, and his smile is like a million stars lighting up the night. “Я тебе люблю, Connor.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all of you who've stuck with One of a Kind, I thank you.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, my deepest thanks to @chchchchcherrybomb, who is basically the cool uncle to the entire One of a Kind Universe. 
> 
> Also a big thanks to @nosecoffee and @thewickedverkaiking for always being up for a chat :)


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